The Same Old Path
'You've gone a million miles.
How far did you get?
To that place where you can't remember
and you can't forget?'
~ from 'Secret Garden' by Bruce Springsteen
I'm in a gray area. I've forgotten things I want to remember and remember things I wish I could forget. I left everything I knew with high hopes ready to walk a new path. I'm still on that new path, but I have no idea where I'm going anymore. At first I thought I was looking for 'Home' - that place where I could be, live, succeed, and find love. I ended up discovering that 'Home'; it was always inside of me. Now, a million miles later, I'm still walking and wondering. God has led me here and even though I have faith in Him and trust Him implicitly, I'm still confused.
I fear I'm being prepared for something. My strength is palpable and grows with each step I take. I know I'm not headed for something of my choosing. For once, I'd like to be normal; to be able to pursue that which is 'normal' - love, family, an emotional, physical, and spiritual intertwining. Yet in this life, I've never been permitted any of that. So, I guess as I write this, I realize that the path I'm on isn't new. It's the same old path I've walked since the day I was born. I've never been normal and I'm skeptical that I'd ever be any good at it anyway. And apparently, according to God, it's not my calling.
In God's eyes, I'm intended for something different, higher perhaps. I'm supposed to walk all this way alone, forget what I need to forget, and remember what I need to remember. I'm on my way, like I think I've always been, it's just that now I have the glimmer of an idea. Unfortunately, that idea has me stuck in this gray area. I wish someone would take over the lead because I'm tired and I just want to get to wherever I'm going.
Patience. Yes, patience. We've been working on it for years, haven't we God? I'm learning ever so slowly and all the while trying to get over the disappointment of knowing that I'm not like everyone else. I think that's what holds me back. I want what I can't have, what I'm not intended to have, and I continue to mire myself in wishful thinking. It's this kind of thinking that makes me impatient and slows my journey down the path.
If only I could 'let go and let God', but I can't. He expects more of me and I'm assured that this is all part of the process. No one said a higher calling was easy. I've walked a million miles and I may have to walk a million more before I get where I'm going. All I know is that I'm on my way somewhere. I truly hope that it ends better for me than it did for Jesus. I'd hate to come all this way only to find myself nailed to a cross and questioning my faith. That had to suck. 'THIS' is where the path led me? I'm hoping for more or at least a different (and less painful) conclusion. I suppose we'll have to see.
How far did you get?
To that place where you can't remember
and you can't forget?'
~ from 'Secret Garden' by Bruce Springsteen
I'm in a gray area. I've forgotten things I want to remember and remember things I wish I could forget. I left everything I knew with high hopes ready to walk a new path. I'm still on that new path, but I have no idea where I'm going anymore. At first I thought I was looking for 'Home' - that place where I could be, live, succeed, and find love. I ended up discovering that 'Home'; it was always inside of me. Now, a million miles later, I'm still walking and wondering. God has led me here and even though I have faith in Him and trust Him implicitly, I'm still confused.
I fear I'm being prepared for something. My strength is palpable and grows with each step I take. I know I'm not headed for something of my choosing. For once, I'd like to be normal; to be able to pursue that which is 'normal' - love, family, an emotional, physical, and spiritual intertwining. Yet in this life, I've never been permitted any of that. So, I guess as I write this, I realize that the path I'm on isn't new. It's the same old path I've walked since the day I was born. I've never been normal and I'm skeptical that I'd ever be any good at it anyway. And apparently, according to God, it's not my calling.
In God's eyes, I'm intended for something different, higher perhaps. I'm supposed to walk all this way alone, forget what I need to forget, and remember what I need to remember. I'm on my way, like I think I've always been, it's just that now I have the glimmer of an idea. Unfortunately, that idea has me stuck in this gray area. I wish someone would take over the lead because I'm tired and I just want to get to wherever I'm going.
Patience. Yes, patience. We've been working on it for years, haven't we God? I'm learning ever so slowly and all the while trying to get over the disappointment of knowing that I'm not like everyone else. I think that's what holds me back. I want what I can't have, what I'm not intended to have, and I continue to mire myself in wishful thinking. It's this kind of thinking that makes me impatient and slows my journey down the path.
If only I could 'let go and let God', but I can't. He expects more of me and I'm assured that this is all part of the process. No one said a higher calling was easy. I've walked a million miles and I may have to walk a million more before I get where I'm going. All I know is that I'm on my way somewhere. I truly hope that it ends better for me than it did for Jesus. I'd hate to come all this way only to find myself nailed to a cross and questioning my faith. That had to suck. 'THIS' is where the path led me? I'm hoping for more or at least a different (and less painful) conclusion. I suppose we'll have to see.
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