Intended To...
"If you look at the women I have loved or intended to love..." I made this statement in a blog I wrote a couple days ago ("What I See") and something keeps bringing me back to it. I don't remember thinking much about it when I wrote it. It didn't matter at the time. It's not where my focus was. Now, I can't seem to forget it. "If you look at the women I have... intended to love". That's the part that keeps coming back again and again. Intended to love... Yes, it's possible. Because I was going to love them. I was. If nothing had changed. If they hadn't left. Yes, I would have loved them. Eventually. At the time they left, I wasn't in love, but I was falling. I intended to love them one day. And if they hadn't left, I would have.
If you pay attention, there's a moment when you know. When the falling starts. Not too long ago I found a blog I wrote on my Blackberry but never posted. It was too early, said too much. She was a reader and she deserved to hear it from me, not read it in my blog. So, I saved it on my phone. I would post it at the right time. Probably after the falling was over and the 'I love you' had been said. Unfortunately, the falling is over. But not because I'm in love. No, the falling is over because she left. She is one of the ones I intended to love. I remember the day I knew I was falling, the very moment in fact.
And that's what I wrote about that day on my Blackberry, as she laid next to me. And when she asked me what I'd written, I told her to be patient. I'd let her read it one day. If she's still reading, then today is the day. For the rest of you... This is intention.
"There are things I want to remember, but can't hardly write and post right now. I can only say what I can say and there are secrets that must be kept. Not bad secrets, just secrets. Private thoughts I'll share later, I'm sure. For now though, they must stay mine. As sure as she is lying here next to me, she can't know everything. Yet. There will come a day when I will tell her of that moment, the moment I felt it all change. The moment I lay here starring at the ceiling and just knew. I was falling. The feeling in my chest and the slight smile on my face. Happy I was tuned in this time ('tuned'... what a poor choice of words, I think. I don't remember ever knowing THAT moment before. I don't remember why the moment appeared, the moment of the change. At once it wasn't, then it was. Maybe like the creation of the Universe, if I was a complete nerd. And in that instant, life was forever different. Yes, I was falling.
Perhaps she deserved to know first. I mean right after me. She doesn't. She didn't. Know, I mean. Not yet anyway. It's too early, too soon. Too, too... Yes, too, too all of the above. Most especially it's too scary. Not for me. The idea, the feeling, is mine. I'm good, happy, content, and right where I want to be. I worry about her. It's not been long. I can see how that might scare her. And I don't want to scare her away. I'll wait. Bide my time, as they say. I'll be patient. Ugh... Still no good at that. And I am still just falling. I've not fallen.
I decided immediately, once I basked in the feeling for a few seconds, that I would wait on her. Let her lead to this. Maybe she's already thinking it, but maybe she's not. Not ready, not willing, not ever. These things I don't know. It's a calculated risk, this knowing when. They say (my besties, that is) that I'll know when the time is right. I should just go on falling and go with the feeling. Say it when I feel it (because assuredly I will)? Uh, no. I can't do that. I'll have to figure the math and come up with the appropriate time and place. And be absolutely certain she's ready to hear it. That she's fallen and not just falling. Because you can't un-ring the bell. Once it's out there, it's out. No sucking it back in. And if I freak her out, there's no going back on that either.
So, yeah... Love it and hate it. I guess I'm happy to still be falling. Because what happens when I fall? I'm afraid it's going to slip out and either lack the proper emphasis of a first time and/or she's going to kick me in the shins and run screaming into the night. For now I'm content to know what I know. I'm falling. And it's a good feeling."
Yes, I intended to love her. I'm fairly certain I would have, if everything had kept going as it had been going. Of course, it didn't. She left and I'm left holding a big bag of intention. It's not as bad as holding heartache, but it still sucks in its own way.
If you pay attention, there's a moment when you know. When the falling starts. Not too long ago I found a blog I wrote on my Blackberry but never posted. It was too early, said too much. She was a reader and she deserved to hear it from me, not read it in my blog. So, I saved it on my phone. I would post it at the right time. Probably after the falling was over and the 'I love you' had been said. Unfortunately, the falling is over. But not because I'm in love. No, the falling is over because she left. She is one of the ones I intended to love. I remember the day I knew I was falling, the very moment in fact.
And that's what I wrote about that day on my Blackberry, as she laid next to me. And when she asked me what I'd written, I told her to be patient. I'd let her read it one day. If she's still reading, then today is the day. For the rest of you... This is intention.
"There are things I want to remember, but can't hardly write and post right now. I can only say what I can say and there are secrets that must be kept. Not bad secrets, just secrets. Private thoughts I'll share later, I'm sure. For now though, they must stay mine. As sure as she is lying here next to me, she can't know everything. Yet. There will come a day when I will tell her of that moment, the moment I felt it all change. The moment I lay here starring at the ceiling and just knew. I was falling. The feeling in my chest and the slight smile on my face. Happy I was tuned in this time ('tuned'... what a poor choice of words, I think. I don't remember ever knowing THAT moment before. I don't remember why the moment appeared, the moment of the change. At once it wasn't, then it was. Maybe like the creation of the Universe, if I was a complete nerd. And in that instant, life was forever different. Yes, I was falling.
Perhaps she deserved to know first. I mean right after me. She doesn't. She didn't. Know, I mean. Not yet anyway. It's too early, too soon. Too, too... Yes, too, too all of the above. Most especially it's too scary. Not for me. The idea, the feeling, is mine. I'm good, happy, content, and right where I want to be. I worry about her. It's not been long. I can see how that might scare her. And I don't want to scare her away. I'll wait. Bide my time, as they say. I'll be patient. Ugh... Still no good at that. And I am still just falling. I've not fallen.
I decided immediately, once I basked in the feeling for a few seconds, that I would wait on her. Let her lead to this. Maybe she's already thinking it, but maybe she's not. Not ready, not willing, not ever. These things I don't know. It's a calculated risk, this knowing when. They say (my besties, that is) that I'll know when the time is right. I should just go on falling and go with the feeling. Say it when I feel it (because assuredly I will)? Uh, no. I can't do that. I'll have to figure the math and come up with the appropriate time and place. And be absolutely certain she's ready to hear it. That she's fallen and not just falling. Because you can't un-ring the bell. Once it's out there, it's out. No sucking it back in. And if I freak her out, there's no going back on that either.
So, yeah... Love it and hate it. I guess I'm happy to still be falling. Because what happens when I fall? I'm afraid it's going to slip out and either lack the proper emphasis of a first time and/or she's going to kick me in the shins and run screaming into the night. For now I'm content to know what I know. I'm falling. And it's a good feeling."
Yes, I intended to love her. I'm fairly certain I would have, if everything had kept going as it had been going. Of course, it didn't. She left and I'm left holding a big bag of intention. It's not as bad as holding heartache, but it still sucks in its own way.
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