The Year That Wasn't
Sunday is November 1st. Fuck. I'm not going to beat around it with this one. I suck. There was so much I was supposed to do this year and as of right now, I haven't done hardly anything. I don't know how I always seem to get side tracked. Life takes over, I guess. It's the same thing every year. You'd think I would have learned by now. Focus is key. Yet I have none. I'm almost forty-one (Holy Shit! In two months I have to start saying I'm forty-one. Mother-effer. Where did the year go?) and I need to get busy. I can't afford many more years like this one if I'm ever going to accomplish anything.
I'm a great planner. Fabulous. And an atrocious executor. I have all these grand ideas of what I'm going to do (key phrase - "going"). I'm going to get published. I'm going to finish my novel. I'm going to go back to grad school. I'm going to teach creative writing. I'm going to work on my serve. I'm going to get a USTA ranking. I'm going to start running again. I'm going to workout more. I'm going to eat better. I'm going to spend less money. See the theme? Now ask me how much of this I've started on? Well, I did acquire a basket of tennis balls from a friend. No, I haven't used them to practice my serve yet. I looked at grad school applications and bought a book to help me with the GRE. Have I applied yet? No. I decided I'm still in too much debt to make a drastic career change back to full-time student. Lots of great plan. Absolutely no forward movement. In truth, I can talk myself out of anything that requires energy, effort, or focus. Yes, I suck and I'm doomed to continue sucking unless something changes. In addition to my sucking, I'm going to be a failure, a big sucking failure to be exact.
What have I accomplished this year? Um... I acquired a wee bit of credit card debt even though I swore I'd never do it again. I quit drinking only to start again then quit again then start again. I put a new dent in the Xterra. I went to Alabama (and Mississippi) for the first time in my life. I played my first competitive tennis match in almost a decade. I started a new job that I'm not sure I like very well.
Oh, oh yeah... That reminds me. I finally moved away from Texarkana, a great decision and a monumentally horrible decision all at the same time. I'd been talking about doing it for six years and I finally did it. I didn't plan and I didn't think. I just did it. One day I was happy in Texarkana and the next I was moving to Austin. Financially it's been sucky (anyone need a house in Wake Village, Texas?) and personally it's been the biggest challenge of my adulthood. Leaving everything you know and love behind for the near complete unknown? It's not too bright and I will never, ever, ever ever do it again as long as I live (please remind me the next time I threaten to do it). Don't get me wrong, everything has worked out amazingly well. Even though I still have horrible bouts of homesickness, I think I'm going to make it here.
I guess I managed to do something this year. It just doesn't feel like much. And that's probably about all I'm going to accomplish. I'm still pretty tired from the big move and I lack all kinds of motivation. Getting up every morning is tough enough. Don't expect me to suddenly publish a poem or take the GRE. I'm not even sure I have it in me to wash my truck or finish the book I just started the other day. You can call it lazy, if you want. I call it done for the year. I moved to Austin. That's plenty. The End.
I'm a great planner. Fabulous. And an atrocious executor. I have all these grand ideas of what I'm going to do (key phrase - "going"). I'm going to get published. I'm going to finish my novel. I'm going to go back to grad school. I'm going to teach creative writing. I'm going to work on my serve. I'm going to get a USTA ranking. I'm going to start running again. I'm going to workout more. I'm going to eat better. I'm going to spend less money. See the theme? Now ask me how much of this I've started on? Well, I did acquire a basket of tennis balls from a friend. No, I haven't used them to practice my serve yet. I looked at grad school applications and bought a book to help me with the GRE. Have I applied yet? No. I decided I'm still in too much debt to make a drastic career change back to full-time student. Lots of great plan. Absolutely no forward movement. In truth, I can talk myself out of anything that requires energy, effort, or focus. Yes, I suck and I'm doomed to continue sucking unless something changes. In addition to my sucking, I'm going to be a failure, a big sucking failure to be exact.
What have I accomplished this year? Um... I acquired a wee bit of credit card debt even though I swore I'd never do it again. I quit drinking only to start again then quit again then start again. I put a new dent in the Xterra. I went to Alabama (and Mississippi) for the first time in my life. I played my first competitive tennis match in almost a decade. I started a new job that I'm not sure I like very well.
Oh, oh yeah... That reminds me. I finally moved away from Texarkana, a great decision and a monumentally horrible decision all at the same time. I'd been talking about doing it for six years and I finally did it. I didn't plan and I didn't think. I just did it. One day I was happy in Texarkana and the next I was moving to Austin. Financially it's been sucky (anyone need a house in Wake Village, Texas?) and personally it's been the biggest challenge of my adulthood. Leaving everything you know and love behind for the near complete unknown? It's not too bright and I will never, ever, ever ever do it again as long as I live (please remind me the next time I threaten to do it). Don't get me wrong, everything has worked out amazingly well. Even though I still have horrible bouts of homesickness, I think I'm going to make it here.
I guess I managed to do something this year. It just doesn't feel like much. And that's probably about all I'm going to accomplish. I'm still pretty tired from the big move and I lack all kinds of motivation. Getting up every morning is tough enough. Don't expect me to suddenly publish a poem or take the GRE. I'm not even sure I have it in me to wash my truck or finish the book I just started the other day. You can call it lazy, if you want. I call it done for the year. I moved to Austin. That's plenty. The End.
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