Lying Liar Pants
I've never been a dishonest person. Not that I've never told a lie. Because I have. My mom caught me a bunch when I was a kid. "Look me in the eye and tell me that." Yikes. I learned not to lie. In the intervening years, I've told my share of little white fibs. About haircuts and maybe about the occasional migraine I didn't have. I've more or less refrained from anything grander. Because of my mother, I'm always pretty sure I'll get caught and have to look someone in the eye. FYI, I suck at looking people in the eye.
This is pretty much why I live my life the way I do. Sadly, not everyone was raised by my mom and her ruthless pursuit of the truth. People lie. Some of those lies are good. And some are bad. Really, really bad. If only these folks had had my mom. They'd have learned their lesson long before adulthood. Lie and I assure you, you're going to get caught. Getting caught sucks, by the way. Getting caught means twenty questions and you trying to prove your innocence. Word to the wise, the only way to truly prove your innocence is to truly be innocent. "If you love me, you'll believe me" is not a proper defense. Fuck that. "Guilty until proven innocent" ran rampant in my house growing up. Wanna know why? My mom knew the answer before she asked the question. She'd have made a damn find police detective. And much of that has rubbed off on me.
I know I annoy people with my divining rod for lies. I have only one piece of advice. Tell the damn truth. Tell it. Or I'm going to ask at least twenty questions, maybe more. And when your answers to those questions don't add up, you might as well sign yourself up for twenty more. It's not that I want to be an asshole. I learned at a young age to be accountable for my lies. My expectation is that the adults in my life will be accountable for theirs. At the very least, if you nail me in a lie, I'm going to come clean. Every time. Every God damn time. Why? Because I know the minute I give that lie wings, it's eventually going to come back on me. Character owns up to lies. Character owns. Period.
I am well aware that some out there believe that there are good lies and bad lies. I am here to tell you that all lies are bad lies. Unless they are good lies. What makes a lie "good"? Just because you asked, I'll tell you. A good lie is plausible AND doesn't leave a "paper trail". By paper trail, I don't mean actual paper. What I really mean is fact checking. Can I pull a report, a phone record, video footage? Can I prove it did or didn't happen? Good lies are plausible, meaning believable, and can't be checked out. I assure you that very, very, very few lies are "good lies".
Let's review a few of the lies I've heard and/or heard about recently. We'll place them on the plausibility scale and determine how easy it would be check the facts and debunk the lie. Each scale will be 1-10, with one being the worst possible and 10 being the best.
1. Hotel in Austin. Keep in mind that this was an ordinary Tuesday in April. Plausibility - 2. Checkabilty - 10. Worst. Lie. Ever. Low plausibility and a high ability to check? Yeah, stupid. Come up with something better next time. It's Austin, Texas for God's sake and it's mid week. It's not ACL, SX, or Formula One Weekend. And no, the there weren't any major conventions in town. How did I find that out? Google. My next stop was Hotels.come and Hilton.com. Four hotels in all of Austin were booked. Bullshit score - 100%
2. The mall in eight minutes. Again we're in Austin. One of the cities in America that boasts traffic issues 24-7-365. Especially between 6:30 and 7:00pm on a Monday evening. On 2222 and 360. Plausibility - 1. Checkability - 10. The mall in question is 16 miles away. 16 miles in 8 minutes? I'd be skeptical if we were talking about BFE, Indiana. Unless you are Wonder Woman and flew the Invisible Jet like you stole it, you didn't make it to the mall in eight minutes. Bullshit score - 100%.
3. The lunch receipt. Applause. This one here is good lie. The receipt in question was clearly for two people. One was your wife, the other was? Yeah, you have to take her word for it. Plausibility - 8 (maybe higher). Checkability - 1. Unless you're going to try to get a subpoena for video footage or interview servers, you kinda have to go with this one. Bullshit score - 5%.
4. Linkedin. When I was asked if I had a Linkedin account, I knew the question was loaded. And I knew that the Checkability was high. My answer? Yes. Can't deny what I actually have. My added comment? "But I never use it"? That actually bears out. I have an account, but I haven't linked with a single person nor have I added a picture or developed my profile beyond the cursory. Was this a lie? No. I have a Linkedin. Check it out. Do I use it? Check it out. Clearly, I do not. Plausibility - 10. Checkability - 10. Bullshit score - 0%.
As we can see, there are good lies and bad lies. Bad liars tell bad lies for a couple reasons, in my opinion - (a) They are under the false impression that they are actually good liars, (b) No one has ever questioned their lies so they've become sloppy, or (c) Deep down inside they want to get caught. On the other hand, good liars tell good lies for a couple reasons, (a) They know about plausibility, (b) They know about checkability, and (c) They have been caught and have learned how to create plausibile deniability.
Recent events have made me a more honest person. Did I get caught lying? Far from it. I caught a sloppy liar telling sloppy lies. And it hurt. What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that lies hurt. It may seem like the truth will hurt more. Cowards think that way. Tell one lie. It will lead to another and another and another. Ultimately, you will be faced with a web of deceit so tangled that no GPS on Earth will help you find you way home.
It takes courage to tell the truth. Tell one truth and another will follow and another and another. . Home will be right in front of you. People will admire your courage rather than question your ethic and character.
I'm not here to say that the truth is always easy. I will say, though, that the truth is easier than a lie. Lies create toxicity. Lies create trust issues. The truth does none of that. So, before you decide to tell a lie, think. Think about the plausibility and checkability. I'm not saying good lies are good, but at least you can get away with it.
My best advice is to tell the truth always. It's how I am planning to live my life going forward. Want to know if those jeans make your butt look big? I will not placate you with an easy answer. You're going to get the truth. Period. And I won't apologize. I will never apologize for telling the truth. Ever.
