Hold On

-
'Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell...'


Part of me wishes that it hurt like Hell. I want that. I want that Love. Love with a capital L. I want someone I want with everything I have, every last bit of faith and hope and that last sliver of destiny, too. I want to love so hard that I know I may eventually be destroyed. I want that courage. I want to face that fear and hold on. I want her. The One. Not one of The Ones. Just her. Whoever she may be. Because I really don't know. I don't even have an idea. An inkling? Maybe. I'd be more likely to say it's nothing more than a wish. An item on my Bucket List maybe.

'What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn’t easier than the real thing...'

It wasn't anything close to the real thing. I pretended, I did. I'm good at that. Pretending. I said that I was practicing. For when the real one came along. As if she will ever come. I have to leave this one behind. It's easier than the real thing. I'm sure it is. I'm certainly drunk like it's the real thing. Tomorrow I will be better. I'm sure I will be. Only time will tell assuredly. This pain will subside and time will bring her to me. Whoever she may be.

'So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
See another day and we will praise it...'

She may know what's coming. Or she may not. I hope that she is sleeping now. I wonder if my decision will bring her a sleepless night or two or more. If so, this may be the last night that she sleeps for awhile. I think part of her knows - knows I won't put up with this; knows she needs to make better choices; knows she was never one of the Ones. I want her to sleep tonight for I fear she won't after we talk tomorrow. Why tomorrow instead of tonight? That one is on her.

I fear that she thinks she needs me. It's unfortunate because I don't need her nearly as much. Ok, truthfully I don't need her at all. I can walk away and be fine. I worry about her, though. Will she be strong enough to watch me walk? Will she find a way to be better without me? If I had to say, I'd say no and that makes me sadder than you know.

'Am I in heaven here or am in Hell...
At the crossroads I am standing...'

I am forever at the crossroads. I can't stay because she might need me, because she might not be strong enough without me. This has to be about me, as much as I hate things being about me. I want it to hurt like Hell and it just doesn't. She didn't have me that way and I want it that way. Give me the pain and the Break Up Diet. Give me a week of drunkenness and a month at the gym to prove that fitness is absolutely the best revenge. Sadly, I don't care enough, never did. Not about her. And that makes me sad.

'Hold on
Hold onto yourself
For this is gonna hurt like Hell.'
 
Tomorrow it just might and I'm sorry for that, Baby. I can't help this any more than she can and I know at this point she can't help it. It's what's in her and what's in me. I hope for more. For me and for her. That she will find The One and so will I. Wherever she is. And truly, one day it will hurt like Hell.
 
 
All lyrics from 'Hold On' by Sarah McLachlan

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Biggest Fan

-
It comes for all of us. If we're lucky. Right now, I'm not sure I feel lucky, but I know in the days, weeks, months, and years to come, I will come to realize that I am. Or I was. My parents are elderly, eighty-four and ninety-two. From where I'm sitting at the moment - my mother's hospital room - it's doubtful that my mom will reach tomorrow, much less eighty-five, So here I sit. And write...while  my biggest fan lays a few feet away snoring like a freight train. Her snores mean she's still alive so rather than drowning them out with music, I listen, Intently. Because each one could be her last. It's the drugs - her pain was pretty severe - making her sleep so soundly. These same drugs, the ones that keep the pain at bay, may also hasten her death. Her decision. She's been kicking cancer's a** for the past seven years. My mom's no sissy; she can endure. But this isn't the cancer, the known quantity. This is an aneurysm, a ticking time bomb
Read more

Be That Person

-
 A friend texted me last night. Her almost twelve year old son is starting middle school today and she was more than a little stressed. I guess it's somewhat normal for parents to be nervous about such milestones in their children's lives. I mean sixth grade means a bigger school, perhaps switching classrooms, more complex homework assignments, etc, etc. I'm sure there's also some wistfulness about the whole thing. The "My baby's growing up" kinda thing. My friend's concerns last night (and again this morning) were far larger. You see, her son is different. He always has been. Not only is he on "the spectrum," he also has Tourettte's. And he's on the fringes of non-binary. Plus, he lives on the border of Texas and Arkansas in a place that is far from open-minded and falls just below marginally accepting. This is the land of conservative politics (ie Trump), gun rights, big religion, and the concomitant "family values" that i
Read more

A Little Unsteady

-
"Hold onto me...cuz I'm a little unsteady..." It's the first song that popped up on Pandora tonight. Kismet? Serendipity? I don't know. I had another opening line all picked out (and I'm sure I'll get to it in a bit), but sometimes...sometimes the Universe has other plans. Other ideas. Other directions. And often it's right. Absolutely, perfect right. Like tonight...today...all of it... I was unsteady. I am unsteady. For the first time nearly five years. Five years . This, of course, isn't a lying, narcissistic girlfriend or a bad break up of any kind. And for that I am thankful (Not that I couldn't use a nifty stint on the Break Up Diet). In many ways, it's something worse. Much, much worse. I'm being pulled in two directions, veritably (though not literally...physically speaking anyway) torn in two. It's not news that I'm moving to Las Vegas next month. In fact, I leave one month from today with the first load of my life.
Read more