The Metaphysics of Impatience

-
I think I may have finally gotten over my impatience. I'm not saying that I've learned patience. I don't think I'm that far along. I'm not even sure I'm moving in that direction. Take it from me - the absence of impatience does not (necessarily) equal patience. I'm not calm and cool with waiting. I've pretty much decided that everything I thought I was waiting for is never going to happen. It's like I've been waiting for a bus that's never going to come. You don't suddenly grow patient with waiting when you finally make this realization. You stop waiting. There's a decisive difference. It's called 'Plan B'.

I used to be like a kid on a long car ride with God. Are we there yet? How much longer? Can we stop at McDonald's? I was impatient (and probably a little obnoxious at times). I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it NOW. Sooner than, if given the choice (which I wasn't). I wasn't into waiting. I was impatient. Truth be told, I seldom had a clue about what I really wanted. I fell back on 'not this' far too often.

As if what I wanted mattered anyway.

So yes, Plan B. I've decided to roll with it. I'm giving over (which is decisively different that giving up). I'm letting God lead for once. I'm not going to ask. I'm not going to pester. I'm not going to beseech. God seems to think He knows best, so I'm going to believe Him. I'm unfurling a wee bit of faith and just going with it. It's not that I've given up dreaming; dreaming and procrastinating those dreams are a huge part of my lifestyle. I can't just quit. I'd have nothing to do. I can assure you, I'm not going to be any more definitive about what I want than I've ever been. I'm simply going to trust that God has a plan for me (Plan B, perhaps) and He will reveal it to me when He is good and ready. Who am I to make demands of God? Who am I to be impatient?

I can stop looking around corners. I can stop hoping for blind curves.  I can stop waiting for what I think I want. God is showing me the way, whether I choose to see it or not. I'm not talking about predestination. I don't believe in it, not entirely anyway. I think I have a Fate - a place I'm supposed to end up and mile markers that I'm supposed to pass along the way. There are many routes to this Fate. God has the map and, if I let Him, He can make my trip a lot easier. If I shut up, lose my impatience, and listen. I think I'm finally learning the easy way. Give over, have faith, know. Go where God leads.

I still hope that some of my dreams come true. That maybe God will at least let me take a detour every now and again and actually get what I want, even if it makes the road longer. Now there's a good argument = Should I take time pursing what I want or simply trust God that my Fate is better than anything I could imagine wanting? Or do I just need to listen to my soul and know that God and I have the same vision? Maybe what I truly want in the depths of my soul IS my Fate. In this case, patience is possible and waiting is okay. Who am I to doubt God AND my soul? One or the other maybe, but certainly not both.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Biggest Fan

-
It comes for all of us. If we're lucky. Right now, I'm not sure I feel lucky, but I know in the days, weeks, months, and years to come, I will come to realize that I am. Or I was. My parents are elderly, eighty-four and ninety-two. From where I'm sitting at the moment - my mother's hospital room - it's doubtful that my mom will reach tomorrow, much less eighty-five, So here I sit. And write...while  my biggest fan lays a few feet away snoring like a freight train. Her snores mean she's still alive so rather than drowning them out with music, I listen, Intently. Because each one could be her last. It's the drugs - her pain was pretty severe - making her sleep so soundly. These same drugs, the ones that keep the pain at bay, may also hasten her death. Her decision. She's been kicking cancer's a** for the past seven years. My mom's no sissy; she can endure. But this isn't the cancer, the known quantity. This is an aneurysm, a ticking time bomb
Read more

Be That Person

-
 A friend texted me last night. Her almost twelve year old son is starting middle school today and she was more than a little stressed. I guess it's somewhat normal for parents to be nervous about such milestones in their children's lives. I mean sixth grade means a bigger school, perhaps switching classrooms, more complex homework assignments, etc, etc. I'm sure there's also some wistfulness about the whole thing. The "My baby's growing up" kinda thing. My friend's concerns last night (and again this morning) were far larger. You see, her son is different. He always has been. Not only is he on "the spectrum," he also has Tourettte's. And he's on the fringes of non-binary. Plus, he lives on the border of Texas and Arkansas in a place that is far from open-minded and falls just below marginally accepting. This is the land of conservative politics (ie Trump), gun rights, big religion, and the concomitant "family values" that i
Read more

A Little Unsteady

-
"Hold onto me...cuz I'm a little unsteady..." It's the first song that popped up on Pandora tonight. Kismet? Serendipity? I don't know. I had another opening line all picked out (and I'm sure I'll get to it in a bit), but sometimes...sometimes the Universe has other plans. Other ideas. Other directions. And often it's right. Absolutely, perfect right. Like tonight...today...all of it... I was unsteady. I am unsteady. For the first time nearly five years. Five years . This, of course, isn't a lying, narcissistic girlfriend or a bad break up of any kind. And for that I am thankful (Not that I couldn't use a nifty stint on the Break Up Diet). In many ways, it's something worse. Much, much worse. I'm being pulled in two directions, veritably (though not literally...physically speaking anyway) torn in two. It's not news that I'm moving to Las Vegas next month. In fact, I leave one month from today with the first load of my life.
Read more