Comedy of Errors
It's almost comical, really. If I put my emotional mind to bed and just think intellectually. Rationally. What are the fucking odds? Truthfully, in the deeper, darker recesses of my mind, my intellectual mind, I knew it was going to happen. I didn't let myself think about it; I didn't want Thoughts to Become Things. But I still knew it was going to happen. Because it always does. It doesn't matter how good it starts, how wonderful they think I am, or how happy I make them, the result is always the same. They leave. Without a fight and without any supposed wrong doing on my part. One day they are there and the next they are not. And I am left to wonder "what the fuck?". I search my heart and soul, replay scenes, re-read text messages and FaceBook comments, analyze, analyze, analyze, and I still end up confused. For once, just once, I'd like to fuck up big time so at least I could understand and know why they chose to leave.
My rational mind can explain anything. I'll analyze and psychoanalyze until I come up with something that sounds logical. I still don't believe it because my emotional mind thinks it's a bunch of bullshit. It's not them. It's me. Me. Me. Me. Somehow, someway, I fucked this up. Or they just stopped liking me enough. It's hard to swallow not being important in the life of someone who is important in yours. And yes, that's my emotional mind speaking. My intellectual mind rationalizes that they are the ones losing out, they are fucked up, they have too many demons. They. They. They. So, I laugh at the comedy of it all, because in the immortal words of The Indigo Girls, "you have to laugh at yourself because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't". If that isn't the fucking story of my life.
For those of you out there who doubt my bad luck, I'll lay it out for you. I'm three for three in the last year. Here we go...
1. Told me she loved me a week into our "relationship" (all the while insisting she wasn't drunk so it would mean something... OK, she was drunk) then left me three days later to go back to the girlfriend she assured me she was going to break up with. Yeah, my kind of 'I love you' can't do that. I can't help but think that if she loved me like she said she loved me, she would have broken up with her girlfriend and been with me.
2. The second one really seemed to like me, even hinted that she could love me. Then just over a month in she announced that she didn't have room in her life for a lesbian relationship. Over the succeeding months, I've heard a variety of stories. The one I got at the time involved a child custody battle. I'm sure that was part of it, but... if I had been important enough to her, she would have found a way to keep seeing me.
3. The third in the series was nearly the best start to a relationship I'd ever had. She seemed to think it was pretty close. The time we spent together was great and we were so comfortable together so quickly. She assured me that she wasn't going to run. Then she did. Three days shy of one month in. Her reason? Things changed, life got too busy. Hmm... My opinion? If I'd been important enough to her, she would have found a way to fit me in and keep seeing me.
Are you seeing a pattern? If only I'd been important enough... That's the key. And the part my emotional mind just can't deal with. I can explain it to my rational mind. I can pick it apart, explain their demons, and tell myself that they just weren't ready for what I bring to a relationship (even though they all said they were... Ladies, in the future, please walk the talk or just don't talk). I can feel okay about myself for a little while until my emotional mind wakes up. Then the tears come and the demons start their dance. It's all bullshit. When am I going to be important enough? When is someone going to see me the way I see them? When am I going to be the priority that I make them? When I like someone I want to keep seeing them. Maybe that's it. Maybe they just don't like me. Well, why don't they tell me that? Why don't they say that it's just not working out that they need someone who is more this or that? Why do they seem to like me one day and then dump me the next? It's absolutely astonishing how quickly I can go from everything to nothing. And for no apparent reason that is ever shared with me.
I'm trying very hard to laugh at all this tonight. From the outside looking in, it's got to be funny. Three for three. Who would ever guess? I'm a good person - decent, honest, intelligent, funny, caring, etc. You'd think that someone out there would want someone like me. Apparently not so much. Eh... I suppose good is overrated. The worst part is when I look around me and see all these people in relationships. I haven't had one that lasted more than three months in two years. Granted some of that was me heeding Red Flags, but still. What the fuck?!?