This is pretty much why I live my life the way I do. Sadly, not everyone was raised by my mom and her ruthless pursuit of the truth. People lie. Some of those lies are good. And some are bad. Really, really bad. If only these folks had had my mom. They'd have learned their lesson long before adulthood. Lie and I assure you, you're going to get caught. Getting caught sucks, by the way. Getting caught means twenty questions and you trying to prove your innocence. Word to the wise, the only way to truly prove your innocence is to truly be innocent. "If you love me, you'll believe me" is not a proper defense. Fuck that. "Guilty until proven innocent" ran rampant in my house growing up. Wanna know why? My mom knew the answer before she asked the question. She'd have made a damn find police detective. And much of that has rubbed off on me.
I know I annoy people with my divining rod for lies. I have only one piece of advice. Tell the damn truth. Tell it. Or I'm going to ask at least twenty questions, maybe more. And when your answers to those questions don't add up, you might as well sign yourself up for twenty more. It's not that I want to be an asshole. I learned at a young age to be accountable for my lies. My expectation is that the adults in my life will be accountable for theirs. At the very least, if you nail me in a lie, I'm going to come clean. Every time. Every God damn time. Why? Because I know the minute I give that lie wings, it's eventually going to come back on me. Character owns up to lies. Character owns. Period.
I am well aware that some out there believe that there are good lies and bad lies. I am here to tell you that all lies are bad lies. Unless they are good lies. What makes a lie "good"? Just because you asked, I'll tell you. A good lie is plausible AND doesn't leave a "paper trail". By paper trail, I don't mean actual paper. What I really mean is fact checking. Can I pull a report, a phone record, video footage? Can I prove it did or didn't happen? Good lies are plausible, meaning believable, and can't be checked out. I assure you that very, very, very few lies are "good lies".
Let's review a few of the lies I've heard and/or heard about recently. We'll place them on the plausibility scale and determine how easy it would be check the facts and debunk the lie. Each scale will be 1-10, with one being the worst possible and 10 being the best.
- "There were no hotels in Austin with rooms available so I had to stay in Lakeway."
- "I went to the grocery store, dropped my groceries off at home, and make it the 16 miles to the mall through rush hour traffic in eight minutes."
- "The receipt from Ironwood Grill? I took a co-worker to lunch."
- "I have a Linkedin, but I don't use it."
1. Hotel in Austin. Keep in mind that this was an ordinary Tuesday in April. Plausibility - 2. Checkabilty - 10. Worst. Lie. Ever. Low plausibility and a high ability to check? Yeah, stupid. Come up with something better next time. It's Austin, Texas for God's sake and it's mid week. It's not ACL, SX, or Formula One Weekend. And no, the there weren't any major conventions in town. How did I find that out? Google. My next stop was Hotels.come and Hilton.com. Four hotels in all of Austin were booked. Bullshit score - 100%
2. The mall in eight minutes. Again we're in Austin. One of the cities in America that boasts traffic issues 24-7-365. Especially between 6:30 and 7:00pm on a Monday evening. On 2222 and 360. Plausibility - 1. Checkability - 10. The mall in question is 16 miles away. 16 miles in 8 minutes? I'd be skeptical if we were talking about BFE, Indiana. Unless you are Wonder Woman and flew the Invisible Jet like you stole it, you didn't make it to the mall in eight minutes. Bullshit score - 100%.
3. The lunch receipt. Applause. This one here is good lie. The receipt in question was clearly for two people. One was your wife, the other was? Yeah, you have to take her word for it. Plausibility - 8 (maybe higher). Checkability - 1. Unless you're going to try to get a subpoena for video footage or interview servers, you kinda have to go with this one. Bullshit score - 5%.
4. Linkedin. When I was asked if I had a Linkedin account, I knew the question was loaded. And I knew that the Checkability was high. My answer? Yes. Can't deny what I actually have. My added comment? "But I never use it"? That actually bears out. I have an account, but I haven't linked with a single person nor have I added a picture or developed my profile beyond the cursory. Was this a lie? No. I have a Linkedin. Check it out. Do I use it? Check it out. Clearly, I do not. Plausibility - 10. Checkability - 10. Bullshit score - 0%.
As we can see, there are good lies and bad lies. Bad liars tell bad lies for a couple reasons, in my opinion - (a) They are under the false impression that they are actually good liars, (b) No one has ever questioned their lies so they've become sloppy, or (c) Deep down inside they want to get caught. On the other hand, good liars tell good lies for a couple reasons, (a) They know about plausibility, (b) They know about checkability, and (c) They have been caught and have learned how to create plausibile deniability.
Recent events have made me a more honest person. Did I get caught lying? Far from it. I caught a sloppy liar telling sloppy lies. And it hurt. What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that lies hurt. It may seem like the truth will hurt more. Cowards think that way. Tell one lie. It will lead to another and another and another. Ultimately, you will be faced with a web of deceit so tangled that no GPS on Earth will help you find you way home.
It takes courage to tell the truth. Tell one truth and another will follow and another and another. . Home will be right in front of you. People will admire your courage rather than question your ethic and character.
I'm not here to say that the truth is always easy. I will say, though, that the truth is easier than a lie. Lies create toxicity. Lies create trust issues. The truth does none of that. So, before you decide to tell a lie, think. Think about the plausibility and checkability. I'm not saying good lies are good, but at least you can get away with it.
My best advice is to tell the truth always. It's how I am planning to live my life going forward. Want to know if those jeans make your butt look big? I will not placate you with an easy answer. You're going to get the truth. Period. And I won't apologize. I will never apologize for telling the truth. Ever.
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