One Nighter

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"Guess it's true. I'm not good at a one night stand..."


This past weekend a friend told me that I needed a one night stand. I don't know if she was drunk or hungover at the time. The weekend is pretty much a blur. I do recall telling her that I needed many things, but a one night stand was not one of them. I've had one (ok, well... two...alright, three) and I am quite certain that I never need another one.

I don't miss sex. I miss the fit. The love. The emotion. The knowing. I miss her. I can assure anyone who cares to ask that sex with some random someone isn't going to fix what needs fixing. I've tried in the past and it doesn't work. If anything, it'll make me miss her more. I don't miss the feeling, the orgasm. Hell, I can take care of that myself. I miss the feeling of her. Her. If it was just about sex, I'd have been over this long ago.


"And deep down I know this never works..."


Sometimes I wish it was just about sex.

Love.

Love is what gets me into trouble.

So, no. I'm not going to go out in search of. In search of random. In search of something that will fix the moment. The moment can't be fixed. It can only be weathered. Time will heal and pain will fade.

In the meantime, I'll do what I need to do. Sleep next to a friend who understands and loves me unconditionally, if platonically.


"This ain't love it's clear to see... But darling, stay with me..."


Drink a little too much. Take something to help me sleep. Get up and go to work.


"Why am I so emotional? No it's not a good look, gain some self control..."


It occurs to me that more than a month later my ramblings are a bit pathetic. She's moved on. To whatever she's moved onto. I'm still in the same place. More or less. I guess it's what I do. I love with everything I've got and then I struggle to get over it when it ends. I've been here before.

Truly I wish a one nighter would do the trick, make it all go away. Make her go away. Sadly? Luckily? I know better. It's not that easy.

And you know, I'm glad for it. In some ways, this pain, even more than a month later, tells me that I did it right. I loved. I didn't hold back. For all the hurt, I'm proud of that.

I'm also proud a one nighter will never be the cure.


Lyrics from Sam Smith, "Stay With Me"

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