Notes from the Red Bird House

A few short weeks ago, I was pretty sure I'd be able to drink my way through all of the non-flavored rum selections at the little liquor store by house before the end of the summer. I was averaging roughly two bottles a week and with summer being roughly twelve weeks long, I figured I could drink roughly twenty-four different bottles. Keep in mind it's a small neighborhood liquor store. It would take me more than a year to drink all of the rums at Specs, the Disneyland of liquor stores in the Austin. In any case, I'm only on my fifth bottle. Of course that's not counting the bottle of Sailor Jerry I started with or the bottle of Bacardi I made mojitos with a couple weekends ago. Okay, okay. I'm on Bottle #7. How do I make my choices? I probably should have started at the upper left and worked my way to the lower right. That, however, would have required forethought. And when I started this thing, I was trying very hard not to think. About anything. Not even rum. S...

There are bells that can't be un-rung and stands we shouldn't back down from. Pain is not only for victims. Sometimes it is also for the 'victors'. Often no one wins, no one takes the cake, and no one comes out on top. Bridges burn and get rebuilt only to wash away. Fortresses protect, but they also destroy. Every once in awhile, though, the hopeless find hope. Courage trumps fear. And life goes on. No better or worse. Just one foot in front of the other. Like it or like it. No choice in the matter. Fake it or fake it. Until you make it.

She thought she climbed high enough. Thought they could never reach her. She'd taken the farthest path, the highest road. For days and weeks, it seemed, she trekked. The air grew thin, the horizon broadened. She stopped to take in the view. "Yes," she sighed, "I think I'll be fine here." Almost in that same moment, she noticed the arrow. Had that been there all along? Surely, she would have noticed it. And she would have known. Known she hadn't climbed high enough. She would have kept going. She wouldn't have stopped. And yet there it was. They had found her. She looked back at the path. Would she ever out run them? Would she ever find a place high enough? Doubt filled her soul. As turned to look back at the magnificent view one last time, she noticed it. Another tree, another arrow. She knew this would always be so. Climb higher or stand? She knew the answer. It was truly the only answer. The high road was the only road. She would climb as ...

The mindfuck. I originally wrote it as two words. Thank you, Urban Dictionary for correcting me. One word. No caps. Definition #1 - "an idea or concept that shakes one's previously held beliefs or assumptions about the nature of reality." Definition #2 - "To experience a situation which calls into question the way your mind currently sees a certain idea or the world in general. Such an experience usually leaves the person stunned/speechless while he/she begins wrapping his/her mind around the new idea." And Definition #3 - "Something that seriously fucks with your brain, such as watching Fight Club every night for a week. Trust me on this." Or having one of the people closest to you try to convince you that you are crazy. But I digress. Wait. No, I didn't digress. I sat down to write a blog/note about exactly that. For the past few months, I have been battered and beaten down by a steady stream of things that seriously fuck with my brain. And al...

For the secret held  The passing days company  As the storm raged on.  Though peace would come soon  The gray clouds tumbled and tore While doubt filled the air.  Would the end arrive And a new beginning come? Would hope find it's way?  With fear tossed aside  Faith believed and hope reborn Life began again. 

There is something I need to write about. Actually it's more than one something. It might be a half a dozen. I'm not sure. I guess that's the problem. I'm unfocused and it's all blurring together. One something led to another and then to another. To write about one almost means I have to write about all. And I can't. Not now, maybe not ever. Drink more, find clarity? I spent several weeks living that one. Sure, I sampled a few really good rums and had just one raging hangover, but I can't say drinking solved anything. Fortunately, I wrote little and texted even less that I regretted the next day. Given my no-delete policy that could have gotten a bit dicey. Ok, so here's the thing - I'm mired in privacy issues. I can't talk. Which means I can't write. I can't. And really would I even if I could? I'm trying to find a way to be cryptic yet clear and I'm coming up empty. On all fronts. And I have...let's see...at least two. I...

