How to Eat Fried Crow

I'm seldom angry. To be honest, there's usually a diminishing return on my anger so I generally let it go pretty quickly. More often than not the person I'm mad at assumes a defensive stance and throws it all back on me. Somehow, some way it all becomes my fault, even when they've fucked their plausible deniability and are clearly in the wrong. No matter what they've done, I could have or should have prevented it, deterred it, or convinced them not to. Either that or I never should never have said what I said or wrote what I wrote (even when they grossly misinterpret my words). I should have gotten there later than sooner or sooner than later. In any case, I am unquestionably to blame which means that somewhere near the end of the argument, I find myself on the high road eating crow and choking out an apology I only marginally believe in. Oh, don't worry. They always forgive me on down the road. And that's why I know that this, too, will probably pass.

I'm not sure why I'm mad. It's been a rough couple of weeks and I'm tired. I'm also in a near constant state of dehydration and my stomach really hurts tonight. I suppose one could also argue that I'm premenstrual, but I hate to fall back on that excuse. Of course, we shouldn't forget my low tolerance for bullshit and my even lower tolerance for dishonesty that invariably get worse when all (or some) of the above are going on. It's just a bad mix right now.

I sincerely hope a good night's sleep diminishes my pissy attitude by morning. I feel a conversation coming on that will only lead one place. To blame. On me. It'll be my fault. My misinterpretation. My imagination. And none of my business. I'll be the one who gets grilled, slammed, and drug through the mud. I never should have said anything or butted in where I didn't belong. Hmm... Ok. Whatever. I'll apologize and we'll go on like nothing ever happened. Why don't they hold grudges? Why do they forgive me so easily? BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY ARE IN THE WRONG. The person deflecting always knows the truth. Always. It's got to suck when it comes out. This situation will be no different.

I'm not dumb and I have nearly impeccable intuition, a lethal combination for anyone trying to slide one by me. If I think I know, I know. In truth, the only action I care about is deceit and I'm really good at sniffing it out. I've been accused of analyzing too much, but the kicker is that my analysis is usually dead-on. It's impossible to argue with that or lie the way through it. Trust, for me, is everything. If I can't, I won't. And there's only one way to find out. It's a familiar pattern - I trust, get blown, get blamed, eat crow, apologize, and go on. It's that simple. Oh, but the level of trust is never the same.

My saving grace is that everything always comes out in the end. They can run; they can hide; they can deflect; they can blame; and they can forgive, but the truth lies in wait. Silent vindication comes eventually and it is this assurance that let's me sleep at night and helps me let go of my anger. I know first hand that anger does nothing, absolutely nothing. That's why more and more I leave these things to God. He certainly doesn't need my help to sort it out.

Still, sometimes I just have to say something, anything, to appease my soul. It's not a matter of judgement or scolding; it's a matter of honesty and trust. Maybe tomorrow I will speak or maybe I won't. Maybe it'll all blow over during the night. Maybe I'll have let it go by morning. If not... Sally, bar the door. I don't get mad often, but when I do... Look out.