I Believe

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For some reason I decided I needed a little music while drinking and fucking around on-line tonight. I pulled up the iTunes and listened to my most recently downloaded song (a recommendation from a friend... uh, yeah... It might be her favorite, but wow.... not so much). When I hit the forward button, "I Believe" by Diamond Rio began playing. I looked at my screen. The last time that I listened to that song? October 5, 2008 at 12:16pm. That would have been shortly after she left and just before I started to believe. Did I play that song on purpose that day? It's doubtful. That day it would have seemed random, just the iTunes on shuffle. Today it doesn't seem so random. That day. And again today. That day I didn't know belief was right around the corner. Today, it's all I have at times. Well, belief and faith (just look at the tattoos on my left calf).

If I'm honest and stand in my truth, I thought a lot about her today (and yesterday, too). Somehow whenever I get close to going home, she comes to mind. I won't see her. I know this. She can say 'maybe', but I'm a realist. She won't. She says it's because she 'can't' and I'm sure she believes that. I know better. If she really wanted to, she could. She won't. As in 'will not' because she doesn't want to badly enough. That's fine. She can not see me. One day she will. I know this. Because I believe.

So, it comes full circle and random doesn't seem so random anymore. That day last October, just hours removed from a delicious spearmint flavored kiss, I believed. I didn't think it would take this long for it all to come together. Keep in mind the clock is still ticking. And ticking and ticking. I expect it to keep on keepin' on for awhile. I'm cool with that. Because sitting here today, I believe. Thanks for the reassurance, God. I'll take it.

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