I Dig You...Damn the Luck

-
Eh... It's not as good as it sounds. 'I dig you'. Good in theory. Questionable when it's actually said to you about you. Especially when you guess you could dig them back but might just prefer not to dig anyone. Not that it isn't cool to be dug. For a second, my stomach did a flippy-flop. Then it went, 'Oh....Wow'. And my brain asked, 'What do I say back?'. Definitely not 'I dig you, too'. It's not good to say things you only half mean or one-third mean, even if it seems like the best and only thing to say. I could look up what I said back (I was more than half asleep at the time), but I really don't want to know how much of an asshole I was. I do know I was an honest asshole because I know I didn't say it back.

I think maybe if she was unavailable it would all be different. You see this girl, while an exponential number of miles away (not Portland, Maine like that one time), is definitely available and I'm not sure I'm ready for available. I knew I should have slept with her when she was still married. Damn the luck. You see, if she's available, I have to be available. If she digs me I really need to dig her back. And I do. Kinda. Just with reservations. Because she available. I assure you, if she was unavailable, I'd be digging her big time.

And not because I always go for unavailable women. Yeesh. Because I am unavailable. I don't think I'm even cool with 'dating' (apparently 'sleeping with' is on the table) because dating can lead to more than dating, like commitment rings, U-Haul rentals, and broken promises. And I don't want to be the originator of any broken promises. Most people date to find a relationship. It seems disingenuous to date with no desire to have a relationship. Because people take dating as some tacit acknowledgement that a relationship is at least possible. Unavailable people don't date so to speak. If they are honest, which I generally pride myself on being.

So here I sit one day removed from 'I dig you'. I am utterly confused by what I should do with all this. Because I'm telling you, if she was somehow unavailable I'd dig her, too. God, I think I have just explained the complete and utter disaster of my dating life. On those occasions, I was too available. Fuck. Leave it to me to never quite get it right at the right time. Damn the luck. So, I have a girl an exponential number of miles away who digs me. I'm not going to lie. It feels good. Sort of. I want to shout a big 'Woo-Hoo!!!' but I don't dare. It seems selfish to want to be wanted yet not want. Christ on roller skates, where are all the unavailable women when I need them? Probably being dug by all the available women and freaking out. Damn the luck.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Biggest Fan

-
It comes for all of us. If we're lucky. Right now, I'm not sure I feel lucky, but I know in the days, weeks, months, and years to come, I will come to realize that I am. Or I was. My parents are elderly, eighty-four and ninety-two. From where I'm sitting at the moment - my mother's hospital room - it's doubtful that my mom will reach tomorrow, much less eighty-five, So here I sit. And write...while  my biggest fan lays a few feet away snoring like a freight train. Her snores mean she's still alive so rather than drowning them out with music, I listen, Intently. Because each one could be her last. It's the drugs - her pain was pretty severe - making her sleep so soundly. These same drugs, the ones that keep the pain at bay, may also hasten her death. Her decision. She's been kicking cancer's a** for the past seven years. My mom's no sissy; she can endure. But this isn't the cancer, the known quantity. This is an aneurysm, a ticking time bomb
Read more

Be That Person

-
 A friend texted me last night. Her almost twelve year old son is starting middle school today and she was more than a little stressed. I guess it's somewhat normal for parents to be nervous about such milestones in their children's lives. I mean sixth grade means a bigger school, perhaps switching classrooms, more complex homework assignments, etc, etc. I'm sure there's also some wistfulness about the whole thing. The "My baby's growing up" kinda thing. My friend's concerns last night (and again this morning) were far larger. You see, her son is different. He always has been. Not only is he on "the spectrum," he also has Tourettte's. And he's on the fringes of non-binary. Plus, he lives on the border of Texas and Arkansas in a place that is far from open-minded and falls just below marginally accepting. This is the land of conservative politics (ie Trump), gun rights, big religion, and the concomitant "family values" that i
Read more

A Little Unsteady

-
"Hold onto me...cuz I'm a little unsteady..." It's the first song that popped up on Pandora tonight. Kismet? Serendipity? I don't know. I had another opening line all picked out (and I'm sure I'll get to it in a bit), but sometimes...sometimes the Universe has other plans. Other ideas. Other directions. And often it's right. Absolutely, perfect right. Like tonight...today...all of it... I was unsteady. I am unsteady. For the first time nearly five years. Five years . This, of course, isn't a lying, narcissistic girlfriend or a bad break up of any kind. And for that I am thankful (Not that I couldn't use a nifty stint on the Break Up Diet). In many ways, it's something worse. Much, much worse. I'm being pulled in two directions, veritably (though not literally...physically speaking anyway) torn in two. It's not news that I'm moving to Las Vegas next month. In fact, I leave one month from today with the first load of my life.
Read more