On the Rare Occasion
I've given it a lot of thought. And if any of you know me, I mean really KNOW me, you know what I mean by a lot. I've analyzed, pondered, contemplated, evaluated, run the numbers, meditated, studied, and deliberated until my eyes crossed and my head hurt. Along the way, I've drank my share and discussed the issues with God and certain very select friends. I've written it, erased it, and written it again. Only to erase it again. I've concluded and recanted, hoped and prayed. Once I decided and then decided I was full of shit. I'm not sure I'm ready for a conclusion, but I'm going to make one. For today. If you ask me tomorrow, I might say something completely different. We'll see. I was once accused of being wishy-washy. Yeah so? I never said I was perfect (ok, maybe that one time). No matter what, though, I know who I am. Right now today. Tomorrow? There's no telling. At best I'm a work in progress. Try to remember that as you read on.
I like being single. I might even argue that I love it. I get to do what I want when I want. I'm accountable to myself and God, no one else. I like my weird, ever-changing schedule that always seems to piss off significant others. I can get up early or stay up late. I can talk or not talk, text or not text. I can walk or run. I can have an early dinner or no dinner at all. I can watch Sports Center or yet another rerun of 'Criminal Minds'. I am free - free to be me and free to write.
The freedom to write is a bigger deal than most might think. It's not just about the freedom to write anytime I want without interruption, though that definitely can become as issue. I haven't met many women who are willing to finish second behind a laptop. Most start off happy enough about it - they're in a 'Stacee Ann Harris Blog'. Wee-hee. Woo-hoo. However, when they see how The Words can take over my life, how I let them take over my life, it can get ugly. I simply refuse to justify how I spend my time to anyone and that can become problematic.
Of course, it's more than that for me. It's about what I feel free to write when I'm dating (or, heaven forbid, have a girlfriend). I may not have much but I do have integrity and about an equal amount of honor. I know what to say and what not to say. I know what may hurt and what may not. All that said, I know what's acceptable to write about. Other women and telling relationship issues are not on that list. Given that I like to write about my life in detailed fashion (I've been told it's part of my blog's charm), being single is the only way to go. If I want to avoid pissing on and pissing off too many people. It may sound shocking, but I've broken up and/or stopped dating several women because they were getting in the way of my writing. When I can't write what I want to write, something's gotta give. And usually it's the girl, no matter how pretty she may be.
So, yes... I love being single. I've lived the majority of my life this way and I'm cool with it. I've learned to meet my own need for attention and gratification. I am my own best friend, confidante, and editor. I am confident, peaceful, happy, grounded, and whole. I love myself and moreover, I LIKE myself. Periodically over the years, I let women drag me down and try to convince me that I was someone I'm not. I've thought a lot about my failures and choices. My friends may tell me different, but I was the common denominator. Me. Stacee Ann Harris. I take responsibility for all of it. Thankfully, I've learned and grown. I will not repeat the same mistakes. I will never allow anyone to take me away from me again.
Being single has made me stronger and more self-assured. It seems harsh to say that I don't need anyone, but I don't. I am fine on my own, lonely every now and again but fine nonetheless. That's not to say I don't want anyone, because that is truly a whole different story. I long for the same things as most people, just in moderation. From the outside looking in, my choices may seem frivolous or perhaps even daft. Truthfully, most are pretty well-thought out. I seldom make snap decisions, especially when certain portions of my freedom are at stake. Because I truly prefer being single, I make choices in support of that desire. You may say that I can't have it both ways, but I say I can. And I have. For short periods of time. Which is really more or less ok with me.
Honestly, I don't date much. This is largely because women don't want to date. They don't. In my experience, there are two types of women and neither wants to date. Type #1 women may say they want to date, but I'm here to tell you that they don't. They want a commitment, a ring, and/or a U-Haul in the driveway. They'll tell you that they're only interested in dating, but they're just biding their time until they can get their hooks in someone. Type #2 women don't date because they don't date. When asked out, they think their 'yes' will be seen as tacit agreement to some pre-commitment commitment ceremony. They're militantly single and think that even one cup of coffee may call all that into question.
All I know is that both types of women fuck with my chances of ever getting a date. Christ on a unicycle. It's a drink, not a marriage proposal. Truthfully, I don't ask many women out. I'm not ashamed to admit that I fear failure and the potential weirdness that can befall a friendship when someone asks someone out. Add to that the icky queasy feeling that comes over me every time I contemplate actually dating and my somewhat wacko list of requirements? Yeah, we're talking about the rare occasion.
