Giving Up
I've decided to officially give up on people. After nearly forty-two years of trying, I just don't get them. At all. I got a degree in psychology because I thought it would help (it was also the easiest major I could find). It didn't. I studied exercise psychology in grad school because I thought it would help explain why people make unhealthy decisions (I was also an anorexic obsessed with fitness). It didn't. I've read books, observed, and analyzed until my eyes crossed and my stomach ached. Nada. I still don't understand why people do what they do 98% of the time. It's astounding really. The 'literature' is full of studies that say human behavior is predictable. Ha! Whatever! The only thing that's predictable is it's unpredictability.
I've determined that people are going to do what they do. They are. It's simple and easy. And there's absolutely no explaining it. You see, I'm not about control. I don't want them to do what I want them to do (even though that could be way cool in some situations). They are free to make their own choices. Seriously, I'm good with people doing what they do. As long as I understand why they do it. If I knew why they did what they did, I'd be fine, probably even good, on most occasions. Yet... It all remains a mystery to me.
And to them. I fear that's the even bigger problem. They don't know why they do what they do any more than I know why they do what they do. Most people I meet are cluelessly loathe to even lightly ponder the whys of their existence. They float through the world on the breeze, doing what feels right in the moment with little concern for the long and short term ramifications of their actions and choices. They don't want to think; they want to fly. To them, it's 'whatever' and they spend their lives happily, yet ignorantly, fighting fires. They live the same errant choices over and over with little desire to change anything. Change requires thought and thought just might require a steady dose of reality. It's so much easier to look in the mirror with eyes closed than it is to try to understand who they are and why they do what they do.
Thus is the world I live in. I'm so tired of trying to rationalize the behavior of others. 'She did this because...'. 'He did this because...'. 'It's okay because...'. I know full well that I'm usually wrong. I'm a positive person who always wants to think the best of people. This means that most of my explanations, while perhaps full of lies and half-truths, give a huge benefit of the doubt. I don't want to think that people are mean, nasty, vindictive, or self-centered, so I rationalize that they are not. You see, this part of the world is mine to control. When there isn't a logical explanation, I go with something far fetched and fairly positive (the 'dumb girl' justification aside). The problem is that I need an explanation. I need something to help me understand. It may be a load of crap, but at least I can sleep at night (with only the occasional sleep aid).
Maybe my problem is that I try too hard to understand myself and my decisions and I can't understand why others don't do the same. I analyze myself constantly. Self-improvement requires a cold, hard look. Why, why, why??? Why did I do this and not that? That and not this? I look in the mirror decisively with my eyes open. I am my biggest critic and toughest shrink. I don't let myself go to 'mamby-pamby land' for very long and I seldom fall back on a rationalization to explain my behavior. No, I seek to understand the reality of me because it's the only route to my true self. And that's the ultimate goal - to uncover my truest self. I can't get there by failing to think or by filling my head with lies.
I guess that's what gets me about people. They just don't think. They don't want to know. At this point, I'm tired - of trying to explain the unexplainable, of lying to myself about people. I've lost faith. In people. I have faith in God, just not his children in most cases. And truly, thank God for my faith in God. If not for that, I'd have gone crazy by now. With God, I am assured that whatever happens, Grace will be along shortly to make it all better. Even if I never understand all the whys involved. But, yes. I've given up. People are people and entirely too unpredictable. God is where it's at for me. I never doubt His decisions or His motivations. He is the power and the light and the Way. Look out 'Truest Self'. Here I come.
I've determined that people are going to do what they do. They are. It's simple and easy. And there's absolutely no explaining it. You see, I'm not about control. I don't want them to do what I want them to do (even though that could be way cool in some situations). They are free to make their own choices. Seriously, I'm good with people doing what they do. As long as I understand why they do it. If I knew why they did what they did, I'd be fine, probably even good, on most occasions. Yet... It all remains a mystery to me.
And to them. I fear that's the even bigger problem. They don't know why they do what they do any more than I know why they do what they do. Most people I meet are cluelessly loathe to even lightly ponder the whys of their existence. They float through the world on the breeze, doing what feels right in the moment with little concern for the long and short term ramifications of their actions and choices. They don't want to think; they want to fly. To them, it's 'whatever' and they spend their lives happily, yet ignorantly, fighting fires. They live the same errant choices over and over with little desire to change anything. Change requires thought and thought just might require a steady dose of reality. It's so much easier to look in the mirror with eyes closed than it is to try to understand who they are and why they do what they do.
Thus is the world I live in. I'm so tired of trying to rationalize the behavior of others. 'She did this because...'. 'He did this because...'. 'It's okay because...'. I know full well that I'm usually wrong. I'm a positive person who always wants to think the best of people. This means that most of my explanations, while perhaps full of lies and half-truths, give a huge benefit of the doubt. I don't want to think that people are mean, nasty, vindictive, or self-centered, so I rationalize that they are not. You see, this part of the world is mine to control. When there isn't a logical explanation, I go with something far fetched and fairly positive (the 'dumb girl' justification aside). The problem is that I need an explanation. I need something to help me understand. It may be a load of crap, but at least I can sleep at night (with only the occasional sleep aid).
Maybe my problem is that I try too hard to understand myself and my decisions and I can't understand why others don't do the same. I analyze myself constantly. Self-improvement requires a cold, hard look. Why, why, why??? Why did I do this and not that? That and not this? I look in the mirror decisively with my eyes open. I am my biggest critic and toughest shrink. I don't let myself go to 'mamby-pamby land' for very long and I seldom fall back on a rationalization to explain my behavior. No, I seek to understand the reality of me because it's the only route to my true self. And that's the ultimate goal - to uncover my truest self. I can't get there by failing to think or by filling my head with lies.
I guess that's what gets me about people. They just don't think. They don't want to know. At this point, I'm tired - of trying to explain the unexplainable, of lying to myself about people. I've lost faith. In people. I have faith in God, just not his children in most cases. And truly, thank God for my faith in God. If not for that, I'd have gone crazy by now. With God, I am assured that whatever happens, Grace will be along shortly to make it all better. Even if I never understand all the whys involved. But, yes. I've given up. People are people and entirely too unpredictable. God is where it's at for me. I never doubt His decisions or His motivations. He is the power and the light and the Way. Look out 'Truest Self'. Here I come.
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