Just Out of Reach
I allow a lot of things to be just out of reach - rum, sweet tea vodka, cake (though more specifically, icing), pizza, donuts, certain ex-girlfriends, assorted former fuck-buddies, snakes, the occasional crush, and just about anything mango especially if it comes with shot or two of tequila. I know what's good for me and, incidentally, what's not. What's good for me I keep within reach. And, well, what's not... You know the drill.
I'm excellent at self-control. I know what to say and when to say it. I know what to do and when to do it. I know what to drink and when to drink it (momentary lapses aside). I know what to eat and when to eat it. I have many, many good habits that go along way toward making me a redeemable and contributing member of society. That said, I still bite my nails, skip the gym at an alarming rate, and fall prey to anxiety slightly more often than is healthy. I'm a procrastinator and far from perfect, but I do tend to make what seems to be the 'right' decision a lot of the time. I mean really... What harm can come from biting my nails and not working out? That's how I see it, too. I focus on what needs to be focused on. To me, staying away from pizza is essential to my mental, physical, and spiritual health. I'd put certain crushes, bacon, and aspartame in that same category. I could welcome them into my life on a regular basis, but it's probably just better not to.
I'm not sure if it's more about simplification or self-deprivation. My life is certainly simpler when I eat healthier, avoid alcohol, and abstain from women. Part of me prefers unhealthy eating and occasional drunkenness, but I know they aren't the right choices in the long run. If I want to live to be 103, I have to at least pretend to be healthy, especially if I'm not working out regularly. I assure you, however, that if I didn't like women as much as I do, I'd stay away from them and the dust cloud of drama that invariably follows along behind them. Women are frustrating and a pain in the ass 97% of the time, ie. so not worth my time, effort, energy, and/or increased anxiety level. The sad thing is that while life without them might be easier, it's infinitely more boring.
And that's why I think self-deprivation plays a bigger role in my choices. Perhaps it's a hold-out from my old anorexia days. As an anorexic, I learned how to deprive myself. I worked out for 3+ hours and ate only 700 calories a day for years on end. That's pure, unadulterated self-deprivation. I couldn't have done it without guilt. It's the absolute key. I had to convince myself that if I made the wrong choice, I was a despicable and unworthy person. A 'good' person can abstain from everything and anything. She always makes the 'right' choices. Because I demanded good of myself, I allowed guilt to take over my life. Ultimately, I decided over and over again that I'd rather feel hungry than guilty.
Now years later and fully recovered, I'm still able to work a little of that old guilt to my advantage. I guess part of it is a challenge to see if I can do it - can I avoid cake (and thus icing) and mango margaritas? I feel a sense of pride when I successfully navigate temptation. I'm not trying to be all Christ-like and abstain from everything fun, but I do my best to hold myself in check and keep certain things just out of reach. 'I didn't do it!' becomes the battle cry, which of course acknowledges the tantalizing nature of whatever was avoided while also highlighting personal strength and willpower.
As aggravating as it is to admit it, abstinence is usually the right thing to do. Dammit. I'm not sure where the fun is in all that. I guess it's in the so-called 'personal victory'. Now there's a rationalization if I've ever heard one. Still, though, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and hold various things just out of reach. Today my focus is on Lucky Charms and margaritas. We'll see how I do.
I'm excellent at self-control. I know what to say and when to say it. I know what to do and when to do it. I know what to drink and when to drink it (momentary lapses aside). I know what to eat and when to eat it. I have many, many good habits that go along way toward making me a redeemable and contributing member of society. That said, I still bite my nails, skip the gym at an alarming rate, and fall prey to anxiety slightly more often than is healthy. I'm a procrastinator and far from perfect, but I do tend to make what seems to be the 'right' decision a lot of the time. I mean really... What harm can come from biting my nails and not working out? That's how I see it, too. I focus on what needs to be focused on. To me, staying away from pizza is essential to my mental, physical, and spiritual health. I'd put certain crushes, bacon, and aspartame in that same category. I could welcome them into my life on a regular basis, but it's probably just better not to.
I'm not sure if it's more about simplification or self-deprivation. My life is certainly simpler when I eat healthier, avoid alcohol, and abstain from women. Part of me prefers unhealthy eating and occasional drunkenness, but I know they aren't the right choices in the long run. If I want to live to be 103, I have to at least pretend to be healthy, especially if I'm not working out regularly. I assure you, however, that if I didn't like women as much as I do, I'd stay away from them and the dust cloud of drama that invariably follows along behind them. Women are frustrating and a pain in the ass 97% of the time, ie. so not worth my time, effort, energy, and/or increased anxiety level. The sad thing is that while life without them might be easier, it's infinitely more boring.
And that's why I think self-deprivation plays a bigger role in my choices. Perhaps it's a hold-out from my old anorexia days. As an anorexic, I learned how to deprive myself. I worked out for 3+ hours and ate only 700 calories a day for years on end. That's pure, unadulterated self-deprivation. I couldn't have done it without guilt. It's the absolute key. I had to convince myself that if I made the wrong choice, I was a despicable and unworthy person. A 'good' person can abstain from everything and anything. She always makes the 'right' choices. Because I demanded good of myself, I allowed guilt to take over my life. Ultimately, I decided over and over again that I'd rather feel hungry than guilty.
Now years later and fully recovered, I'm still able to work a little of that old guilt to my advantage. I guess part of it is a challenge to see if I can do it - can I avoid cake (and thus icing) and mango margaritas? I feel a sense of pride when I successfully navigate temptation. I'm not trying to be all Christ-like and abstain from everything fun, but I do my best to hold myself in check and keep certain things just out of reach. 'I didn't do it!' becomes the battle cry, which of course acknowledges the tantalizing nature of whatever was avoided while also highlighting personal strength and willpower.
As aggravating as it is to admit it, abstinence is usually the right thing to do. Dammit. I'm not sure where the fun is in all that. I guess it's in the so-called 'personal victory'. Now there's a rationalization if I've ever heard one. Still, though, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and hold various things just out of reach. Today my focus is on Lucky Charms and margaritas. We'll see how I do.
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