The following list of 'requirements' is certainly a work in progress and it's creation is fairly new (within the past twelve months), so don't go passing judgement. What am I looking for in a potential 'dating situation'? Let's see... (Keep in mind that all of the following require at least a minimum of sexual attraction, otherwise we just need to stay friends)... I want...
* Someone who assures me on a stack of Bibles and/or swears to Buddha that she has no desire for a committed relationship. She is ONLY interested in dating (by 'dating', I mean get together, go out, stay in, have sex, get drunk, talk, laugh, make out). That isn't to say that something more lasting can't develop over time (by 'over time', I mean a time frame significantly north of six months or a year. There will be absolutely no lesbionic 'I love yous' and U-Haul rentals on the second date).
or
* Someone who lives more than four hours out of town. The pain in the ass of travel is better than the risk of ever-increasing daily demands on time and freedom. Until it just becomes a pain in the ass.
or
* Someone who doesn't have a computer or a Facebook account. If she doesn't have a computer or a Facebook, she can't read my Blog. That's freedom for the writer in me, friends. Of course it'll only lasts until one of her friends reads and tells all.
or
* Someone who is straight, married to someone else, and just looking for some extracurricular fun. The Rodeo. It's always free from promise and need. It's perfection. Unless (until) the husband finds out.
or
* Someone who is as self-assured and busy as I am. Someone who loves her life and her freedom as much as I do mine. Someone who wants a complement, not an attachment.
As much as I love the Rodeo, the last is the only option I put much credence in. She, and only she, will be evolved enough to handle my evolution, my strength, and my desire for freedom. She is also the only one who has long-term potential. 'Long-term' doesn't have to mean commitment in the traditional sense. Long term can mean long-term dating. Nothing ever has to change. Not if it doesn't want to. And it may not want to. Or it might. You see, for all my rhetoric, I still dream of the 'what if'. I still like the idea of potential.
So what was the big conclusion I talked about in the first paragraph? I'm cool with dating, but just dating. I want to be free and single, but I want to date. I understand the issues. I do. Because I created them and I live them. My friends tell me I'm picky (interestingly, they're the same friends who chew on me about all the dumbasses I've dated) and I'd have to agree. I'm not going to date just anybody. I'm good with being single which means I'm good with not dating. However once in a blue moon, I find someone who fits my 'criteria' (AND I'm able to fight my fears AND overlook the queasy stomach) and I ask. I'll admit it's only on the rare occasion and it doesn't mean I get my date, but I try. Because even though I love being single, I am cool with dating. At least for today.
I like being single. I might even argue that I love it. I get to do what I want when I want. I'm accountable to myself and God, no one else. I like my weird, ever-changing schedule that always seems to piss off significant others. I can get up early or stay up late. I can talk or not talk, text or not text. I can walk or run. I can have an early dinner or no dinner at all. I can watch Sports Center or yet another rerun of 'Criminal Minds'. I am free - free to be me and free to write.
The freedom to write is a bigger deal than most might think. It's not just about the freedom to write anytime I want without interruption, though that definitely can become as issue. I haven't met many women who are willing to finish second behind a laptop. Most start off happy enough about it - they're in a 'Stacee Ann Harris Blog'. Wee-hee. Woo-hoo. However, when they see how The Words can take over my life, how I let them take over my life, it can get ugly. I simply refuse to justify how I spend my time to anyone and that can become problematic.
Of course, it's more than that for me. It's about what I feel free to write when I'm dating (or, heaven forbid, have a girlfriend). I may not have much but I do have integrity and about an equal amount of honor. I know what to say and what not to say. I know what may hurt and what may not. All that said, I know what's acceptable to write about. Other women and telling relationship issues are not on that list. Given that I like to write about my life in detailed fashion (I've been told it's part of my blog's charm), being single is the only way to go. If I want to avoid pissing on and pissing off too many people. It may sound shocking, but I've broken up and/or stopped dating several women because they were getting in the way of my writing. When I can't write what I want to write, something's gotta give. And usually it's the girl, no matter how pretty she may be.
