The Road I'm On

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I'm going the right way. I know I am. With my head clearer than it's been in years, I'm remembering so much I hadn't even realize I'd forgotten. The person I am today is the person I used to be; the person I've almost always been. When I look back on my life, I see things. I understand things. I'm the same as ever and as different as ever. Who I am right now sitting here in Austin, Texas is the same girl who hated fourth grade and Sixth Grade Camp; the same girl who was well liked but never popular; the same girl who was happier alone than anywhere else, the same girl who always knew she wasn't like everyone else. What I never thought about then, but truly understand now, is that I am happiest when I am true to myself.

Over the years I've tried to make myself 'fit'. I did what I was 'supposed' to do. To an extent. Let's be clear, I've never completely fit in. Ever. That said, I often tried to slide a couple standard deviations closer to normal. Just for good measure and just to see what I could see. I'd hang out with 'crowds' that were similar to me - runners when I was a runner, tennis players when I was a tennis player, lesbians when I was newly out lesbian. I ran, played, dated, drank, acted typical. I've tried to squeeze myself into the round hole society chose for me, tried not to be, tried to hide. Thankfully, I've been woefully unsuccessful. I'm still the same as I've always been - well liked but not popular, happiest alone, and different.

This is WHO I AM, who I've always been, and I'm more than ok with it.

I've been on this road, the road to my Highest Self, a long time. I was oblivious most of the time, but that apparently didn't matter. I've grown spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually. God has challenged me and I have survived and learned. I am stronger and understand more than ever. Pay close attention to my next statement because it is key - The times in my life when I have allowed myself to be 'less than' have invariably been followed by periods of strife. This isn't a coincdence; it's a lesson. I think that we have to see who we are not to truly know who we are. With this understanding comes peace, courage, and an ever deepening faith in God's love. Believing becomes as easy as breathing. This is where I am. I encourage everyone to join me.

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