I've made a lot of difficult decisions recently. I hate change and decisions usually bring some kind of change. Suffice it to say that little in my world is the same. I still have the same physical address (that one was touch-and-go for awhile), cell phone number, and email address, but that's about it. Through this period of flux I've learned a valuable lesson - There is a time and a place for the status quo and there is a time and a place to fear less. I used to talk a good game about fearing less. It was how I'd decided to live my life. I would stand in my truth at all costs. I would brave the unknown. I moved to Austin, went back to grad school, started writing fiction, took up tennis again, dated, fell in love. And then the wheels fell off. I started living safe. I started fearing. I worried about everything and couldn't focus. I grew tired, lost my ambition. I began coasting at work and school and in my relationship. I found myself on my knees rather than ...

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog/note called "Ten Nevers". It was uncharacteristically negative and I almost immediately began writing its inverse. And then something happened. I stopped. I came up with two "Always" and gave up. Maybe I was tired or not in the mood. I found the draft tonight and decided I needed to put in a little more work. We'll see how it goes. 1. Always choose to fear less. I don't mean that you must be fearless. That's just stupid. Run into a snake bigger than you are? Being fearless is not the best choice. Fearing less allows you to step outside you comfort zone. Accept the dare. Take whatever fear you have and reduce it. You don't even need to be brave or courageous. You just have to fear a little less than usual. 2. Always listen to Michael Bolton when driving home drunk. There are those who believe you can't get a DUI when you do. Others say Celine Dion. And still others say Christmas music. Best way to avoid a DUI? A...

Is it a "laundromat" or a "laundry mat"? I'm not sure. Maybe it's regional. So many things are. I don't suppose it really matters. Not to me anyway. I have a washer and dryer. A real nice set, actually. I bought them when I was out of debt. Paid cash. Wild, huh? Needless to say I'm not out of debt currently. But I digress. What was my point? Oh yeah, the laundromat/laundry mat. Even though I've never had to use one personally, I still have some great memories. Seriously, re-think what you've always thought. They aren't just for laundry. Two of the best dates of my life took place at a laundromat/laundry mat. Ok, what do you do when the woman you are seeing says she needs to do laundry so she can't get together? Call her bluff, if it is a bluff, and offer to go with her. I mean think about it. Laundry is better than a movie. Once you get the stuff in the machines all you have is time. Time to talk. Time to enjoy each other. Drinks ar...

She pulled the car over to the side of the road. Dust swirled. She looked around before easing the door open. She stepped out of the car and took a deep breath. The sun was high in the sky. She held a hand up to shield her eyes. Squinting, she surveyed the landscape before her. I should have remembered my sunglasses , she thought.  You know the drill, Stella. You know it. To the east, west, north, and south, it was all familiar; she'd been here before. She left the car on the side of the road and strode across the highway. She didn't bother looking both ways. No one ever passed this way. She was alone and would stay that way until it was time to drive away. When would it be time? It was always different. Sometimes she stayed only a few minutes, other times it had taken a lot longer. This time, she feared, it might take awhile. She didn't dare imagine how long "awhile" might be. She found the bench and stretched out. One hand cradled her head, the other...

"Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug." ~ late night text from a friend To use that same friend's vernacular - Word. Today I was more than the bug. I was a swarm of gnats and the windshield was that of an exceptionally large 18 wheeler. It was a shitty day, certainly no shittier than many recent days, but shitty nonetheless. I hate saying that my life is shit, but it is. Shit. Plain and simple. I try very hard to see the positive, but it's really, really difficult right now. Lest everyone think I've gone completely negative, I'm still a glass-is-half-full person, it's just that the glass in question doesn't happen to be my glass. And I have no idea when it will be my glass. This isn't me. With rare exceptions, happiness comes easy to me. I guess this is one of those exceptions. I don't like it. I don't like being unhappy. In fact, I fucking hate it. To add insult to injury, I'm out of rum. Yes,...

