Be That Person
A friend texted me last night. Her almost twelve year old son is starting middle school today and she was more than a little stressed. I guess it's somewhat normal for parents to be nervous about such milestones in their children's lives. I mean sixth grade means a bigger school, perhaps switching classrooms, more complex homework assignments, etc, etc. I'm sure there's also some wistfulness about the whole thing. The "My baby's growing up" kinda thing. My friend's concerns last night (and again this morning) were far larger. You see, her son is different. He always has been. Not only is he on "the spectrum," he also has Tourettte's. And he's on the fringes of non-binary. Plus, he lives on the border of Texas and Arkansas in a place that is far from open-minded and falls just below marginally accepting. This is the land of conservative politics (ie Trump), gun rights, big religion, and the concomitant "family values" that invariably tag along for the ride.
This is the same place I left after a decade because I no longer wanted to stand in my truth and watch my back at every turn. Lucky for me, I was an adult with an education, a job with a national company, and the ability to choose my own destiny. Sure, my decision to move to Austin was fraught with issues - it was knee-jerk and ill-researched - but I was able to stop looking over my shoulder. In that bastion of liberalness in Central Texas, I was able to be different and more readily accepted. "Keep Austin Weird"? Yeah, I did my part.
My friend's son, unfortunately, will have to play the hand he has been dealt. He will have to find a way to embrace his difference in a place that isn't all that keen on difference. He will need a thick skin. He will need strength. He will need a certainty that no matter what anyone says or does, his uniqueness is his super power. He will need to learn, like I did, that "different" is sooooooo much better than "normal." Because f*** there's nothing more humdrum than what the majority thinks is "normal." Different is absolutely where it's at.
So yeah, this gentle soul with the kind heart, far above average vocabulary, and a precocious gift and love for make up (He's been doing his mother's and older sister's since early elementary school) has a tough road ahead. This is where his mother's stress is rooted. No one wants to know with absolute assurance that their child is going to be bullied, made fun of, teased, put down, belittled, and called names. Like my mother before her, my friend simply wishes her son's life could be easier. If only he was more mainstream - a cisgender, red blooded American boy who loves trucks and guns and football. If only he'd be able to more easily fit into the social groups at his new middle school.
Of course, as his mom well knows, all that would steal what makes (and has always made) her little boy so damn spectacular. He is who is he. Only the uneducated, insecure, and close-minded would EVER want to change that.
He's not going to fit. He's just not. And that's going to be ok. Eventually. I never, ever, ever fit (Truth be told, I still don't) and I am so much better than ok. Granted it took awhile, but I found my way and discovered that my difference was my indeed my super power. And all the challenges I faced along the way - being asked if I was going to get a sex change (in sixth grade), having my locker spit on repeatedly, getting called a faggot (during my senior year), being chased out of bars by bigoted assholes who didn't think I should be talking to or dancing with "the pretty girls" - made me the person I am. I am me, unabashedly and without apology, take me or leave me. I am strong and brave, savvy and self-assured, understanding and kind. I am me....and everything my parents hoped I would be.
If I can pass on any lessons to my friend's son (and maybe reassure his mom a little), they would be these -
(1) Not everyone has the courage to stand and speak. Someone has to. Be that person. Find a way.
(2) Being different makes a difference. Someone has to be. Be that person. Revel in everything that makes you unique.
(3) You'll scare a lot of people. You're not scary. They are cowards. You are not. Don't you dare dim your light to make anyone more comfortable.
(4) Be an influencer every moment of every day, not just on Snapchat or whatever platform is currently cool.
(5) Don't be an a**hole just because others are. Rise above. Be better.
(6) There are two people who will ALWAYS believe in you - You. And your mom.
Most importantly -
(7) For every bully, there's an ally who has your back (Your mom has had mine since the moment we met).
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