Wanted: One Beautiful Disaster

-
Part of me is in the mood for yet another beautiful disaster. It's been a minute. I just want to feel that kind of alive even if it only lasts a moment. I know as well as anyone how it'll turn out. Given my track record, it's going to suck for awhile. I'll dig in and she'll bail out. Hey, it happens. Part of me is good with that.

The other part of me thinks I'm a fucking idiot. I have a good life - good friends, fun hobbies, and I'm finally fit again. This part of me asks the big questions, like why am I willing to give up even a moment of this good life to pursue something that's going to end up sucking? I'm skinny enough right now, so it's not like I need a stint on The Break Up Diet. Hell, I'm already back on the AEPs and I really don't want to increase my dosage or make regular visits to my shrink. I'm good as is, better than actually.

It's just that there's something in me that needs something outside of me, even if it's only for a few minutes. And ends up ending sucky. I can't remember the last time anyone was into me or even acted like they were. As solid as I am within myself, it's still something I want on occasion. I'd be cool with being 'everything' even if it turns out that I'm really 'nothing'. I want to be wanted and I want to know if I'm still capable of wanting. Mostly because I don't know anymore.

I'm sure I'm strong enough. I'm different than ever before. I have more faith, more trust, and more belief. You'd think with all that I am, I'd be cool with being alone. And I am cool with it, just not all the time. I don't expect forever which is perfect because I don't want it. I do, however, expect sucky. I am well aware that might be my problem - we often get what we expect, thoughts becoming things and all. Part of me cares and part of me doesn't. I know I'm better alone, but that doesn't stop me from wanting a beautiful disaster now and again. Plus, I really, really want a new tattoo and a sucky break up is always a perfect excuse for new ink.

It may suck, but nothing makes you feel alive like chasing your heart down the road while it bounces away from you. And really, no matter how skinny you are, you can always use The Break Up Diet.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Biggest Fan

-
It comes for all of us. If we're lucky. Right now, I'm not sure I feel lucky, but I know in the days, weeks, months, and years to come, I will come to realize that I am. Or I was. My parents are elderly, eighty-four and ninety-two. From where I'm sitting at the moment - my mother's hospital room - it's doubtful that my mom will reach tomorrow, much less eighty-five, So here I sit. And write...while  my biggest fan lays a few feet away snoring like a freight train. Her snores mean she's still alive so rather than drowning them out with music, I listen, Intently. Because each one could be her last. It's the drugs - her pain was pretty severe - making her sleep so soundly. These same drugs, the ones that keep the pain at bay, may also hasten her death. Her decision. She's been kicking cancer's a** for the past seven years. My mom's no sissy; she can endure. But this isn't the cancer, the known quantity. This is an aneurysm, a ticking time bomb...
Read more

Ironic, Actually

-
A couple days ago, I posted my first ever vlog. It was  just me reading an old blog from December 2018 called, "Courage, Actually." I chose it specifically because it's about accepting life's challenge and fearlessly stepping outside your comfort zone. Making and posting a video of myself was a big step outside my personal comfort zone - in fact, I have long said it's something I would never do - so I felt the topic was timely and appropriate. Reception of the vlog among my Facebook friends and followers was immediately positive. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Courage for the win. I worry, though, that I have falsely painted myself as some courageous-comfort-zone-and-fear-defying crusader. In reality, that's just not me. Not these days...and I think it's time for me to come clean. It's kind of ironic, actually. And hard for me to admit. This might be the barest I have stripped myself in a long time. For the past few months, I have been mired in ...
Read more

Be That Person

-
 A friend texted me last night. Her almost twelve year old son is starting middle school today and she was more than a little stressed. I guess it's somewhat normal for parents to be nervous about such milestones in their children's lives. I mean sixth grade means a bigger school, perhaps switching classrooms, more complex homework assignments, etc, etc. I'm sure there's also some wistfulness about the whole thing. The "My baby's growing up" kinda thing. My friend's concerns last night (and again this morning) were far larger. You see, her son is different. He always has been. Not only is he on "the spectrum," he also has Tourettte's. And he's on the fringes of non-binary. Plus, he lives on the border of Texas and Arkansas in a place that is far from open-minded and falls just below marginally accepting. This is the land of conservative politics (ie Trump), gun rights, big religion, and the concomitant "family values" that i...
Read more