A Place To BE
I'm sitting in church. And writing. Needless to say, I'm not exactly interested. I have no idea what the pastor is talking about. Not because I don't get. It all has to do with where I'm choosing to place my attention. I'm here but I'm not. I'm barely half listening. Let me focus for a moment. Ok, he's talking about rain and I assume he's going to talk about 'spiritual drought' eventually. Or maybe we're just going to pray for rain. Oy. I like his voice and for all I know he's saying something really cool. Not to worry. My subconscious will pick up on it and I'll shift attention. If nothing else, I'm a righteously awesome multi-tasker. Whoops, he just mentioned the Old Testament. The mere mention of the O.T. makes me shut down. I hope I didn't sigh audibly.
So, why did I come to church this morning, only to not pay attention? I'd like to be able to say it's about a girl, like 90% of my life. Not that I'm opposed to meeting someone in church, however that's not my primary purpose in being here. Sadly, it's about wanting to find a place where I can BE in all my spiritual glory and relax with like-minded people who get it. Unfortunately, after several weeks of 'church shopping', I've yet to find anyone 'like-minded'. More and more I'm seeing that I might be on my own with this one. God bless, I like Jesus, a lot even, but this traditional Christianity sure can be a beating.
It hasn't been a total loss. Last week I got a donut and this week a free pen. I've also gained an inordinate amount of knowledge about myself and what I want. And don't want. I don't want this. I don't want to sit and listen to someone else talk on a Sunday morning and tell me things that are in rash opposition to what I believe, to what I KNOW.
It's like when I became a Spinning instructor. I hated taking classes with other instructors. My music spoke to me in ways someone else's never could. It's not about control; it's about a voice that speaks. My voice is strong and it's mine. It not only speaks for me, it speaks to me. I guess if an instructor chose my kind of music, I'd have gone. I guess if I found a church that believes as I do, I'd go. I'm not looking for someone to reiterate all of my beliefs or speak my words verbatim. I simply want an essence of similarity. I want someone to use the language I use and understand what I know.
Holy Hell. We're praying for rain. Oh wait... And the 'spiritual drought'. Thank God for the spiritual part, otherwise I'd have hit the door. Ok, and here's another thing - he added our sin into the mix. Christians sure are serious about their sin. Ugh. If he mentions the End Times, I'll wait for my friends on the play ground outside, even though it's way too hot for all that.
I suppose I'm at a fork in the road. I can go the traditional Christian route and continue looking for a place to BE. Or I can go my own way and realize my place to BE lies firmly within. Honestly, I get more spiritual fulfillment out of a hellacious track workout than I ever do at church. I'm pretty sure I just answered my own question. The fork I must take is mine, my path, my unique route.
This...church will never do and it will never give me what I need. It has me looking without rather than within. I find God everywhere, but mostly I find Him inside me. He and I are One, always have been and always will be. Whether I go to church or not. I've walked alone with my God a long time, nothing says I can't keep going indefinitely. So, down the road I'll go. Away from this place, but ever closer to God.
So, why did I come to church this morning, only to not pay attention? I'd like to be able to say it's about a girl, like 90% of my life. Not that I'm opposed to meeting someone in church, however that's not my primary purpose in being here. Sadly, it's about wanting to find a place where I can BE in all my spiritual glory and relax with like-minded people who get it. Unfortunately, after several weeks of 'church shopping', I've yet to find anyone 'like-minded'. More and more I'm seeing that I might be on my own with this one. God bless, I like Jesus, a lot even, but this traditional Christianity sure can be a beating.
It hasn't been a total loss. Last week I got a donut and this week a free pen. I've also gained an inordinate amount of knowledge about myself and what I want. And don't want. I don't want this. I don't want to sit and listen to someone else talk on a Sunday morning and tell me things that are in rash opposition to what I believe, to what I KNOW.
It's like when I became a Spinning instructor. I hated taking classes with other instructors. My music spoke to me in ways someone else's never could. It's not about control; it's about a voice that speaks. My voice is strong and it's mine. It not only speaks for me, it speaks to me. I guess if an instructor chose my kind of music, I'd have gone. I guess if I found a church that believes as I do, I'd go. I'm not looking for someone to reiterate all of my beliefs or speak my words verbatim. I simply want an essence of similarity. I want someone to use the language I use and understand what I know.
Holy Hell. We're praying for rain. Oh wait... And the 'spiritual drought'. Thank God for the spiritual part, otherwise I'd have hit the door. Ok, and here's another thing - he added our sin into the mix. Christians sure are serious about their sin. Ugh. If he mentions the End Times, I'll wait for my friends on the play ground outside, even though it's way too hot for all that.
I suppose I'm at a fork in the road. I can go the traditional Christian route and continue looking for a place to BE. Or I can go my own way and realize my place to BE lies firmly within. Honestly, I get more spiritual fulfillment out of a hellacious track workout than I ever do at church. I'm pretty sure I just answered my own question. The fork I must take is mine, my path, my unique route.
This...church will never do and it will never give me what I need. It has me looking without rather than within. I find God everywhere, but mostly I find Him inside me. He and I are One, always have been and always will be. Whether I go to church or not. I've walked alone with my God a long time, nothing says I can't keep going indefinitely. So, down the road I'll go. Away from this place, but ever closer to God.
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