Admitting the Truth
I'm writing more. I can tell because my new blog site tells me that I've written nearly as many blogs thus far in November (it's the 17th) as I did in the entire month of October. I think it's a good thing. I'm not sure what's motivating me - The Words, assuredly, and one particular blog subscriber who loves to wake up and read me with her morning coffee (let's just call it that). But there's more. Time? Boredom? Confidence? Stories to tell? I suppose it's all of the above. I go through rough periods, like I do with the gym and working out, when I just don't wanna. I rebel against it and simply decide not to. Sometimes I don't feel like speaking my truth so I don't. I fill my time with other things, such as reading (as painful as that can be for me), watching mindless TV, venting to friends, downloading music, and effing around on FaceBook. The days slide by and I'm left wondering what in the Hell I did to pass the time. At least when I'm writing, I know what I was doing with my time.
So yes, I've been willing to admit a lot of truth lately. Why hide my pain? I want to remember this time, this horrible, awful simply no good time that's turning out to be slightly better than okay. This is my story. I've been acused of saying too much at times and not enough at others. I say what I think needs to be said at the time. If my truth hurts, so be it. It's mine. And for the record, it hurts me too on occasion. I assure you, before all is said and done, all will be said and done. All in due time. I will let out every secret, every hurt, every victory. Sometimes the wounds are too fresh and the rumor mill too present to say everything that needs saying, but eventually I will lay it all out for the world to read. It may be disguised by metaphor or written as fiction. Or it may be a puzzle that comes together over time. And if I happen to say too much too soon, don't expect an apology or a deletion. I've done that before and I will never do it again. I don't erase my truth (I may just not post it where I know certain people will read it).
My truth preceeds me and it will eventually succeed me. It is mine, all mine. My life, my interpretation. It is me, but it's not. It's me at the moment. I am, for better or worse, a work in progress. I was once accused of being confusing, wishy-washy even. My answer? Do you think I know where this life is going and who I'll be tomorrow? Hell, I'm not even sure about who I am today or who I was yesterday. Don't expect me to be one thing or another because you will be left wanting and confused every single time. I am my truth and we pretty much live day to day, minute to minute. I always say, "Read me and you will know me". This is true, but you have to read ALL of me, not just today or yesterday. Start at the beginning and keep going. See me. See my truth. Over time. Look deep within who I am and who I was. Dare to come inside and dare to acknowledge a little of your truth and you will know me. All of me. I promise you this.
So yes, I've been willing to admit a lot of truth lately. Why hide my pain? I want to remember this time, this horrible, awful simply no good time that's turning out to be slightly better than okay. This is my story. I've been acused of saying too much at times and not enough at others. I say what I think needs to be said at the time. If my truth hurts, so be it. It's mine. And for the record, it hurts me too on occasion. I assure you, before all is said and done, all will be said and done. All in due time. I will let out every secret, every hurt, every victory. Sometimes the wounds are too fresh and the rumor mill too present to say everything that needs saying, but eventually I will lay it all out for the world to read. It may be disguised by metaphor or written as fiction. Or it may be a puzzle that comes together over time. And if I happen to say too much too soon, don't expect an apology or a deletion. I've done that before and I will never do it again. I don't erase my truth (I may just not post it where I know certain people will read it).
My truth preceeds me and it will eventually succeed me. It is mine, all mine. My life, my interpretation. It is me, but it's not. It's me at the moment. I am, for better or worse, a work in progress. I was once accused of being confusing, wishy-washy even. My answer? Do you think I know where this life is going and who I'll be tomorrow? Hell, I'm not even sure about who I am today or who I was yesterday. Don't expect me to be one thing or another because you will be left wanting and confused every single time. I am my truth and we pretty much live day to day, minute to minute. I always say, "Read me and you will know me". This is true, but you have to read ALL of me, not just today or yesterday. Start at the beginning and keep going. See me. See my truth. Over time. Look deep within who I am and who I was. Dare to come inside and dare to acknowledge a little of your truth and you will know me. All of me. I promise you this.
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