But Not Too Much
My mind is elsewhere...which is to say that it's nowhere. Lately I've chosen a lack of focus. Focus means thought and that can lead almost anywhere. Some of those places may be good, but others... Others may not be as good. I'd have worries if I let myself... about money (road trip bills are piling up), home (wherever that is), work (though less now than in a long, long time), health (physical and otherwise), and my apparent psychosocial hibernation. I could go on, but I sincerely don't want to think about any of it, even in the quick passing of a fragment sentence. I let myself think about God (but not too much), Jesus (but not too much), early Christianity (but not too much), sports (but not too much), my girlfriend (but not too much), my friends (but not too much), my family (but not too much), and my writing (but not too much). I always stop short of concerted effort and focus. It just seems better this way.
I have to say (and I promise I'll stop harping on them soon...probably when I stop taking them again) that the Anti-Everything pills come in handy in this regard. They prevent anxiety and thus worry and thus thought. Without thought, there can't be worry and if there's no worry, there can't be anxiety. It's beautiful, really. I'm not worried about anxiety at all these days; I'm just not keen on too much thought. Not because it leads to anxiety. Because it leads to more thought and I'm more or less tired of it. And tired because of it, I suppose.
So, yeah... I'm holding back a lot of thought. This is different than the traditional 'Me' who was very often accused of thinking and analyzing too much. I think I once even said that you can never analyze too much. I'm not saying I was wrong; I'm just saying I'm bored and, truthfully, where did all that thought and analysis get me anyway? Back on the Anti-Everything pills. Yes. It surely would seem so.
I don't know if it's the pills or my disinterest in focus or the quirks of the recent planetary alignment or the change in weather or my new job, but I'm definitely in a psychosocial hibernation phase. I frankly don't care to do anything, especially if it involves people other than myself. I had an idea this would happen when I changed jobs last month. I went from a moderately social position in Receiving to a high powered socially taxing sales floor position. And while I absolutely love my new job, it's taking it's toll. I can only deal with people and interaction for so long before I run. At the end of an eight hour day, I am more than ready to bury myself in solitary confinement, which is exactly what I do. I go home, turn my brain off, and interact as little as possible. Let me just say not having friends has been a wonderful thing. I don't have to politely decline or come up with bullshit excuses to explain the part of me no one ever seems to understand.
All that said, I'm about done thinking about this. It's time to switch topics if nothing else. I've thought about not thinking long enough. Remember I can think about certain things, but not too much. Never too much. I'm tired and bored and would really rather not be writing right now. Hell, who am I kidding? I'd rather not be thinking right now.
I have to say (and I promise I'll stop harping on them soon...probably when I stop taking them again) that the Anti-Everything pills come in handy in this regard. They prevent anxiety and thus worry and thus thought. Without thought, there can't be worry and if there's no worry, there can't be anxiety. It's beautiful, really. I'm not worried about anxiety at all these days; I'm just not keen on too much thought. Not because it leads to anxiety. Because it leads to more thought and I'm more or less tired of it. And tired because of it, I suppose.
So, yeah... I'm holding back a lot of thought. This is different than the traditional 'Me' who was very often accused of thinking and analyzing too much. I think I once even said that you can never analyze too much. I'm not saying I was wrong; I'm just saying I'm bored and, truthfully, where did all that thought and analysis get me anyway? Back on the Anti-Everything pills. Yes. It surely would seem so.
I don't know if it's the pills or my disinterest in focus or the quirks of the recent planetary alignment or the change in weather or my new job, but I'm definitely in a psychosocial hibernation phase. I frankly don't care to do anything, especially if it involves people other than myself. I had an idea this would happen when I changed jobs last month. I went from a moderately social position in Receiving to a high powered socially taxing sales floor position. And while I absolutely love my new job, it's taking it's toll. I can only deal with people and interaction for so long before I run. At the end of an eight hour day, I am more than ready to bury myself in solitary confinement, which is exactly what I do. I go home, turn my brain off, and interact as little as possible. Let me just say not having friends has been a wonderful thing. I don't have to politely decline or come up with bullshit excuses to explain the part of me no one ever seems to understand.
All that said, I'm about done thinking about this. It's time to switch topics if nothing else. I've thought about not thinking long enough. Remember I can think about certain things, but not too much. Never too much. I'm tired and bored and would really rather not be writing right now. Hell, who am I kidding? I'd rather not be thinking right now.
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