A Challenge for the Soul

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For the past week, God has been challenging me to decide what I want. And if not 'decide' per se, at least think about or understand what I want. Several times a day I'd 'hear' Him asking me. I'd stumble and mumble a borderline frustrated, "Damn, I just don't know what to say", so He'd almost immediately give me another chance and ask again. "God, I just don't know. This or that or none of it?", I'd reply. It went on like this for days, over and over and over and over again. "Not this, God. Not this. More, somehow more" But what? But what? I needed an answer so I kept thinking and thinking and digging deeper and deeper.

Finally, after much soul-searching (literally), I decided. What I want is calm and peace. Neither comes with a name or dollar figure. It's very simple, really. In my soul, I want peace, a peace that comes from within rather than without. It goes beyond contentment and stops short of ecstasy.

As I look out on the horizon of my future, I see a largely blank slate. I see no one beside me and I feel at peace, calm. I'm not sure where I will go, what I will do, or who, if anyone, will accompany me. Truly none of that matters. The only thing I care about is the peace within me. I do not fear that I will be alone or that I will never write a Best Seller. I want peace and only peace. I don't need anything outside of myself to guarantee that. Actually in this case, I think less may truly be more.

I think this is when thoughts DO become things. It's not about wishing for money or a partner or a big house. It's about breaking everything down to it's base. If I wish for peace and live my life, make my choices, in pursuit and preservation of that peace, then all my hopes and dreams will come true. I will be driven towards that end and I will achieve it.

I will be healthier and happier because what I want is not a person, place, or thing. I seek a state of the soul. It's not that certain persons, places, or things can't contribute to my peace, but they are not the goal or the end point. They are simply a means to an end, part of the journey.

So, thanks to God's pushing and prodding, I am in a better spiritual place than I have ever been. I know what I want. And somehow that decision alone has brought my soul a modicum of peace. Instead of worrying about who, what, where, when, and what I'll weigh when I get there, I can relax. When God asks now, I know the answer. Peace. I want peace.

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