Forever and a Tank Top
'Forever can never be long enough for me
To feel like I've had long enough with you...'
~ from 'Marry Me' by Train
I thought I needed forever. Turns out, I didn't. Once upon a time we talked about sixty years (I think that's what it was... It's been far too long... I'm not sure I remember); we got eight months. I'm not mad at it, though at the time I was pretty destroyed by it. I will say this - eight years provides a lot of perspective and a whole lot of Grace. That's why I can confidently say that I didn't need forever. I'm good with what I got - an incredible eight months, followed by several months of heartbreak, followed by the rest of my life.
Honestly, I hadn't thought of that day in a long, long time. And even when a friend asked me where I got the tank top I was wearing, I didn't think of all of it. I knew where I got it - the Abercrombie & Fitch outlet store at Gurnee Mills Mall in Chicago, Illinois. I kept my answer short and simply said, 'The Abercrombie & Fitch Outlet'. For some reason I skipped the extra details, like exactly where and exactly when, because I didn't want to beg any questions. I think she would have found it odd that I remembered so much. Of course it didn't occur to me until I was driving home (and listening to 'Marry Me' by Train) that I recalled a lot more about that day and the Abercrombie & Fitch outlet than I thought. It was the day I exchanged rings with 'the one' I thought I needed to get to forever with.
If I'm being completely truthful, it's where we exchanged rings. I don't know many people who exchange rings at an Abercrombie outlet and keep right on shopping, but that's what we did that day. We had just visited a little silversmith store and bought each other silver rings. In our excitement about the Abercrombie store, we forgot about the rings we'd just bought. It wasn't that our love wasn't as important as the jeans and tank tops we ended up buying. On the contrary, our love was so strong that it was all we needed. We didn't need a ceremony, fancy dresses, or expensive flowers. No, our commitment to each other was such that we could seal it at the Abercrombie & Fitch outlet with two rings that cost less than twenty dollars total. And then proceed to buy the tank top I wore today almost eight years later.
It's what it was - by far one of the best days of my life. I refuse to let what didn't come next to ruin that day or the rest of my life. I will always love her, but obviously memories fade because it took a friend asking about a tank top and a lyric from a song to remind me. I still have the two tank tops I bought that day. I doubt she has anything she bought. I haven't kept them for sentimental value; I have lots of clothes I've had for years. I've been broke for most of the last decade so I usually hold onto my clothes until they're rags (and even then I usually wear them awhile longer). These tanks are no different. They're still good for working out and today the one I chose (the green and blue striped one) was perfect for mudding walls at a friend's house.
It's funny to me that my clothes tend to inch closer to 'forever' than my relationships do. It used to bother me that I couldn't quite find anyone who understood the meaning of 'forever'. What I've learned is that 'forever', while a really cool concept, is truly unnecessary. If she and I had stayed together forever, I wouldn't be where I am. I know I talk a lot about Grace and perspective, but it's what keeps me sane (especially now that I'm off the AEPs). I can't let that one day at the Abercrombie & Fitch outlet store be the sum total of my life. I can't cry about how short forever turned out to be. I can't be upset that all I have left of her is the occasional text message and the tank tops she talked me into buying. I refuse to waste my life like that. I am happy - happy for today, happy for yesterday, and happy for tomorrow. I no longer dream of 'forever'. I'm good with 'right now'. And heck, maybe one day I will find my way to 'forever'. I'm just not going to piss away the rest of my life waiting for it.
To feel like I've had long enough with you...'
~ from 'Marry Me' by Train
I thought I needed forever. Turns out, I didn't. Once upon a time we talked about sixty years (I think that's what it was... It's been far too long... I'm not sure I remember); we got eight months. I'm not mad at it, though at the time I was pretty destroyed by it. I will say this - eight years provides a lot of perspective and a whole lot of Grace. That's why I can confidently say that I didn't need forever. I'm good with what I got - an incredible eight months, followed by several months of heartbreak, followed by the rest of my life.
Honestly, I hadn't thought of that day in a long, long time. And even when a friend asked me where I got the tank top I was wearing, I didn't think of all of it. I knew where I got it - the Abercrombie & Fitch outlet store at Gurnee Mills Mall in Chicago, Illinois. I kept my answer short and simply said, 'The Abercrombie & Fitch Outlet'. For some reason I skipped the extra details, like exactly where and exactly when, because I didn't want to beg any questions. I think she would have found it odd that I remembered so much. Of course it didn't occur to me until I was driving home (and listening to 'Marry Me' by Train) that I recalled a lot more about that day and the Abercrombie & Fitch outlet than I thought. It was the day I exchanged rings with 'the one' I thought I needed to get to forever with.
If I'm being completely truthful, it's where we exchanged rings. I don't know many people who exchange rings at an Abercrombie outlet and keep right on shopping, but that's what we did that day. We had just visited a little silversmith store and bought each other silver rings. In our excitement about the Abercrombie store, we forgot about the rings we'd just bought. It wasn't that our love wasn't as important as the jeans and tank tops we ended up buying. On the contrary, our love was so strong that it was all we needed. We didn't need a ceremony, fancy dresses, or expensive flowers. No, our commitment to each other was such that we could seal it at the Abercrombie & Fitch outlet with two rings that cost less than twenty dollars total. And then proceed to buy the tank top I wore today almost eight years later.
It's what it was - by far one of the best days of my life. I refuse to let what didn't come next to ruin that day or the rest of my life. I will always love her, but obviously memories fade because it took a friend asking about a tank top and a lyric from a song to remind me. I still have the two tank tops I bought that day. I doubt she has anything she bought. I haven't kept them for sentimental value; I have lots of clothes I've had for years. I've been broke for most of the last decade so I usually hold onto my clothes until they're rags (and even then I usually wear them awhile longer). These tanks are no different. They're still good for working out and today the one I chose (the green and blue striped one) was perfect for mudding walls at a friend's house.
It's funny to me that my clothes tend to inch closer to 'forever' than my relationships do. It used to bother me that I couldn't quite find anyone who understood the meaning of 'forever'. What I've learned is that 'forever', while a really cool concept, is truly unnecessary. If she and I had stayed together forever, I wouldn't be where I am. I know I talk a lot about Grace and perspective, but it's what keeps me sane (especially now that I'm off the AEPs). I can't let that one day at the Abercrombie & Fitch outlet store be the sum total of my life. I can't cry about how short forever turned out to be. I can't be upset that all I have left of her is the occasional text message and the tank tops she talked me into buying. I refuse to waste my life like that. I am happy - happy for today, happy for yesterday, and happy for tomorrow. I no longer dream of 'forever'. I'm good with 'right now'. And heck, maybe one day I will find my way to 'forever'. I'm just not going to piss away the rest of my life waiting for it.
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