So, yes... I love being single. I've lived the majority of my life this way and I'm cool with it. I've learned to meet my own need for attention and gratification. I am my own best friend, confidante, and editor. I am confident, peaceful, happy, grounded, and whole. I love myself and moreover, I LIKE myself. Periodically over the years, I let women drag me down and try to convince me that I was someone I'm not. I've thought a lot about my failures and choices. My friends may tell me different, but I was the common denominator. Me. Stacee Ann Harris. I take responsibility for all of it. Thankfully, I've learned and grown. I will not repeat the same mistakes. I will never allow anyone to take me away from me again.
Being single has made me stronger and more self-assured. It seems harsh to say that I don't need anyone, but I don't. I am fine on my own, lonely every now and again but fine nonetheless. That's not to say I don't want anyone, because that is truly a whole different story. I long for the same things as most people, just in moderation. From the outside looking in, my choices may seem frivolous or perhaps even daft. Truthfully, most are pretty well-thought out. I seldom make snap decisions, especially when certain portions of my freedom are at stake. Because I truly prefer being single, I make choices in support of that desire. You may say that I can't have it both ways, but I say I can. And I have. For short periods of time. Which is really more or less ok with me.
Honestly, I don't date much. This is largely because women don't want to date. They don't. In my experience, there are two types of women and neither wants to date. Type #1 women may say they want to date, but I'm here to tell you that they don't. They want a commitment, a ring, and/or a U-Haul in the driveway. They'll tell you that they're only interested in dating, but they're just biding their time until they can get their hooks in someone. Type #2 women don't date because they don't date. When asked out, they think their 'yes' will be seen as tacit agreement to some pre-commitment commitment ceremony. They're militantly single and think that even one cup of coffee may call all that into question.
All I know is that both types of women fuck with my chances of ever getting a date. Christ on a unicycle. It's a drink, not a marriage proposal. Truthfully, I don't ask many women out. I'm not ashamed to admit that I fear failure and the potential weirdness that can befall a friendship when someone asks someone out. Add to that the icky queasy feeling that comes over me every time I contemplate actually dating and my somewhat wacko list of requirements? Yeah, we're talking about the rare occasion.
The following list of 'requirements' is certainly a work in progress and it's creation is fairly new (within the past twelve months), so don't go passing judgement. What am I looking for in a potential 'dating situation'? Let's see... (Keep in mind that all of the following require at least a minimum of sexual attraction, otherwise we just need to stay friends)... I want...
* Someone who assures me on a stack of Bibles and/or swears to Buddha that she has no desire for a committed relationship. She is ONLY interested in dating (by 'dating', I mean get together, go out, stay in, have sex, get drunk, talk, laugh, make out). That isn't to say that something more lasting can't develop over time (by 'over time', I mean a time frame significantly north of six months or a year. There will be absolutely no lesbionic 'I love yous' and U-Haul rentals on the second date).
or
* Someone who lives more than four hours out of town. The pain in the ass of travel is better than the risk of ever-increasing daily demands on time and freedom. Until it just becomes a pain in the ass.
or
* Someone who doesn't have a computer or a Facebook account. If she doesn't have a computer or a Facebook, she can't read my Blog. That's freedom for the writer in me, friends. Of course it'll only lasts until one of her friends reads and tells all.
or
* Someone who is straight, married to someone else, and just looking for some extracurricular fun. The Rodeo. It's always free from promise and need. It's perfection. Unless (until) the husband finds out.
or
* Someone who is as self-assured and busy as I am. Someone who loves her life and her freedom as much as I do mine. Someone who wants a complement, not an attachment.
As much as I love the Rodeo, the last is the only option I put much credence in. She, and only she, will be evolved enough to handle my evolution, my strength, and my desire for freedom. She is also the only one who has long-term potential. 'Long-term' doesn't have to mean commitment in the traditional sense. Long term can mean long-term dating. Nothing ever has to change. Not if it doesn't want to. And it may not want to. Or it might. You see, for all my rhetoric, I still dream of the 'what if'. I still like the idea of potential.
So what was the big conclusion I talked about in the first paragraph? I'm cool with dating, but just dating. I want to be free and single, but I want to date. I understand the issues. I do. Because I created them and I live them. My friends tell me I'm picky (interestingly, they're the same friends who chew on me about all the dumbasses I've dated) and I'd have to agree. I'm not going to date just anybody. I'm good with being single which means I'm good with not dating. However once in a blue moon, I find someone who fits my 'criteria' (AND I'm able to fight my fears AND overlook the queasy stomach) and I ask. I'll admit it's only on the rare occasion and it doesn't mean I get my date, but I try. Because even though I love being single, I am cool with dating. At least for today.
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