Not Going To
I said I wasn't going to. And I'm not. If I keep typing, I won't reach for my phone. But... I've been drinking and I'm alone and I'm feeling extraordinarily single. Simplest math? I'm pathetic. And dying to do what I said I wasn't going to do. I have no willpower. Zero. I've texted nearly everyone else under the sun (well, not really... but close) and it's still not out of my system. She isn't out of my system, if I am to speak honestly and directly. I haven't heard from her in days. Of course she hasn't heard from me either. That's probably the problem. I hear from her after she hears from me; she's a responder, not an initiator. I have to say, it's a nifty pattern that I'm just about sick of.
And that's why I said I wasn't going to. Not tonight. I made it through last night thanks to a really long game of pool and the attention of a close friend. I made it through the night before thanks to total exhaustion and text messages from someone else. When I'm rational and sober, I'm convinced that she can fuck herself and her lack of communication skills. When I'm drunk and lonely, I'm certain I'd rather have her fuck me.
I know I'm entirely too communicative. I say what I feel and what I want when I want to. I'm sure that drives people crazy. Non-communicative people, I mean. And it's not like I want to carry on a texting conversation for hours and hours. I'm looking for a simple 'Hey, how's it going?'. That can't take long too type, even for a slow and ineffectual texter. Ah, but here's the kicker - She would have to think of me first BEFORE sending a message. Remember, she's a responder, not an intitator. Therefore she doesn't think of me until I make her think of me. By sending her a text message.
As I stated a moment ago, I'm about sick of it. And that's why I said I wasn't going to. Not tonight. I can tomorrow if I want to, but I'm sure I'll tell myself not to tomorrow. And I'll struggle and try to work up some anger. Because it's easier when I'm at least borderline angry. I can tell her to fuck herself (Just in my head, not for real) and feel better, stronger somehow. Of course, all that doesn't diminish my desire to talk to her. Dammit.
So here I sit, texting someone else so I don't text her. If I can keep my mind occupied and my hands typing, I might make it. Who am I kidding? It's really just a matter of time before I break down. Even though I said I wouldn't. And even though I shouldn't it. Isn't it time someone pursued me? Hell, isn't it time someone wanted to talk to me enough to remember to talk to me? I need to break the pattern. I need to be strong. I need to make her wonder where I've gone and why I'm not texting. That sounds suspiciously like a game to me and I hate games. But really, if she wanted to talk to me, she would. It's that sad and that simple. She doesn't. I do. And that's why I'm not going to. Right now. I can't promise I won't later.
And that's why I said I wasn't going to. Not tonight. I made it through last night thanks to a really long game of pool and the attention of a close friend. I made it through the night before thanks to total exhaustion and text messages from someone else. When I'm rational and sober, I'm convinced that she can fuck herself and her lack of communication skills. When I'm drunk and lonely, I'm certain I'd rather have her fuck me.
I know I'm entirely too communicative. I say what I feel and what I want when I want to. I'm sure that drives people crazy. Non-communicative people, I mean. And it's not like I want to carry on a texting conversation for hours and hours. I'm looking for a simple 'Hey, how's it going?'. That can't take long too type, even for a slow and ineffectual texter. Ah, but here's the kicker - She would have to think of me first BEFORE sending a message. Remember, she's a responder, not an intitator. Therefore she doesn't think of me until I make her think of me. By sending her a text message.
As I stated a moment ago, I'm about sick of it. And that's why I said I wasn't going to. Not tonight. I can tomorrow if I want to, but I'm sure I'll tell myself not to tomorrow. And I'll struggle and try to work up some anger. Because it's easier when I'm at least borderline angry. I can tell her to fuck herself (Just in my head, not for real) and feel better, stronger somehow. Of course, all that doesn't diminish my desire to talk to her. Dammit.
So here I sit, texting someone else so I don't text her. If I can keep my mind occupied and my hands typing, I might make it. Who am I kidding? It's really just a matter of time before I break down. Even though I said I wouldn't. And even though I shouldn't it. Isn't it time someone pursued me? Hell, isn't it time someone wanted to talk to me enough to remember to talk to me? I need to break the pattern. I need to be strong. I need to make her wonder where I've gone and why I'm not texting. That sounds suspiciously like a game to me and I hate games. But really, if she wanted to talk to me, she would. It's that sad and that simple. She doesn't. I do. And that's why I'm not going to. Right now. I can't promise I won't later.
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