Wanted: One Beautiful Disaster

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Part of me is in the mood for yet another beautiful disaster. It's been a minute. I just want to feel that kind of alive even if it only lasts a moment. I know as well as anyone how it'll turn out. Given my track record, it's going to suck for awhile. I'll dig in and she'll bail out. Hey, it happens. Part of me is good with that.

The other part of me thinks I'm a fucking idiot. I have a good life - good friends, fun hobbies, and I'm finally fit again. This part of me asks the big questions, like why am I willing to give up even a moment of this good life to pursue something that's going to end up sucking? I'm skinny enough right now, so it's not like I need a stint on The Break Up Diet. Hell, I'm already back on the AEPs and I really don't want to increase my dosage or make regular visits to my shrink. I'm good as is, better than actually.

It's just that there's something in me that needs something outside of me, even if it's only for a few minutes. And ends up ending sucky. I can't remember the last time anyone was into me or even acted like they were. As solid as I am within myself, it's still something I want on occasion. I'd be cool with being 'everything' even if it turns out that I'm really 'nothing'. I want to be wanted and I want to know if I'm still capable of wanting. Mostly because I don't know anymore.

I'm sure I'm strong enough. I'm different than ever before. I have more faith, more trust, and more belief. You'd think with all that I am, I'd be cool with being alone. And I am cool with it, just not all the time. I don't expect forever which is perfect because I don't want it. I do, however, expect sucky. I am well aware that might be my problem - we often get what we expect, thoughts becoming things and all. Part of me cares and part of me doesn't. I know I'm better alone, but that doesn't stop me from wanting a beautiful disaster now and again. Plus, I really, really want a new tattoo and a sucky break up is always a perfect excuse for new ink.

It may suck, but nothing makes you feel alive like chasing your heart down the road while it bounces away from you. And really, no matter how skinny you are, you can always use The Break Up Diet.

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