A Different Kind of Tired

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I'm tired and I have a headache. It's really not the way I wanted to start the day. I got enough sleep (more than nine hours), so when I say I'm 'tired', I don't mean that I'm sleepy or that I want to go back to bed. I'm just tired - tired of being (even though I love being), tired of working (even though I love my job), tired of being busy (even though it has it's definite perks), tired of commitments, tired of needing to be somewhere, tired of communication, tired of bullshit (especially the petty, 'who cares' kind), tired of people, tired of focusing. And the headache this morning doesn't help.

I need some 'found time' and I need it fast. The only problem is that at this point, I'm going to need a six month sabbatical from the world to actually feel rejuventated. It's been nine months since my last vacation and eons since I enjoyed a 'mental health' day off. I just can't afford the time away from work right now. So no matter what I go to work, mostly because I love my job and partly because I have to. Not because of the money (I have plenty of personal time), but because of the work load. A day off today means playing catch up tomorrow. That means even though I'm tired and have a headache, I'll be there.

One thing I know about me is that when life gets like 'this', I get to thinking I want to run. Not take a run. Run. As in leave. Find something new. Find someplace new. In a way, I suppose I'm bored. Life is busy and I'm enjoying most of it, but it's blah. I care, but I don't. When I start looking at graduate schools twenty states away, I'm in trouble. As much as I dislike change, historically speaking, I crave it.

I've been in Austin two years. When I first moved here, I wanted to leave because I hated it. Now, I like it fine enough, but I'm ready for something different. Truly, it's probably going to be the same everywhere I go. I guess I keep thinking that someday I'll find the right change. I just don't think that change is here in Austin.

I'm a gypsy. Maybe I'll never find that 'place' and that's ok. Maybe it's all part of the plan. I have a lot within me so I don't require a whole lot outside of me. Austin is just, well... Austin. I don't know what I want, but it's not this.

In the meantime, I'm tired, too tired to think about all of this. I need a break and for this headache to go away. Unfortunately, instead of a break today I have a run, physical therapy, and eight hours of work. What I want is a day to be, a day to separate from the physical world, a day to wrap myself in spirit, day to lack specific purpose, a day to be free. Today is not that day. Tomorrow won't be either or the next or the next or the next.

Caffeine and Bayer Extra Strength aspirin seem to be helping the headache. I wish the tired was that easy to get rid of.

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