"Guess it's true. I'm not good at a one night stand..." This past weekend a friend told me that I needed a one night stand. I don't know if she was drunk or hungover at the time. The weekend is pretty much a blur. I do recall telling her that I needed many things, but a one night stand was not one of them. I've had one (ok, well... two...alright, three) and I am quite certain that I never need another one. I don't miss sex. I miss the fit. The love. The emotion. The knowing. I miss her. I can assure anyone who cares to ask that sex with some random someone isn't going to fix what needs fixing. I've tried in the past and it doesn't work. If anything, it'll make me miss her more. I don't miss the feeling, the orgasm. Hell, I can take care of that myself. I miss the feeling of her. Her. If it was just about sex, I'd have been over this long ago. "And deep down I know this never works..." Sometimes I wish it was jus...

I've been hearing the word a lot and saying the word a lot. Transparent. It has many definitions. The one most people think of is probably  - "So sheer as to admit the passage of light". That's not the definition I've been thinking about. I guess it's all related, though. "Easily seen through, recognized, or detected" is what I'm talking about. "Manifest or obvious" would also work. This kind of transparent is how I want to live my life. I want to be easily seen through, recognized, detected, manifest, and obvious. I want people to know me, my integrity, and my honesty. I'm not saying this requires a big change. I've always been at least as honest as most people. It's just that recently I've seen a little of the flip side and I don't like it. In fact, I don't like it so much that I never want anyone around me to experience it. I believe that in relationships, if they are going to be deep, heartfelt, and/or trus...

{I thought this was one of the blogs that got deleted about a month ago. Thankfully tonight I found it in my Hotmail "sent" messages. It wasn't lost! But is more than a month old} Recent events have dredged up some old memories and reminded me of a skill set that I possess. It's a skill I truly hope that I never have to use again. I'm good at liars. Not lying. Liars. I'm like a divining rod. Seriously. 'Trust until you can't.' I've always lived by those words. And I've gotten burned time after time. I've gotten lies for the sake of lying and lies when the truth would have been just as easy. I've asked for the truth and been told a lie. I'm not talking about 'Do you like my new shoes?' or 'How does my hair look?' Those little white lies don't mean a damn thing. Tell me whatever you want. No, I'm talking about big questions, like 'Where were you this weekend?' or 'Why didn't yo...

Regardless, I stay on the high road. This says everything about who I am and who I want to be. It is my character. I will not sling mud. I will not call names. I will not block messages. I will not say anything negative about anyone I care about. Regardless how they treat me. My way is the way, the only way I know. I may write this with tears in my eyes, but I know. I KNOW that my way is the right way. I may swallow and hold it in. I may eat crow. I may suffer unfathomable hurts. Regardless, I'm going to take it. All of it. Everything. I will stand as strong as I can. And I will be nice. Because that speaks about me. Not them. Not any of them. I will stand above. On the high road. With tears running down my cheeks. And pain in my heart. Regardless, I will rise above. To the only place I know. To the only way I know.

I met her eight years ago in February 2006. The minute I saw her I knew she would be mine. I don't remember even taking her for a test drive. It didn't matter. I'd driven a friend's a few years before and I knew what I knew - The Nissan Xterra was my dream car and I was determined to have one. A friend told me I could get a good deal on the last remaining '05 at the Nissan dealership in Bossier City, Louisiana so to Bossier I went. I wasn't excited that she was burgundy; I would have preferred dark gray or olive green. Regardless, it was love at first sight. I still remember driving her home to Texarkana. It was then that I realized she didn't have cruise control. I didn't know cars were made without it. She didn't have any of the other bells and whistles either, but none of that mattered. She was mine. I thought about trading her in in '07 or '08. I still owed a bunch and would have gone upside down on whatever I replaced her with. Still I...

