Trying It Unmedicated...Again
I've been off my meds (the Anti-Everything Pills, affectionately known as 'AEPs' and pharmaceutically known as 'Zoloft') for about ten days now. I didn't quit cold turkey. As usually happens, I get forgetful about taking them, continue to feel pretty good on a day-to-day basis, then stop taking them all together. You see, someday I'd like to be completely unmedicated, except for the occasional over the counter pain or allergy relief, which doesn't really count as being 'medicated' in my book anyway. It's the daily doses of stuff I'm trying to avoid. And that's why I cycle off the AEPs every six months or so. I just don't want to be dependent upon them if I don't have to be and I won't know if I have to be unless I stop taking them every so often.
The last time I cycled off, back in April, didn't last long. If I was off of them two weeks, it was a long time. I'm not sure what was going on in my life, but the absence of the AEPs must have magnified everything. Where I was normally calm, I wasn't. Where I was normally not anxious, I was anxious. When the pre-agoraphobia symptoms began I knew it wasn't meant to be. At least at that point, I still needed the meds.
So I started taking them again and went back to 'normal'. There are people that say that faulty brain chemistry is bunk and a figment of the pharmaceutical companies' collective imagination. I'm here to say that those people are full of shit. That said, I'm not advocating that everyone taking AEP-type pills every day needs them. Or that some people aren't overmedicated. Or that some people don't use them as an attention-getting crutch. I'm certain all of that goes on far more often that I'd like to imagine.
I don't think I'm different, but in some ways I probably am. I subscribe to the 'Buck up, Buttercup' school of mental well being. What you resist will persist and, even more importantly, what you want to persist will persist.
In my case, I didn't want to be anxious, depressed, or even moderatly insane. I went to therapy. I learned what I needed to learn about myself and I know what I need to do to keep myself as sane as possible. I am reasonably able to control my brain chemistry and make it work to my advantage. Truly, if I could spend all my time and attention on the regulation of my sanity, I'd be fine. Unfortunately, life tends to happen and vigilence can't be maintained 24/7. Therefore, in order to keep everything in check, I've learned that I need a boost. That boost happens to come in the form of a low dose of an anti-anxiety med. I'm not ashamed to admit it, but I'm also not willing to acknowledge that I'll need it for the rest of my life.
And that's why I decided to cycle off one more time. So far so good so far. I can feel a little undifferentiated anxiety creeping in and a few ruminating thoughts, but I refuse to panic yet. It could very well be perfectly normal with everything that is going on in my life. Work is crazy and getting crazier. I've got overtime, volunteer projects, fund raisers, and the biggest HR rollout my company has seen in over a decade. I'm also trying to physically and mentally train for longer and longer running distances, write a little, and keep up with friends. Oh, and get my house in Texarkana ready and rented. Given all that, it's probably not the best time to go off my meds, but the way I see it if I can do it now, I can do it anytime.
I'm confident, staying busy, and doing my best to keep a positive attitude. Of course, sanity doesn't give a shit about all that. At least mine doesn't. I guess we'll see. Maybe this time I'll make it longer than two weeks. Worst case I'll have to go back on them. And try it again in another six months or so. One day I'll be sane and unmedicated. I just know it.
The last time I cycled off, back in April, didn't last long. If I was off of them two weeks, it was a long time. I'm not sure what was going on in my life, but the absence of the AEPs must have magnified everything. Where I was normally calm, I wasn't. Where I was normally not anxious, I was anxious. When the pre-agoraphobia symptoms began I knew it wasn't meant to be. At least at that point, I still needed the meds.
So I started taking them again and went back to 'normal'. There are people that say that faulty brain chemistry is bunk and a figment of the pharmaceutical companies' collective imagination. I'm here to say that those people are full of shit. That said, I'm not advocating that everyone taking AEP-type pills every day needs them. Or that some people aren't overmedicated. Or that some people don't use them as an attention-getting crutch. I'm certain all of that goes on far more often that I'd like to imagine.
I don't think I'm different, but in some ways I probably am. I subscribe to the 'Buck up, Buttercup' school of mental well being. What you resist will persist and, even more importantly, what you want to persist will persist.
In my case, I didn't want to be anxious, depressed, or even moderatly insane. I went to therapy. I learned what I needed to learn about myself and I know what I need to do to keep myself as sane as possible. I am reasonably able to control my brain chemistry and make it work to my advantage. Truly, if I could spend all my time and attention on the regulation of my sanity, I'd be fine. Unfortunately, life tends to happen and vigilence can't be maintained 24/7. Therefore, in order to keep everything in check, I've learned that I need a boost. That boost happens to come in the form of a low dose of an anti-anxiety med. I'm not ashamed to admit it, but I'm also not willing to acknowledge that I'll need it for the rest of my life.
And that's why I decided to cycle off one more time. So far so good so far. I can feel a little undifferentiated anxiety creeping in and a few ruminating thoughts, but I refuse to panic yet. It could very well be perfectly normal with everything that is going on in my life. Work is crazy and getting crazier. I've got overtime, volunteer projects, fund raisers, and the biggest HR rollout my company has seen in over a decade. I'm also trying to physically and mentally train for longer and longer running distances, write a little, and keep up with friends. Oh, and get my house in Texarkana ready and rented. Given all that, it's probably not the best time to go off my meds, but the way I see it if I can do it now, I can do it anytime.
I'm confident, staying busy, and doing my best to keep a positive attitude. Of course, sanity doesn't give a shit about all that. At least mine doesn't. I guess we'll see. Maybe this time I'll make it longer than two weeks. Worst case I'll have to go back on them. And try it again in another six months or so. One day I'll be sane and unmedicated. I just know it.
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