From Yes to Oh Hell No
I've been 'yes' and I've been 'oh Hell no', both with about equal success and, interestingly enough, with equal results. Truly, what is meant to be is meant to be and I place my faith in God and His (seemingly fucked up) plan. Blah, blah, blah... I'm good with my life. In fact, most days I say I love my life and I'm being honest about it. Some may look at me and wonder how that's possible. I do have my health, but very little wealth and even less connection in the traditional sense. I still get asked if I'm going to have kids and shocked looks when I say that I'm not. I still get asked why I'm not married and shocked looks when I say that I have to date in order to eventually get married. And this is where I turn my life over to God. Yes, this is going to be another one about being single. Trust me, if I was married or attached or even fucking someone, I'm sure I'd be writing about that. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I'm not so we've got what we've got.
Welcome to the story of my life. I've got what I've got. It's quite a bit if one can shake the conventional view of life and what we're supposed to have at the age of forty-two. In many ways, I have more than most at my age - I can run, bike, skate, and once my shoulder gets better I'll be able to swim and play tennis again. I'm fit and healthy and seem to be aging backwards like some really odd version of 'Benjamin Buttons'. Oh, and I'm also five days away from being debt free. Then in a month, I'll be (self) publishing my first book. Ok, so I may not have a white picket fence or 2.37 children or some high-power career, but I'm pretty good as is. Yes, marriage to Ashley Judd and a house on some distant beach would be nice. Thankfully, I'm not content with holding my breath until that life supposedly starts.
Could I be married right now? (and by that I mean to a woman - let's not delve into my sexuality. Like much in my life, it is what it is). I suppose. Of course, as I mentioned before, I don't date which is an obvious precursor (in the Western World) to marriage. Why don't I date? I've written on this one at length before. Call it equal parts me and equal parts God, though I will admit that lately I've been trying to figure out who's got the heavier hand at this point.
God's plan is God's plan and I know that I'm far from powerful enough to supersede that. If He wants me to date (and perhaps marry), He'll let me when He's damn good and ready. But then there's me and my free will, a little thing I like to call 'culpability'. Not to get all metaphysical, but who's fault is my non-dating existence? Is God waiting for me to hit some personal or spiritual milestone before He deems me capable of dating someone for an extended period of time (read: longer than two months)? Am I somehow resisting and we all know that what we resist persists? And if I am resisting, why in the Hell am I? Did God create me too independent for my own good and dating isn't in His plan at all? Eek... Now there's a pleasant thought. Of course, it does diminish my role and makes it decidedly God's fault.
I hate to blame God, but whoever's fault it is, I'm reasonably thankful. I like being single. Mostly because I like being sane. I'm not saying that I go crazy first, but crazy has a tendency to weave it's way into relationships. I can go on and on about the difference between love and fear - how fear is jealous, obsessive, and distrustful and how love just loves. I know where I stand. I love. I'm not afraid to do so, per se. I'm afraid of loving someone who can't, which is ultimately where the crazy starts. Theirs, not mine. If I get told one more time in my life that I don't love someone because I'm not all kinds jealous, I'm going to do more than scream. I'm going to become the first female monk at one of the twenty Orthodox monasteries on a small peninsula in Greece that are only reachable by boat. At that point, I'll know it's God and not me. I'll also have reached my crazy threshold for this life. So, yeah...
I guess what it comes down to is that I resist and God persists. I wonder if one of us will ever acquiesce so I can date again. Blah. Sure, it's occasionally boring being alone and that third wheel thing has its moments of aggravation, but there are worse things. Like crazy.
Welcome to the story of my life. I've got what I've got. It's quite a bit if one can shake the conventional view of life and what we're supposed to have at the age of forty-two. In many ways, I have more than most at my age - I can run, bike, skate, and once my shoulder gets better I'll be able to swim and play tennis again. I'm fit and healthy and seem to be aging backwards like some really odd version of 'Benjamin Buttons'. Oh, and I'm also five days away from being debt free. Then in a month, I'll be (self) publishing my first book. Ok, so I may not have a white picket fence or 2.37 children or some high-power career, but I'm pretty good as is. Yes, marriage to Ashley Judd and a house on some distant beach would be nice. Thankfully, I'm not content with holding my breath until that life supposedly starts.
Could I be married right now? (and by that I mean to a woman - let's not delve into my sexuality. Like much in my life, it is what it is). I suppose. Of course, as I mentioned before, I don't date which is an obvious precursor (in the Western World) to marriage. Why don't I date? I've written on this one at length before. Call it equal parts me and equal parts God, though I will admit that lately I've been trying to figure out who's got the heavier hand at this point.
God's plan is God's plan and I know that I'm far from powerful enough to supersede that. If He wants me to date (and perhaps marry), He'll let me when He's damn good and ready. But then there's me and my free will, a little thing I like to call 'culpability'. Not to get all metaphysical, but who's fault is my non-dating existence? Is God waiting for me to hit some personal or spiritual milestone before He deems me capable of dating someone for an extended period of time (read: longer than two months)? Am I somehow resisting and we all know that what we resist persists? And if I am resisting, why in the Hell am I? Did God create me too independent for my own good and dating isn't in His plan at all? Eek... Now there's a pleasant thought. Of course, it does diminish my role and makes it decidedly God's fault.
I hate to blame God, but whoever's fault it is, I'm reasonably thankful. I like being single. Mostly because I like being sane. I'm not saying that I go crazy first, but crazy has a tendency to weave it's way into relationships. I can go on and on about the difference between love and fear - how fear is jealous, obsessive, and distrustful and how love just loves. I know where I stand. I love. I'm not afraid to do so, per se. I'm afraid of loving someone who can't, which is ultimately where the crazy starts. Theirs, not mine. If I get told one more time in my life that I don't love someone because I'm not all kinds jealous, I'm going to do more than scream. I'm going to become the first female monk at one of the twenty Orthodox monasteries on a small peninsula in Greece that are only reachable by boat. At that point, I'll know it's God and not me. I'll also have reached my crazy threshold for this life. So, yeah...
I guess what it comes down to is that I resist and God persists. I wonder if one of us will ever acquiesce so I can date again. Blah. Sure, it's occasionally boring being alone and that third wheel thing has its moments of aggravation, but there are worse things. Like crazy.
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