I had a good day today. In all honesty, it was probably the best day I've had in over a month. Wait. It was absolutely the best day I've had in over a month. I smiled and laughed. And I wasn't faking it. I was genuinely happy. For a change. Some of it had to do with my co-workers. I work with some incredibly funny people who love me dearly. Some of it had to do with a certain friend who calms my soul and brings me happiness. Still more had to do with my determination and fortitude. What's more, I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I can't say I've done a whole lot of that recently.Regardless what the day brings, I'll wake up next to her. I'm fairly certain that there is only one person in the world who understands what that means to me. It's not sexual or sensual. Oh, she's amazing, beautiful, 'hot'. I'm not saying she's not. I appreciate all that in her, but in so many ways she is more. Spiritual? Comfortable? Both? If that...

"She'a fire and ice. She's a little crazy but it's nice..." She doesn't believe. She doesn't think she's beautiful, smart, or worthy. I know different. She is absolutely all of the above. Maybe she wasn't always. If we're being serious, I know for a fact, she's made some questionable decisions. Now, though, I find her changed. And funny, I feel vindicated. I believe people can change. I always knew she could. And I knew she would. "She's everything I want to do again..." Ssshh... She doesn't need to know that. You know how women freak out? Yeah, she might. And I need her. "She's every fantasy. She's ever lover that I've had..." Yes, she is. She's a lover I've had. She broke up with me and I let her. But damn, if she isn't the best cuddler ever. In some ways we are better now than we have ever been. Truth be told she is far more attractive for reasons I will never say outloud. Y...

"My body aches to breathe your breath..." Once upon a time she was "31". iTunes just annoited her "Indiana". Last night I listened to a little "Mirrorball" by Sarah MacLachlan. Once upon a time, 31/Indiana and I had an amazing night that to that CD. Two and a half times on repeat, if memory serves.  I read her mind that night. Kids playing on a playground. She won't remember that part. I do. I also remember why "Possession" has special meaning for me. She and I weren't destined then and I doubt we are destined now. Well, not in the way I thought we were back in the day. Now I am "aunt" to her boys (which reminds me I need to get a birthday card TOMORROW!) and we have a secret we never imagined. We are closer than I ever thought possible. And we haven't slept together or said a romantic "I love you" in more than a decade. "Kiss you so hard, I'll take your breath away..." Once upon a t...

I have to say that I've taken a lot of criticism over the years for my relationships. Some haven't liked that I date women. Others haven't liked my choice of women - too young, too old, too crazy, too boring, too ugly, too pretty, too straight, too gay, too dumb, too smart, too tall, too short. You get the idea. Still others haven't liked that I've dated married women. I have only one thing to say - Don't judge my relationship unless you are in my relationship. Here's my promise in return - I won't judge yours. I have a lot of friends and I can't say I'd want to be in some of the relationships they are in. I don't want to cheat on my husband, wife, spouse, or partner. And I certainly don't want them to cheat on me. I'm not for open relationships or swinging. I don't want to be in an unhappy loveless marriage. I don't want a boyfriend or girlfriend who beats the shit out of me. I don't want a spouse that drinks too much, ...

Never run out of rum on a Sunday in Texas. Yeah, I've yet to find a county that sells hard liquor on the Sabbath. Welcome to the Bible Belt. The Southern one, I mean. The Northern one isn't much better, to be honest. Suffice it to say, "Bible" anywhere is going to suck on Sundays. California. That's the place to be. If you can afford the cost of living. My life is apparently full of "nevers" these days. That said, I have a boat load of advice for anyone who is willing to listen. Or dumb enough to read by blog. Let's see if I can come up with ten. Sort of life one of my Top Ten Lists. 1. Never date a married woman or a woman with a steady girlfriend. She will not choose you. Ok, better said, she will not choose me. You, on the other hand, might get lucky. 2. Never lie to anyone smarter than you are. Not smart? Don't lie. 3. Never commit sexual harassment with anyone with less to lose than you do. This is not from personal experience. I onl...