Playing Favorites
I am probably the friendliest anti-social person anyone will ever meet. I'm friendly because I'm nice and because it's just easier. And because I honestly like people. Not all people, but most people. I'm tolerant, patient, and easy-going which gets me pretty far. Until I'm ready to be done. And then I'm done. With people, I mean. That's when the anti-social part of me kicks in. I don't stop being friendly. I just stop. And retreat. First, into myself. Then away from others. In truth, I am my favorite person and the only person I can tolerate on an extended basis.
I guess that may sound bitchy to some. I don't see it that way. I know me. Too much time un-alone and I'm going to start getting hinky. I'm not sure if I get over-stimulated or bored. Maybe it's a combination of both, as odd as that seems. There's just this thing in me that bubbles up and tells me it's time to go. It feels a little like anxiety, only different. It's not bad or painful, just a desire to flee either mentally or physically or both.
I've learned over the years that I need to have the illusion of control over my environment. The key for me is a good exit plan. I have to have a way to escape. Either mentally or physically or both. Sometimes, because of the occasion, it's impossible to leave and not seem rude. This is when mental escape must be possible. In these instances I'll grow quiet and stop interacting. I may look tired or bored. More often than not, I'm neither. I've just retreated into myself and prefer to watch and think. The ideal situation allows for a physical exit. I prefer to drive myself and to not play chauffeur. I want to be able to leave when I want to leave and I don't want to piss anyone off in the process. Having access to transportation is crucial, absolutely crucial. Very often, I'll just disappear without so much as a goodbye. My friends have grown to understand. When I'm ready, I leave. No commotion. No scene. Above all, I don't want to interfere with anyone's good time. I'd rather slide out unnoticed and let everyone continue with their fun.
I usually don't go places for extended periods of time with people other than myself. It's not that I'm a loner, because I do enjoy hanging out and spending time with friends. I simply understand myself and choose to keep myself out of situations that I may not be able to control. That said, I'm planning to go camping over the Fourth of July weekend with a group of friends. This is a big deal for me. I'm a bit fearful, but I think it's something I have to do to push the limits of my comfort zone. Many are taking a true long weekend and staying until Monday. Not me. I'm planning to go Saturday and come home Sunday. I'm good with that. I can fall back on the excuse that I have to work on Monday, but that's more or less a fabrication. I know without a doubt that after one day, one night, and part of another day, I'll be done. DONE. I'll have had enough of people (no matter how cool they may be) and be more than ready to get out of there. In order to accomplish this, I have an exit plan (I'm driving myself) and a good excuse (I have to work on Monday morning). If I get hinky early, I'll pack my stuff and leave quickly and quietly.
I know I'm an odd sort. I like what I like when I like it. Sometimes I get sick of me and need people. At other times, I love me and need only me. So, am I anti-social? Yes and no. I am when I am and I'm not when I'm not. I can't tell you what, when, why, or how I go from wanting to be around people to wanting to be alone. It just happens. I start to feel hinky and that's that. I guess it's good that I like myself so well. And I do. I love me and spending time with me. I have a few favorite people in the world, but I am by far my favorite.
I guess that may sound bitchy to some. I don't see it that way. I know me. Too much time un-alone and I'm going to start getting hinky. I'm not sure if I get over-stimulated or bored. Maybe it's a combination of both, as odd as that seems. There's just this thing in me that bubbles up and tells me it's time to go. It feels a little like anxiety, only different. It's not bad or painful, just a desire to flee either mentally or physically or both.
I've learned over the years that I need to have the illusion of control over my environment. The key for me is a good exit plan. I have to have a way to escape. Either mentally or physically or both. Sometimes, because of the occasion, it's impossible to leave and not seem rude. This is when mental escape must be possible. In these instances I'll grow quiet and stop interacting. I may look tired or bored. More often than not, I'm neither. I've just retreated into myself and prefer to watch and think. The ideal situation allows for a physical exit. I prefer to drive myself and to not play chauffeur. I want to be able to leave when I want to leave and I don't want to piss anyone off in the process. Having access to transportation is crucial, absolutely crucial. Very often, I'll just disappear without so much as a goodbye. My friends have grown to understand. When I'm ready, I leave. No commotion. No scene. Above all, I don't want to interfere with anyone's good time. I'd rather slide out unnoticed and let everyone continue with their fun.
I usually don't go places for extended periods of time with people other than myself. It's not that I'm a loner, because I do enjoy hanging out and spending time with friends. I simply understand myself and choose to keep myself out of situations that I may not be able to control. That said, I'm planning to go camping over the Fourth of July weekend with a group of friends. This is a big deal for me. I'm a bit fearful, but I think it's something I have to do to push the limits of my comfort zone. Many are taking a true long weekend and staying until Monday. Not me. I'm planning to go Saturday and come home Sunday. I'm good with that. I can fall back on the excuse that I have to work on Monday, but that's more or less a fabrication. I know without a doubt that after one day, one night, and part of another day, I'll be done. DONE. I'll have had enough of people (no matter how cool they may be) and be more than ready to get out of there. In order to accomplish this, I have an exit plan (I'm driving myself) and a good excuse (I have to work on Monday morning). If I get hinky early, I'll pack my stuff and leave quickly and quietly.
I know I'm an odd sort. I like what I like when I like it. Sometimes I get sick of me and need people. At other times, I love me and need only me. So, am I anti-social? Yes and no. I am when I am and I'm not when I'm not. I can't tell you what, when, why, or how I go from wanting to be around people to wanting to be alone. It just happens. I start to feel hinky and that's that. I guess it's good that I like myself so well. And I do. I love me and spending time with me. I have a few favorite people in the world, but I am by far my favorite.
Comments
Post a Comment