I Dig You...Damn the Luck

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Eh... It's not as good as it sounds. 'I dig you'. Good in theory. Questionable when it's actually said to you about you. Especially when you guess you could dig them back but might just prefer not to dig anyone. Not that it isn't cool to be dug. For a second, my stomach did a flippy-flop. Then it went, 'Oh....Wow'. And my brain asked, 'What do I say back?'. Definitely not 'I dig you, too'. It's not good to say things you only half mean or one-third mean, even if it seems like the best and only thing to say. I could look up what I said back (I was more than half asleep at the time), but I really don't want to know how much of an asshole I was. I do know I was an honest asshole because I know I didn't say it back.

I think maybe if she was unavailable it would all be different. You see this girl, while an exponential number of miles away (not Portland, Maine like that one time), is definitely available and I'm not sure I'm ready for available. I knew I should have slept with her when she was still married. Damn the luck. You see, if she's available, I have to be available. If she digs me I really need to dig her back. And I do. Kinda. Just with reservations. Because she available. I assure you, if she was unavailable, I'd be digging her big time.

And not because I always go for unavailable women. Yeesh. Because I am unavailable. I don't think I'm even cool with 'dating' (apparently 'sleeping with' is on the table) because dating can lead to more than dating, like commitment rings, U-Haul rentals, and broken promises. And I don't want to be the originator of any broken promises. Most people date to find a relationship. It seems disingenuous to date with no desire to have a relationship. Because people take dating as some tacit acknowledgement that a relationship is at least possible. Unavailable people don't date so to speak. If they are honest, which I generally pride myself on being.

So here I sit one day removed from 'I dig you'. I am utterly confused by what I should do with all this. Because I'm telling you, if she was somehow unavailable I'd dig her, too. God, I think I have just explained the complete and utter disaster of my dating life. On those occasions, I was too available. Fuck. Leave it to me to never quite get it right at the right time. Damn the luck. So, I have a girl an exponential number of miles away who digs me. I'm not going to lie. It feels good. Sort of. I want to shout a big 'Woo-Hoo!!!' but I don't dare. It seems selfish to want to be wanted yet not want. Christ on roller skates, where are all the unavailable women when I need them? Probably being dug by all the available women and freaking out. Damn the luck.

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