Will There Be Coffee in Heaven? And Other Metaphysical Curiousities
Friend: I wonder if you get coffee in Heaven.
Me: Um... You're asking because...?
Friend: I dunno. It just crossed my mind.
Me: I'm sure you can have whatever you want.
Friend: Or will we even want it since we will be 'whole', so to speak.
Me: Eh... I'll still want sweet tea vodka.
Friend: Hmm... I've got to find out the answer to this.
Me: Who you gonna ask?
Friend: I dunno. God?
Me: Are you sure that's what you want to ask Him once you get His attention? About the availability of coffee in Heaven?
Friend: You're right.
Me: I'm not saying it's not important.
~
I guess it does kind of beg the question. Not about coffee in Heaven. I mean a bigger question. What would you ask God if given the chance? You have one question. What are you going to ask Him? Remember that at the point in time when you actually have His attention many formerly pressing questions are moot. Like...
* Is there 'life' after death?
* Is there really a god?
* Does God listen when I talk/pray?
Don't waste your time with those. God's presence means that all of the above are probably going to be a 'yes'. I'm not telling you what to do, but I think it might be best to dig a little deeper for information. I guess you could ask about the availability of coffee in Heaven. Maybe that's important to you (and truthfully, I know a couple people who NEED coffee to be anything close to normal. I don't care if they're dead or alive). Of course, I wouldn't ask anything like that. I've got a few bigger fish to fry. And anyway, the way I see it, fried okra and sweet tea vodka are evidence of Heaven on Earth, so it's a given that they exist in Heaven (which I don't really believe in. Except for those that attain godliness and choose not to embark on another journey through 'What's Next'). I'm pretty sure I'd ask something a wee bit more metaphysical or Biblical. Can you think of anyone better to ask about matters of theology and religion than God? I can't.
Ok, before we get into developing actual questions, we probably need to review basic questioning techniques. I work retail so I've been through a zillion 'questioning skills' classes. Real quick - there are two kinds of questions, Open ended and Closed. Closed questions leave the answerer with a limited number of choices, for example, 'do you like red or blue?' or 'are you drunk?'. Answers to such questions are generally one word. 'Blue'. 'Yes'. Closed questions are best used for clarification. Open ended questions are used to gather information. Recall 'The 5 Ws and an H? What, Where, Who, Why, When, and How. These questions require an essay answer. Keep in mind that you never know what you're going to get so be ready. Keep in mind that occasionally someone will answer a Closed question with a lengthy story, but I wouldn't count on God to do so. He strikes me as being more literal than that. So, when asking questions of God, I would highly recommend using the Open ended variety.
Let's see. It's going to be tough for me to narrow down the list to just one...
* Why were you such an asshole to the Israelites in the Old Testament?
* If Jesus is right and you're not pissed at us, why do cancer, AIDS, famine, stillbirths, etc still happen?
* What gives about Adam and Eve? Or... Where did Cane and Abel's wives come from?
* If Jesus is Your 'only son', why do they say that we are all Your children?
* Where will I need to be when the Rapture comes?
* Why are ghosts and other spirits not in 'Heaven'?
* Who actually wrote the Bible?
* What are the Mega Millions winning numbers for next week?
* Why is Grace often so damn slow?
* If I get 'saved', what exactly am I saved from?
* If You're all powerful, why do the Christians go on and on about the Devil?
* Why are women so dumb?
* Where do You stand on the gay marriage initiative?
* Sarah Palin - What were you thinking there?
* How would You suggest that we celebrate Jesus' birthday?
I could go on and on, but that doesn't get me any closer to the ONE question I would ask if God appeared before me. I can't decide what I need to know. I'd love the lottery numbers, however I feel that something of Biblical significance might be more enlightening and life changing. I get to play Barbara Walters to God's, well, God. What am I going to ask? What's He going to say?
My biggest fear in that regard is that He would shrug His shoulders and say, 'Stace, I don't have a fucking clue about any of that'. Silence and the sound of crickets in the night air. Oops. Wow. Really? No clue? None? Not a one? Well, crap. That changes a few things. Can I get another question?
Maybe God doesn't have as much to do with everything as we give Him credit for. Maybe He created the world and let us run with it. We wrote the Bible. Adam and Eve are fictional. We pick the winning lottery numbers. He doesn't know what the Rapture is much less where we need to be when it hits. Women are dumb because they just are. There is nothing to be saved from. And He doesn't take responsibility for Sarah Palin. We're not alone, but close. Let me just say that would suck. It would, however, suck worse for the religious zealots out there who insist upon using God as their scapegoat and defender. To find out that He's got nothing to do with it? It would be tragic. Until they said that it was just the Devil impersonating God. He can do that, you know. The Devil is really crafty that way.
In any case, we're no closer to knowing if there's coffee in Heaven. In most cities, there's a Starbucks on every corner and most convenience stores these days have a pretty good selection. Heaven can't be much different, so I doubt my friend has anything to worry about. As for me, I'm imagining a liquor store the size of Disneyland. I don't need angels singing or playing harps. I'd be happy with a bottomless bottle of sweet tea vodka and a metabolism that permits me to eat pizza, fried okra, and donuts on a daily basis. That's my Heaven folks.
Be ready, though, just in case God pops in. Remember to use an Open Ended question. Don't expect God to elaborate when you ask Him if He's seen Grandpa Fred or Great Aunt Sally. You'll get a simple Yes or No, which in the grander scheme doesn't mean a damn thing. You'd have been better to ask about coffee. I'm sure of it.
