So Would Happy
The bad part about being content is that contentment doesn't motivate anything except entropy. What's even worse? I am currently content. This means I am in a decisively action-free state. I'm also exhausted. This means I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. Hell, I don't even want to leave the house much less contemplate a major life change. Let me put it this way, I should have gone to the grocery store more than a week ago. However, in my current state, I'm cool with ramen noodles and Hot Pockets. I'm almost never cool with ramen noodles and Hot Pockets. The good and bad news? The Hot Pockets are gone. This means I'm going to have to break free and at least make it to the store. Assuredly that will wear me out and I'll be right back to where I started, which is a contented nowhere.
A month ago I wanted to move home. I wanted to leave and never come back. I'm not saying that I fell in love with Austin in the past month. Not at all. I still tolerate it about as well as I ever did. And in case you're wondering... I haven't fallen out of love with Texarkana (though I am now light one girlfriend). I'm just here and have no desire to be there. Mostly it's because I don't have the energy for the desire. I'm lucky to stay awake until 8:30 these days and I'm content enough with that. This means that I have no energy and thus no desire. A nice combination, I think. Thankfully I am content. Or maybe I'm too tired to well up any discontent. Either way, I'm good enough as is. And we know how much I like 'good enough'.
I could blame my current state on the AEPs (Anti-Everything Pills). Of course it could also be the royally fucked retail schedule I've been working over the past two months. Open one day, close the next, stay until 4am, work six, have one off, work two, have one off. The only thing I don't seem to get are two days off in a row. Sometimes I feel like all I do is work. Sometimes I feel like all I do is sleep. It's an odd life, yet somehow I am content. Of course it's a by-product of the exhaustion, but I prefer to see it as a silver-lining.
So yes, I'm content. By this I mean that I'm okay, cool, alright, not going anywhere. I'm stuck more than anything - by my contentment, my exhaustion, and thus by my entropy. If I had the energy, I'm sure I'd want to run away. After all, it is my normal state of being. I'm almost always ready to go. Go where? Anywhere but here. It's how I live. Except when I'm so tired as to be content (and so content as to be tired?). I guess wearing myself out has it's benefits. I stay. Because it's the only choice I have the energy to put any energy into. It's perfection, really.
It'll be okay until I find a modicum of energy and realize that I'm still here, damn it, and would rather be somewhere else. Where? Anywhere but here. Anywhere. Seriously. I'm equal opportunity when it comes to not liking 'here'. I never like it. And it's not because 'everywhere I go, there I am'. Nope. I like myself. It's everything else I'm not exceptionally fond of. I truly believe that if it was just me, I could be happy anywhere. Not content, happy. For real. I suppose we'll never know if that's true, because wherever I go, there's always someone else, something else. It's unavoidable. So, I guess I should be cool with contentment, ramen noodles, and Hot Pockets. At least they keep me here. Of course so would happy. So would happy.
A month ago I wanted to move home. I wanted to leave and never come back. I'm not saying that I fell in love with Austin in the past month. Not at all. I still tolerate it about as well as I ever did. And in case you're wondering... I haven't fallen out of love with Texarkana (though I am now light one girlfriend). I'm just here and have no desire to be there. Mostly it's because I don't have the energy for the desire. I'm lucky to stay awake until 8:30 these days and I'm content enough with that. This means that I have no energy and thus no desire. A nice combination, I think. Thankfully I am content. Or maybe I'm too tired to well up any discontent. Either way, I'm good enough as is. And we know how much I like 'good enough'.
I could blame my current state on the AEPs (Anti-Everything Pills). Of course it could also be the royally fucked retail schedule I've been working over the past two months. Open one day, close the next, stay until 4am, work six, have one off, work two, have one off. The only thing I don't seem to get are two days off in a row. Sometimes I feel like all I do is work. Sometimes I feel like all I do is sleep. It's an odd life, yet somehow I am content. Of course it's a by-product of the exhaustion, but I prefer to see it as a silver-lining.
So yes, I'm content. By this I mean that I'm okay, cool, alright, not going anywhere. I'm stuck more than anything - by my contentment, my exhaustion, and thus by my entropy. If I had the energy, I'm sure I'd want to run away. After all, it is my normal state of being. I'm almost always ready to go. Go where? Anywhere but here. It's how I live. Except when I'm so tired as to be content (and so content as to be tired?). I guess wearing myself out has it's benefits. I stay. Because it's the only choice I have the energy to put any energy into. It's perfection, really.
It'll be okay until I find a modicum of energy and realize that I'm still here, damn it, and would rather be somewhere else. Where? Anywhere but here. Anywhere. Seriously. I'm equal opportunity when it comes to not liking 'here'. I never like it. And it's not because 'everywhere I go, there I am'. Nope. I like myself. It's everything else I'm not exceptionally fond of. I truly believe that if it was just me, I could be happy anywhere. Not content, happy. For real. I suppose we'll never know if that's true, because wherever I go, there's always someone else, something else. It's unavoidable. So, I guess I should be cool with contentment, ramen noodles, and Hot Pockets. At least they keep me here. Of course so would happy. So would happy.
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