Opacity, Secrets, and A Grander Scheme
I write about a lot. It's true. I have few secrets. Over the years, I've told all kinds of stories about myself and been fairly vocal about my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. For some reason, I'm becoming less forthcoming. For one thing, I don't write nearly as much as in the first few years after I started blogging. I'm not sure why that is. Lack of readership? Lack of words? Boredom? Laziness? Other hobbies? Or maybe I simply got tired of putting my every whim and action into words. The latter is most certainly a rationalization, yet it seems the most believable, don't you think? In any case, the moral of the story is that I have more secrets than ever. Funny, but I don't see this as a bad thing.
I've always kept a couple secrets here and there, which I think kept people reading. They wanted to know who I was talking about and figured if they kept reading they'd eventually figure it out. Unfortunately, I seldom divulge names or anything else that will give away the true identities of my 'characters'. I occasionally give them nicknames especially if I think they are going to appear time and time again. Even my best friends have remained nameless, incognito. The same has been true of my girlfriends (even though they are few and far between and rarely stay longer than a sentence fragment). In addition, I have always hesitated to tell obvious stories that would easily 'out' someone and cause embarrassment. Much in my life falls into the 'it's their story to tell category'. However, if I think I can tell it cryptically enough but with enough detail, I dive in. Very seldom does anyone guess right. I suppose that's the story teller in me.
Of course, the principle character has almost always been me and, because of this, everyone (well, my readers at the very least) assume that they know everything there is to know about me. Like I said, this has been largely true over the years. I told all and held little back. People know all about the tossed salad, the cross I bear, the ass scratch, how I came to own the 'Lesbian Sex Book', my ever-evolving 'relationship' with Jesus, my disdain for lesbian drama/relationships, my Bucket List, my near obsession with Grace, how hard it is to throw away a trash can, and why I make Hamburger Helper the way I do. Back in the day, readers could follow my thoughts, whims, activities, and ideas on a day to day or hour to hour basis - did I work, was I off, did I get drunk, what made me happy, what made me think, etc.
Recently, though, I've allowed myself to become a bit more murky, opaque if you will. What do people know about me now? I want to move home, my relationship with Jesus is still evolving, I'm back on the Anti-Everything pills. That's really not much in the grander scheme of things. Am I dating? Do I still consider myself a non-Christian? What has me thinking? Trust that I know the answers to those questions. I just haven't had the inclination to write about them and share them with the world.
Some of my lack of motivation may be due to the Anti-Everything pills. I like my level mood and near non-existent anxiety, but I never feel like doing very much. This means two things - I'm not motivated to write and I seldom do anything worth writing about (Obviously, I'm a bit out of sorts because I haven't lit up the Christians about their holiday season yet. Normally by now, I'd be all in a dither about it). Mostly, though, I just feel like keeping a few things to myself. I'm not ready to 'come out' about everything in my life because once I do, those things end up belonging to everyone. People can like it, hate it, comment, or not comment. Suffice it to say that I'm purposely being a little more private these days. What's mine is mine and I intend to keep it that way until I don't want to anymore.
There are those who know and wonder why I don't just bust out with it. To them, it's no big deal. Am I embarrassed? Unsure? Hardly. I am as steadfast as I have ever been about anything in my life. Just because I don't write about it or shout it from the rooftops doesn't mean I don't care or don't have an opinion. It might seem out of character for me to be so quiet, but it's my life and my choice. I know it's hard to believe, but there is more to the world than social networking and blogging sites. I'm sure I'll get back at it one of these days and start sharing everything again. For now, though, I'm good with my bubble. And my secrets.
I've always kept a couple secrets here and there, which I think kept people reading. They wanted to know who I was talking about and figured if they kept reading they'd eventually figure it out. Unfortunately, I seldom divulge names or anything else that will give away the true identities of my 'characters'. I occasionally give them nicknames especially if I think they are going to appear time and time again. Even my best friends have remained nameless, incognito. The same has been true of my girlfriends (even though they are few and far between and rarely stay longer than a sentence fragment). In addition, I have always hesitated to tell obvious stories that would easily 'out' someone and cause embarrassment. Much in my life falls into the 'it's their story to tell category'. However, if I think I can tell it cryptically enough but with enough detail, I dive in. Very seldom does anyone guess right. I suppose that's the story teller in me.
Of course, the principle character has almost always been me and, because of this, everyone (well, my readers at the very least) assume that they know everything there is to know about me. Like I said, this has been largely true over the years. I told all and held little back. People know all about the tossed salad, the cross I bear, the ass scratch, how I came to own the 'Lesbian Sex Book', my ever-evolving 'relationship' with Jesus, my disdain for lesbian drama/relationships, my Bucket List, my near obsession with Grace, how hard it is to throw away a trash can, and why I make Hamburger Helper the way I do. Back in the day, readers could follow my thoughts, whims, activities, and ideas on a day to day or hour to hour basis - did I work, was I off, did I get drunk, what made me happy, what made me think, etc.
Recently, though, I've allowed myself to become a bit more murky, opaque if you will. What do people know about me now? I want to move home, my relationship with Jesus is still evolving, I'm back on the Anti-Everything pills. That's really not much in the grander scheme of things. Am I dating? Do I still consider myself a non-Christian? What has me thinking? Trust that I know the answers to those questions. I just haven't had the inclination to write about them and share them with the world.
Some of my lack of motivation may be due to the Anti-Everything pills. I like my level mood and near non-existent anxiety, but I never feel like doing very much. This means two things - I'm not motivated to write and I seldom do anything worth writing about (Obviously, I'm a bit out of sorts because I haven't lit up the Christians about their holiday season yet. Normally by now, I'd be all in a dither about it). Mostly, though, I just feel like keeping a few things to myself. I'm not ready to 'come out' about everything in my life because once I do, those things end up belonging to everyone. People can like it, hate it, comment, or not comment. Suffice it to say that I'm purposely being a little more private these days. What's mine is mine and I intend to keep it that way until I don't want to anymore.
There are those who know and wonder why I don't just bust out with it. To them, it's no big deal. Am I embarrassed? Unsure? Hardly. I am as steadfast as I have ever been about anything in my life. Just because I don't write about it or shout it from the rooftops doesn't mean I don't care or don't have an opinion. It might seem out of character for me to be so quiet, but it's my life and my choice. I know it's hard to believe, but there is more to the world than social networking and blogging sites. I'm sure I'll get back at it one of these days and start sharing everything again. For now, though, I'm good with my bubble. And my secrets.
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