A Wind Chime and the Night Sky

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I think I had an anxiety attack last night. I woke suddenly out of a drugged and drunken restless sleep at 2:14am. My mind whirred irrationally. Thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts. One topic to the next, again and again and again. I couldn't breathe (of course that might have been due to an overdose of depressants), my heart raced as if I'd had too much Red Bull, tears filled my eyes, and I reached out desperately into nothingness. I wanted what I couldn't possibly have. Peace. I wanted peace. Stillness of mind, heart, and soul.

I wanted to be home. To hear my dogs in the next room and the wind chime singing softly on the front porch. To get a drink of water in my kitchen and look out the window at the night sky. To crawl back in my bed under my white down comforter and fall silently back to sleep.

Instead, I was here. Lost and out of breath. Confused and irrational and out of control. I got up. I laid down. Tossed one way, then the next. This side of the pillow and that. Hershel next to me doing his best. I got up again. Walked, paced. Went to the door, then back to the bed. I sat. I stood. I struggled for breath. I wiped away my tears and laid down again. Tossing, turning, fighting for sleep.

I slept. I woke. I slept. I woke. I never rested. Now, I'm exhausted and hoping that tonight goes better. I'm not sure what to drug myself with - alcohol, Benadryl, or nothing. All I want is peace and a quiet mind. One day maybe all this will disappear or become okay. I'm not sure which I prefer. Whichever lets me sleep, I think. Yes, whichever lets me sleep.

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