Theory and Practice
'Maybe it's a sign of weakness
When I don't know what to say
Maybe I just wouldn't know
What to do with my strength anyway...'
~ from 'We Belong' by Pat Benetar
I often wonder what I'd say if she showed up at my door either literally or figuratively. I know what I need to say, what I've planned to say. All that is great in theory, but in practice? Would I be strong enough to say what I need to say? Or would I fall back on chicken shit? There's really no telling with me. For all my best intentions and propositions of strength and resolve, I'm just not sure.
Moments like that are rare in my world. They don't ask so I don't have to decide or tell. That said, I still feel the need to be prepared. Just in case. I've gone over it in my head many, many times. And each time I say the right thing. I'm strong, courageous even. Steadfast, unbroken, firm. I say what I need to say and close the door. I let go of the door handle, flip the deadbolt, walk away, and never look back. I don't peek out the window or wait to hear her car retreat down the road. Without even looking, I know she's right where I want her to be and right where she needs to stay.
It's safer to keep things as is. Me here, her there, both of us firmly on the right side of the line. I don't want her. Sitting right here, right now, I am certain of that fact. Truthfully, we're probably discussing a moot point. She doesn't want me either. At least I don't think she does. Eh... Whatever.
My ego and heart are strongest when they've been rejected. I don't get mad or get even. I simply forgive and move-on. Over the years the move-on process has gotten easier, rote even. These days I like to think that when I'm done, I'm done. To shamelessly quote Eminem, 'Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity...to seize everything you ever wanted...in one moment...would you capture it....? Or just let it slip...?' I am pleased to be strong enough to offer just one shot, one opportunity. In theory. We'll just hope it goes as well in practice.
When I don't know what to say
Maybe I just wouldn't know
What to do with my strength anyway...'
~ from 'We Belong' by Pat Benetar
I often wonder what I'd say if she showed up at my door either literally or figuratively. I know what I need to say, what I've planned to say. All that is great in theory, but in practice? Would I be strong enough to say what I need to say? Or would I fall back on chicken shit? There's really no telling with me. For all my best intentions and propositions of strength and resolve, I'm just not sure.
Moments like that are rare in my world. They don't ask so I don't have to decide or tell. That said, I still feel the need to be prepared. Just in case. I've gone over it in my head many, many times. And each time I say the right thing. I'm strong, courageous even. Steadfast, unbroken, firm. I say what I need to say and close the door. I let go of the door handle, flip the deadbolt, walk away, and never look back. I don't peek out the window or wait to hear her car retreat down the road. Without even looking, I know she's right where I want her to be and right where she needs to stay.
It's safer to keep things as is. Me here, her there, both of us firmly on the right side of the line. I don't want her. Sitting right here, right now, I am certain of that fact. Truthfully, we're probably discussing a moot point. She doesn't want me either. At least I don't think she does. Eh... Whatever.
My ego and heart are strongest when they've been rejected. I don't get mad or get even. I simply forgive and move-on. Over the years the move-on process has gotten easier, rote even. These days I like to think that when I'm done, I'm done. To shamelessly quote Eminem, 'Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity...to seize everything you ever wanted...in one moment...would you capture it....? Or just let it slip...?' I am pleased to be strong enough to offer just one shot, one opportunity. In theory. We'll just hope it goes as well in practice.
Comments
Post a Comment