Equal Signs
A friend asked me last night if I was ready to share my life with someone. I answered, 'yes', but added that it needed to be the right person. She didn't realize that my very small qualification essentially made my 'yes' answer superfluous fluff and her question completely irrelevent. I don't think there is a 'right' person and that's not just me bullshitting out of fear of commitment, heartbreak, and/or failure. In nearly forty-two and a half years, I have never met my equal. That slims the odds a little.
It's not that I think I'm better than anyone. We're talking about equal signs, not greater thans or less thans. For better or worse, I am different. I see the world, God, spirit, connectivity, etc in a way that few understand and even fewer aspire to. We may seem similar on the outside; I'm good at making myself 'look' like everyone else so most never realize just how different I am. I talk about what most people talk about and share the parts of my dreams that are similar to theirs. Point blank, I've discovered that it's just easier to fit in a little, so I make myself fit in a little.
The trouble starts when the conversation turns a little deeper. Generally, I try to stay surface and explain things in terms that others will understand. This is why I answered 'yes' last night. I didn't feel like getting into it. 'Yes' was easier and it's not a lie. If I ever found my equal, I would share my life with them. Anything short of that would be a spiritual, emotional, and intellectual beating. I don't have the time or energy for all that. I've been there and truly, truly DO NOT want to go back again. Why put up with a bunch of interpersonal bullshit when I'm perfectly happy as is?
The problem is that I get sucked into my partner's (I hate that word) world because they are totally incapable of joining mine. In the end I'm the bitch for not 'getting them'. Make no mistake, I 'get them'. I simply have an incredibly low tolerance for anything that smacks of dishonesty, questionable integrity, neediness, jealousy, possessiveness, or obsessiveness. The 'right person', if we can go back to her, will understand the difference between love and fear. Above all, she will not need me. We will independently move through the world, trust implicitly, and bring joy to each other when we choose to be together. Sound familiar? Yeah, I didn't think so.
All that said, I came to a conclusion last night. I'm going back to being who I was before I came out. I never dated and never thought about it. I always attributed this to not knowing 'who I was' at the time. I wasn't straight, but didn't yet know I was gay so there was no reason to pursue men. Then I came out and thought the normal thing to do was to date women. I was right. It is the normal thing. But maybe it's just not for me. I'm not saying that I'm going back to being straight. I think I'm going back to being 'none of the above'. People spend so much time worrying about who they're dating and wondering why they're not dating. In the end, they value (or devalue) themselves based upon their answers to those ponderings. I've been there. I simply don't want to do it any more. It seems pointless and, in truth, I'm better than good alone.
So, where is all this coming from? I released my first book last week and got my first shipment yesterday. I was excited and happy. And didn't want to share it with anyone. I always thought I would. I assumed success would be better with someone to share it with. Maybe for some it is, but I discovered that I like it just being me. I don't want to share. Or have someone steal it from me. I want to be able to bask silently in my 'glory'. I don't want someone to bitch about how hot it is or how their dreams never seem to come true or how stupid my bucket list is. I also don't want someone to be so excited you'd think they wrote the book. I'm good with a mellow internal celebration. Plus, I'm proud of me all on my own. I certainly don't need any outside validation. I want people to buy my book and enjoy it so much that they share it, but that's about as far as I'm willing to go.
My plan going forward is simple. I'm going to live my calling. I'm going to publish more books, maybe write a novel or a screenplay, pursue a deeper spirituality, go back to school, and hopefully scratch a few more things off my bucket list. I am fully capable of doing all this alone. Until the 'right person' comes along. Or not.
It's not that I think I'm better than anyone. We're talking about equal signs, not greater thans or less thans. For better or worse, I am different. I see the world, God, spirit, connectivity, etc in a way that few understand and even fewer aspire to. We may seem similar on the outside; I'm good at making myself 'look' like everyone else so most never realize just how different I am. I talk about what most people talk about and share the parts of my dreams that are similar to theirs. Point blank, I've discovered that it's just easier to fit in a little, so I make myself fit in a little.
The trouble starts when the conversation turns a little deeper. Generally, I try to stay surface and explain things in terms that others will understand. This is why I answered 'yes' last night. I didn't feel like getting into it. 'Yes' was easier and it's not a lie. If I ever found my equal, I would share my life with them. Anything short of that would be a spiritual, emotional, and intellectual beating. I don't have the time or energy for all that. I've been there and truly, truly DO NOT want to go back again. Why put up with a bunch of interpersonal bullshit when I'm perfectly happy as is?
The problem is that I get sucked into my partner's (I hate that word) world because they are totally incapable of joining mine. In the end I'm the bitch for not 'getting them'. Make no mistake, I 'get them'. I simply have an incredibly low tolerance for anything that smacks of dishonesty, questionable integrity, neediness, jealousy, possessiveness, or obsessiveness. The 'right person', if we can go back to her, will understand the difference between love and fear. Above all, she will not need me. We will independently move through the world, trust implicitly, and bring joy to each other when we choose to be together. Sound familiar? Yeah, I didn't think so.
All that said, I came to a conclusion last night. I'm going back to being who I was before I came out. I never dated and never thought about it. I always attributed this to not knowing 'who I was' at the time. I wasn't straight, but didn't yet know I was gay so there was no reason to pursue men. Then I came out and thought the normal thing to do was to date women. I was right. It is the normal thing. But maybe it's just not for me. I'm not saying that I'm going back to being straight. I think I'm going back to being 'none of the above'. People spend so much time worrying about who they're dating and wondering why they're not dating. In the end, they value (or devalue) themselves based upon their answers to those ponderings. I've been there. I simply don't want to do it any more. It seems pointless and, in truth, I'm better than good alone.
So, where is all this coming from? I released my first book last week and got my first shipment yesterday. I was excited and happy. And didn't want to share it with anyone. I always thought I would. I assumed success would be better with someone to share it with. Maybe for some it is, but I discovered that I like it just being me. I don't want to share. Or have someone steal it from me. I want to be able to bask silently in my 'glory'. I don't want someone to bitch about how hot it is or how their dreams never seem to come true or how stupid my bucket list is. I also don't want someone to be so excited you'd think they wrote the book. I'm good with a mellow internal celebration. Plus, I'm proud of me all on my own. I certainly don't need any outside validation. I want people to buy my book and enjoy it so much that they share it, but that's about as far as I'm willing to go.
My plan going forward is simple. I'm going to live my calling. I'm going to publish more books, maybe write a novel or a screenplay, pursue a deeper spirituality, go back to school, and hopefully scratch a few more things off my bucket list. I am fully capable of doing all this alone. Until the 'right person' comes along. Or not.
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