All I know is that I'm a damn fine girlfriend who never gets to be one. Their loss? If you say so. Right now it feels a lot more like my loss. I'm fairly certain that none of them feels like they lost out on this deal. I do. Alright, for the rest of the night, I'm going to try very hard to keep my emotional mind quiet and laugh at the fucking messed up state of my life. It is pretty hilarious when you think about it. Yeah, this is me laughing my ass off. Right...
My rational mind can explain anything. I'll analyze and psychoanalyze until I come up with something that sounds logical. I still don't believe it because my emotional mind thinks it's a bunch of bullshit. It's not them. It's me. Me. Me. Me. Somehow, someway, I fucked this up. Or they just stopped liking me enough. It's hard to swallow not being important in the life of someone who is important in yours. And yes, that's my emotional mind speaking. My intellectual mind rationalizes that they are the ones losing out, they are fucked up, they have too many demons. They. They. They. So, I laugh at the comedy of it all, because in the immortal words of The Indigo Girls, "you have to laugh at yourself because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't". If that isn't the fucking story of my life.
For those of you out there who doubt my bad luck, I'll lay it out for you. I'm three for three in the last year. Here we go...
1. Told me she loved me a week into our "relationship" (all the while insisting she wasn't drunk so it would mean something... OK, she was drunk) then left me three days later to go back to the girlfriend she assured me she was going to break up with. Yeah, my kind of 'I love you' can't do that. I can't help but think that if she loved me like she said she loved me, she would have broken up with her girlfriend and been with me.
2. The second one really seemed to like me, even hinted that she could love me. Then just over a month in she announced that she didn't have room in her life for a lesbian relationship. Over the succeeding months, I've heard a variety of stories. The one I got at the time involved a child custody battle. I'm sure that was part of it, but... if I had been important enough to her, she would have found a way to keep seeing me.
3. The third in the series was nearly the best start to a relationship I'd ever had. She seemed to think it was pretty close. The time we spent together was great and we were so comfortable together so quickly. She assured me that she wasn't going to run. Then she did. Three days shy of one month in. Her reason? Things changed, life got too busy. Hmm... My opinion? If I'd been important enough to her, she would have found a way to fit me in and keep seeing me.
Are you seeing a pattern? If only I'd been important enough... That's the key. And the part my emotional mind just can't deal with. I can explain it to my rational mind. I can pick it apart, explain their demons, and tell myself that they just weren't ready for what I bring to a relationship (even though they all said they were... Ladies, in the future, please walk the talk or just don't talk). I can feel okay about myself for a little while until my emotional mind wakes up. Then the tears come and the demons start their dance. It's all bullshit. When am I going to be important enough? When is someone going to see me the way I see them? When am I going to be the priority that I make them? When I like someone I want to keep seeing them. Maybe that's it. Maybe they just don't like me. Well, why don't they tell me that? Why don't they say that it's just not working out that they need someone who is more this or that? Why do they seem to like me one day and then dump me the next? It's absolutely astonishing how quickly I can go from everything to nothing. And for no apparent reason that is ever shared with me.
I'm trying very hard to laugh at all this tonight. From the outside looking in, it's got to be funny. Three for three. Who would ever guess? I'm a good person - decent, honest, intelligent, funny, caring, etc. You'd think that someone out there would want someone like me. Apparently not so much. Eh... I suppose good is overrated. The worst part is when I look around me and see all these people in relationships. I haven't had one that lasted more than three months in two years. Granted some of that was me heeding Red Flags, but still. What the fuck?!?
All I know is that I'm a damn fine girlfriend who never gets to be one. Their loss? If you say so. Right now it feels a lot more like my loss. I'm fairly certain that none of them feels like they lost out on this deal. I do. Alright, for the rest of the night, I'm going to try very hard to keep my emotional mind quiet and laugh at the fucking messed up state of my life. It is pretty hilarious when you think about it. Yeah, this is me laughing my ass off. Right...
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