Hold On

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'Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell...'


Part of me wishes that it hurt like Hell. I want that. I want that Love. Love with a capital L. I want someone I want with everything I have, every last bit of faith and hope and that last sliver of destiny, too. I want to love so hard that I know I may eventually be destroyed. I want that courage. I want to face that fear and hold on. I want her. The One. Not one of The Ones. Just her. Whoever she may be. Because I really don't know. I don't even have an idea. An inkling? Maybe. I'd be more likely to say it's nothing more than a wish. An item on my Bucket List maybe.

'What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn’t easier than the real thing...'

It wasn't anything close to the real thing. I pretended, I did. I'm good at that. Pretending. I said that I was practicing. For when the real one came along. As if she will ever come. I have to leave this one behind. It's easier than the real thing. I'm sure it is. I'm certainly drunk like it's the real thing. Tomorrow I will be better. I'm sure I will be. Only time will tell assuredly. This pain will subside and time will bring her to me. Whoever she may be.

'So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
See another day and we will praise it...'

She may know what's coming. Or she may not. I hope that she is sleeping now. I wonder if my decision will bring her a sleepless night or two or more. If so, this may be the last night that she sleeps for awhile. I think part of her knows - knows I won't put up with this; knows she needs to make better choices; knows she was never one of the Ones. I want her to sleep tonight for I fear she won't after we talk tomorrow. Why tomorrow instead of tonight? That one is on her.

I fear that she thinks she needs me. It's unfortunate because I don't need her nearly as much. Ok, truthfully I don't need her at all. I can walk away and be fine. I worry about her, though. Will she be strong enough to watch me walk? Will she find a way to be better without me? If I had to say, I'd say no and that makes me sadder than you know.

'Am I in heaven here or am in Hell...
At the crossroads I am standing...'

I am forever at the crossroads. I can't stay because she might need me, because she might not be strong enough without me. This has to be about me, as much as I hate things being about me. I want it to hurt like Hell and it just doesn't. She didn't have me that way and I want it that way. Give me the pain and the Break Up Diet. Give me a week of drunkenness and a month at the gym to prove that fitness is absolutely the best revenge. Sadly, I don't care enough, never did. Not about her. And that makes me sad.

'Hold on
Hold onto yourself
For this is gonna hurt like Hell.'
 
Tomorrow it just might and I'm sorry for that, Baby. I can't help this any more than she can and I know at this point she can't help it. It's what's in her and what's in me. I hope for more. For me and for her. That she will find The One and so will I. Wherever she is. And truly, one day it will hurt like Hell.
 
 
All lyrics from 'Hold On' by Sarah McLachlan

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