The Tranparency Bandwagon
I've been hearing the word a lot and saying the word a lot. Transparent. It has many definitions. The one most people think of is probably - "So sheer as to admit the passage of light". That's not the definition I've been thinking about. I guess it's all related, though. "Easily seen through, recognized, or detected" is what I'm talking about. "Manifest or obvious" would also work. This kind of transparent is how I want to live my life. I want to be easily seen through, recognized, detected, manifest, and obvious. I want people to know me, my integrity, and my honesty. I'm not saying this requires a big change. I've always been at least as honest as most people. It's just that recently I've seen a little of the flip side and I don't like it. In fact, I don't like it so much that I never want anyone around me to experience it.
I believe that in relationships, if they are going to be deep, heartfelt, and/or trusting, all parties need to be transparent. Open, honest, easily seen through, obvious. I'm talking any dyad - boss/subordinate, co-worker/co-worker, father/son, mother/daughter, friend/friend, partner/partner, spouse/spouse, pastor/congregant, doctor/patient. The list could go on and on. It doesn't take much to be transparent. A dedication to truth and honesty. That's really about it.
When I look around me, though, I wonder - How many relationships are truly transparent? How many people lie? Or merely fib, thinking it won't matter or they won't get caught? How many people choose honesty, even when they know the pain it might cause? Especially when they know the pain it might cause?
I know in my past I've lied, told half-truths, and committed sins of omission. I thought it wouldn't matter or they wouldn't find out. News flash - they usually did and my lie or half-truth or omission caused a bigger stir than the actual truth ever would. Hide something that doesn't need hiding and your girlfriend is going to assume you have something to hide. I learned this one first hand. Case in point - I'd started dating a someone new. A few weeks into our relationship, I went out for dinner with one of my ex-girlfriends. We'd been broken up almost a year and shared a dog. Previous to my new relationship, we hung out every so often. I decided not to tell my new girlfriend because I thought it would create a "mess" that didn't need to be created. When I let it slip in conversation later on what I'd done for dinner, the shit hit the fan. My girlfriend immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was trying to hide something. I wasn't. This was my first lesson in transparency. FYI, I was transparent from then on in that relationship. And, incidentally, so was she.
Fast forward to today. I was given the opportunity to lie (ok, so maybe it was more like a half-truth because there would have been a ring of truth to my story). Suffice it to say that I didn't. The past few months have taught me a lot about transparency and integrity. In all relationships. The half-truth I could have told to day would have been ideal - high on the both the plausibility and checkability scales (see my Blog/Note "Lying Liar Pants" for details). It would have been highly plausible and I could have come up with paperwork to prove it. Check and check.
So why didn't I go with it, I mean given that the chances of getting found out were super low? It's simple. Transparency. I have chosen to live my life a different way. I would have known and that's plenty enough for me. It comes down to one thing and one thing only - I cannot ask for or insist upon transparency in my relationships if I am not willing to commit to the same. My goal is to be easily seen through, recognized, detected, manifest, and obvious. Others can join me, but that's entirely on them. But if they want to be in a deep, heartfelt, and/or trusting relationship with me, they better jump on the transparency bandwagon. If I give it, I expect it. Period.
I believe that in relationships, if they are going to be deep, heartfelt, and/or trusting, all parties need to be transparent. Open, honest, easily seen through, obvious. I'm talking any dyad - boss/subordinate, co-worker/co-worker, father/son, mother/daughter, friend/friend, partner/partner, spouse/spouse, pastor/congregant, doctor/patient. The list could go on and on. It doesn't take much to be transparent. A dedication to truth and honesty. That's really about it.
When I look around me, though, I wonder - How many relationships are truly transparent? How many people lie? Or merely fib, thinking it won't matter or they won't get caught? How many people choose honesty, even when they know the pain it might cause? Especially when they know the pain it might cause?
I know in my past I've lied, told half-truths, and committed sins of omission. I thought it wouldn't matter or they wouldn't find out. News flash - they usually did and my lie or half-truth or omission caused a bigger stir than the actual truth ever would. Hide something that doesn't need hiding and your girlfriend is going to assume you have something to hide. I learned this one first hand. Case in point - I'd started dating a someone new. A few weeks into our relationship, I went out for dinner with one of my ex-girlfriends. We'd been broken up almost a year and shared a dog. Previous to my new relationship, we hung out every so often. I decided not to tell my new girlfriend because I thought it would create a "mess" that didn't need to be created. When I let it slip in conversation later on what I'd done for dinner, the shit hit the fan. My girlfriend immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was trying to hide something. I wasn't. This was my first lesson in transparency. FYI, I was transparent from then on in that relationship. And, incidentally, so was she.
Fast forward to today. I was given the opportunity to lie (ok, so maybe it was more like a half-truth because there would have been a ring of truth to my story). Suffice it to say that I didn't. The past few months have taught me a lot about transparency and integrity. In all relationships. The half-truth I could have told to day would have been ideal - high on the both the plausibility and checkability scales (see my Blog/Note "Lying Liar Pants" for details). It would have been highly plausible and I could have come up with paperwork to prove it. Check and check.
So why didn't I go with it, I mean given that the chances of getting found out were super low? It's simple. Transparency. I have chosen to live my life a different way. I would have known and that's plenty enough for me. It comes down to one thing and one thing only - I cannot ask for or insist upon transparency in my relationships if I am not willing to commit to the same. My goal is to be easily seen through, recognized, detected, manifest, and obvious. Others can join me, but that's entirely on them. But if they want to be in a deep, heartfelt, and/or trusting relationship with me, they better jump on the transparency bandwagon. If I give it, I expect it. Period.
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