Me: Um... You're asking because...?
Friend: I dunno. It just crossed my mind.
Me: I'm sure you can have whatever you want.
Friend: Or will we even want it since we will be 'whole', so to speak.
Me: Eh... I'll still want sweet tea vodka.
Friend: Hmm... I've got to find out the answer to this.
Me: Who you gonna ask?
Friend: I dunno. God?
Me: Are you sure that's what you want to ask Him once you get His attention? About the availability of coffee in Heaven?
Friend: You're right.
Me: I'm not saying it's not important.
~
I guess it does kind of beg the question. Not about coffee in Heaven. I mean a bigger question. What would you ask God if given the chance? You have one question. What are you going to ask Him? Remember that at the point in time when you actually have His attention many formerly pressing questions are moot. Like...
* Is there 'life' after death?
* Is there really a god?
* Does God listen when I talk/pray?
Don't waste your time with those. God's presence means that all of the above are probably going to be a 'yes'. I'm not telling you what to do, but I think it might be best to dig a little deeper for information. I guess you could ask about the availability of coffee in Heaven. Maybe that's important to you (and truthfully, I know a couple people who NEED coffee to be anything close to normal. I don't care if they're dead or alive). Of course, I wouldn't ask anything like that. I've got a few bigger fish to fry. And anyway, the way I see it, fried okra and sweet tea vodka are evidence of Heaven on Earth, so it's a given that they exist in Heaven (which I don't really believe in. Except for those that attain godliness and choose not to embark on another journey through 'What's Next'). I'm pretty sure I'd ask something a wee bit more metaphysical or Biblical. Can you think of anyone better to ask about matters of theology and religion than God? I can't.
Ok, before we get into developing actual questions, we probably need to review basic questioning techniques. I work retail so I've been through a zillion 'questioning skills' classes. Real quick - there are two kinds of questions, Open ended and Closed. Closed questions leave the answerer with a limited number of choices, for example, 'do you like red or blue?' or 'are you drunk?'. Answers to such questions are generally one word. 'Blue'. 'Yes'. Closed questions are best used for clarification. Open ended questions are used to gather information. Recall 'The 5 Ws and an H? What, Where, Who, Why, When, and How. These questions require an essay answer. Keep in mind that you never know what you're going to get so be ready. Keep in mind that occasionally someone will answer a Closed question with a lengthy story, but I wouldn't count on God to do so. He strikes me as being more literal than that. So, when asking questions of God, I would highly recommend using the Open ended variety.
Let's see. It's going to be tough for me to narrow down the list to just one...
* Why were you such an asshole to the Israelites in the Old Testament?
* If Jesus is right and you're not pissed at us, why do cancer, AIDS, famine, stillbirths, etc still happen?
* What gives about Adam and Eve? Or... Where did Cane and Abel's wives come from?
* If Jesus is Your 'only son', why do they say that we are all Your children?
* Where will I need to be when the Rapture comes?
* Why are ghosts and other spirits not in 'Heaven'?
* Who actually wrote the Bible?
* What are the Mega Millions winning numbers for next week?
* Why is Grace often so damn slow?
* If I get 'saved', what exactly am I saved from?
* If You're all powerful, why do the Christians go on and on about the Devil?
* Why are women so dumb?
* Where do You stand on the gay marriage initiative?
* Sarah Palin - What were you thinking there?
* How would You suggest that we celebrate Jesus' birthday?
I could go on and on, but that doesn't get me any closer to the ONE question I would ask if God appeared before me. I can't decide what I need to know. I'd love the lottery numbers, however I feel that something of Biblical significance might be more enlightening and life changing. I get to play Barbara Walters to God's, well, God. What am I going to ask? What's He going to say?
My biggest fear in that regard is that He would shrug His shoulders and say, 'Stace, I don't have a fucking clue about any of that'. Silence and the sound of crickets in the night air. Oops. Wow. Really? No clue? None? Not a one? Well, crap. That changes a few things. Can I get another question?
Maybe God doesn't have as much to do with everything as we give Him credit for. Maybe He created the world and let us run with it. We wrote the Bible. Adam and Eve are fictional. We pick the winning lottery numbers. He doesn't know what the Rapture is much less where we need to be when it hits. Women are dumb because they just are. There is nothing to be saved from. And He doesn't take responsibility for Sarah Palin. We're not alone, but close. Let me just say that would suck. It would, however, suck worse for the religious zealots out there who insist upon using God as their scapegoat and defender. To find out that He's got nothing to do with it? It would be tragic. Until they said that it was just the Devil impersonating God. He can do that, you know. The Devil is really crafty that way.
In any case, we're no closer to knowing if there's coffee in Heaven. In most cities, there's a Starbucks on every corner and most convenience stores these days have a pretty good selection. Heaven can't be much different, so I doubt my friend has anything to worry about. As for me, I'm imagining a liquor store the size of Disneyland. I don't need angels singing or playing harps. I'd be happy with a bottomless bottle of sweet tea vodka and a metabolism that permits me to eat pizza, fried okra, and donuts on a daily basis. That's my Heaven folks.
Be ready, though, just in case God pops in. Remember to use an Open Ended question. Don't expect God to elaborate when you ask Him if He's seen Grandpa Fred or Great Aunt Sally. You'll get a simple Yes or No, which in the grander scheme doesn't mean a damn thing. You'd have been better to ask about coffee. I'm sure of it.
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