Off the Bucket List
First Armando. And now my step-brother. Both were killed 'instantly' while riding their motorcycles. This brings up a lot of questions for me, such as the true nature of 'instantly' and whether I need to scratch 'Get a Motorcycle' off my Bucket List. I mean I'm cool with death on a metaphysical level - I know what I know - but on a human level? I know what I know there, too. Dead is dead. Gone. Forever and ever, Amen. Sure, the dead person has moved on to 'What's Next' and their next spiritual adventure, but what about everyone left behind? They have to find a way to live on inspite of their loss. I can't say I'm cool with that. People say 'God as a plan' or 'it was their time' and, while that may be true, it's nothing more than placating garbage. Ultimately, my friend is dead and my step-brother is dead. I don't want to also be dead.
Not that I have a 'life-wish'. I figure I'm here until I'm not. That could be today or tomorrow or fifty years from now. And truly, I don't think we speed up that process by living dangerously. I know we hear all the time about people who die doing wild and crazy things, like cliff diving or running with the bulls, however we also hear about an equal number of people who die in their sleep or of 'natural causes'. I believe whole-heartedly that when it's our time to go, it's our time to go, whether we are sky diving or doing needlepoint when that moment arrives. One way or the other, we are going to crump. The size of the splatter is up to us.
All that said, I have a major issue with the term 'instantly'. Supposedly both Armando and Guy died 'instantly'. I wonder how that instant felt to them? Could they feel it? Did they know? What it painful? This is the sticking point for me. I'm cool with dying, but I really don't want it to hurt. I don't want to be stabbed or go splat or feel anything at all. One moment I want to be alive and the next I want to be dead. Kind of like falling asleep after taking one too many sleeping pills. One moment you're awake and the next you're asleep. There is no knowledge of going from one state to the other. You just do. It's seamless. That's how I would like my death to be - seamless. Unfortunately, I can't say that dying in a motorcycle accident would be 'seemless', no matter how instantaneous they say it was afterward. There had to be a flash, an instant, of expectant horror and unbelievable pain. Even if it lasted less than a nano-second, that's way to long for me.
So, I'm just not sure about the motorcycle any more. I don't know how I could explain my death to my mother (of course I wouldn't get to, but you see my point). Motorcycles are apparently dangerous and doing dangerous things seems to lead to early death. As I said before, I don't believe this, but I assure you my mother would. Especially if you chatted with her at my funeral or shortly thereafter. Why would you purposely put yourself in harm's way? Why, Stacee, why? I don't know. Because it always looks like such fun and has a huge 'cool' quotient attached to it? Plus 50 miles to the gallon and an ability to park anywhere? I can tell you right now what my mother would say - 'Buy a Prius. Your sister has one. And she gets even better gas mileage'. But does she look as cool, Mom? Cooler than you dead, Stacee. See? I'm not going to win that argument. And even though I'll be dead, I can't leave my mother to ponder the what-ifs.
Dammit, Armando and Guy. You just sucked the fun out of my Bucket List. 'Get a Motorcycle' is officially nixed. Partially because of the risk of an unseamless, though potentially 'instant', death (and hell, what if I wrecked and didn't die?) and partially because of my mom. I'd never be able to live it down if I died living dangerously. I'm ready to go (quietly), but I think Mom would prefer it if I didn't tempt fate. I guess I'll just have to marry Ashley Judd, live on the beach in Mexico, and have my own church. Without the motorcycle. Ugh, so un-cool. But yes, Mom, I'll be alive to enjoy it all.
Not that I have a 'life-wish'. I figure I'm here until I'm not. That could be today or tomorrow or fifty years from now. And truly, I don't think we speed up that process by living dangerously. I know we hear all the time about people who die doing wild and crazy things, like cliff diving or running with the bulls, however we also hear about an equal number of people who die in their sleep or of 'natural causes'. I believe whole-heartedly that when it's our time to go, it's our time to go, whether we are sky diving or doing needlepoint when that moment arrives. One way or the other, we are going to crump. The size of the splatter is up to us.
All that said, I have a major issue with the term 'instantly'. Supposedly both Armando and Guy died 'instantly'. I wonder how that instant felt to them? Could they feel it? Did they know? What it painful? This is the sticking point for me. I'm cool with dying, but I really don't want it to hurt. I don't want to be stabbed or go splat or feel anything at all. One moment I want to be alive and the next I want to be dead. Kind of like falling asleep after taking one too many sleeping pills. One moment you're awake and the next you're asleep. There is no knowledge of going from one state to the other. You just do. It's seamless. That's how I would like my death to be - seamless. Unfortunately, I can't say that dying in a motorcycle accident would be 'seemless', no matter how instantaneous they say it was afterward. There had to be a flash, an instant, of expectant horror and unbelievable pain. Even if it lasted less than a nano-second, that's way to long for me.
So, I'm just not sure about the motorcycle any more. I don't know how I could explain my death to my mother (of course I wouldn't get to, but you see my point). Motorcycles are apparently dangerous and doing dangerous things seems to lead to early death. As I said before, I don't believe this, but I assure you my mother would. Especially if you chatted with her at my funeral or shortly thereafter. Why would you purposely put yourself in harm's way? Why, Stacee, why? I don't know. Because it always looks like such fun and has a huge 'cool' quotient attached to it? Plus 50 miles to the gallon and an ability to park anywhere? I can tell you right now what my mother would say - 'Buy a Prius. Your sister has one. And she gets even better gas mileage'. But does she look as cool, Mom? Cooler than you dead, Stacee. See? I'm not going to win that argument. And even though I'll be dead, I can't leave my mother to ponder the what-ifs.
Dammit, Armando and Guy. You just sucked the fun out of my Bucket List. 'Get a Motorcycle' is officially nixed. Partially because of the risk of an unseamless, though potentially 'instant', death (and hell, what if I wrecked and didn't die?) and partially because of my mom. I'd never be able to live it down if I died living dangerously. I'm ready to go (quietly), but I think Mom would prefer it if I didn't tempt fate. I guess I'll just have to marry Ashley Judd, live on the beach in Mexico, and have my own church. Without the motorcycle. Ugh, so un-cool. But yes, Mom, I'll be alive to enjoy it all.
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