The Deathbed Revival
In some ways I'm lucky, I guess. In other ways, it kind of hurts my ego a little. I mean it would hurt my ego, if I let it. Which I try very hard not to do. I prefer to be about me rather than about how other people see me. It works pretty well in most situations. Except maybe break ups. Just once I'd like someone I break up with to whine, cry, beg, plead, promise, stalk, debate, discuss, essentially do ANYTHING to make me think that they will miss me when I'm gone. Incidentally, they don't. Not a one. Not even the ones I'd think would create a small scene. I'm left to wonder - Did they care about me at all? Did they really want to be with me? Were they seeing someone else? Why are they seemingly not very upset about this? They should be devastated yet they are not. It really does make me wonder. Eventually I come to the conclusion that they're dumb. If they had any idea about what they stood to lose they would have been a better girlfriend and I wouldn't have had to break up with them. In the end, they're dumb and I'm free, but I have to say it can be a bit of a rough road for a minute or two.
I have been pretty vocal over the years about my disdain for the 'deathbed revival' and maybe my soon-to-be ex-girlfriends get it. I've been there. I've been broken up with and I promised everything including the moons of Jupiter if they would just stay. I'd do better. I'd do anything. Of course, in most of those situations, I thought I was right and they were wrong and had absolutely no intention of changing. I just wanted to keep them around a little longer.
This is one of the reasons why I don't put up with such revivals on the other side. I know it's all bullshit. They won't change and we'll be right back to me breaking up within a week or two. People will say anything when they think they're about to lose. 'I'll do better'... 'I'm sorry'... 'I love you'... 'We're just friends but I'll never talk to her again'... 'Jesus is my Savior'... 'I'll stop drinking/going out'... 'I'll get a job'... Trust me, before learning my lesson, I heard it all. And given my near life long single status, they never kept their promises. On some level, I think they wanted to follow through, just as I wanted to, but apparently not enough.
It all breaks down to ego. I know this. Mine, theirs, ours. Ego is a tough nut to crack. We don't want them, but we want them to want us (and vice versa). We'll promise anything to get them. Of course, when we hesitate to do what we said we were going to, we're right back where we started. Then our ego gets bruised once again and we make all the promises again. And again. And again. All in the name of self-preservation. It's all just a big, fat lie. We lie to our ego; it lies to us. More importantly, we lie to ourselves. We can lie to anyone in the world we want to - our parents, girlfriends, boyfriends, bosses, friends, co-workers. We can even lie to our dog; he's easy, he'll believe anything. If only we'd remember that there is one person we should never lie to - ourselves. And one 'person' it's impossible to lie to - God. If only we listened to our hearts instead of our heads, there'd be a lot more love and fewer fucked up people in fucked up relationships.
I've been as guilty as anyone. I know this. However, I think I've come a long way. I may be upset that my most recent ex-girlfriend isn't more upset and begging me to take her back, but I'll get over it pretty quickly. I think she knew I was serious and that's not a lie to myself, my ego, or God. When I get to the point of breaking up, I'm done. In other words, when I break up, I break up. All that said, it would be nice (however falsely ego serving it may be) if she wanted me. Or at least pretended to. Eh, the road is already smoothing out. She's dumb and I'm free. That's good enough for me.
I have been pretty vocal over the years about my disdain for the 'deathbed revival' and maybe my soon-to-be ex-girlfriends get it. I've been there. I've been broken up with and I promised everything including the moons of Jupiter if they would just stay. I'd do better. I'd do anything. Of course, in most of those situations, I thought I was right and they were wrong and had absolutely no intention of changing. I just wanted to keep them around a little longer.
This is one of the reasons why I don't put up with such revivals on the other side. I know it's all bullshit. They won't change and we'll be right back to me breaking up within a week or two. People will say anything when they think they're about to lose. 'I'll do better'... 'I'm sorry'... 'I love you'... 'We're just friends but I'll never talk to her again'... 'Jesus is my Savior'... 'I'll stop drinking/going out'... 'I'll get a job'... Trust me, before learning my lesson, I heard it all. And given my near life long single status, they never kept their promises. On some level, I think they wanted to follow through, just as I wanted to, but apparently not enough.
It all breaks down to ego. I know this. Mine, theirs, ours. Ego is a tough nut to crack. We don't want them, but we want them to want us (and vice versa). We'll promise anything to get them. Of course, when we hesitate to do what we said we were going to, we're right back where we started. Then our ego gets bruised once again and we make all the promises again. And again. And again. All in the name of self-preservation. It's all just a big, fat lie. We lie to our ego; it lies to us. More importantly, we lie to ourselves. We can lie to anyone in the world we want to - our parents, girlfriends, boyfriends, bosses, friends, co-workers. We can even lie to our dog; he's easy, he'll believe anything. If only we'd remember that there is one person we should never lie to - ourselves. And one 'person' it's impossible to lie to - God. If only we listened to our hearts instead of our heads, there'd be a lot more love and fewer fucked up people in fucked up relationships.
I've been as guilty as anyone. I know this. However, I think I've come a long way. I may be upset that my most recent ex-girlfriend isn't more upset and begging me to take her back, but I'll get over it pretty quickly. I think she knew I was serious and that's not a lie to myself, my ego, or God. When I get to the point of breaking up, I'm done. In other words, when I break up, I break up. All that said, it would be nice (however falsely ego serving it may be) if she wanted me. Or at least pretended to. Eh, the road is already smoothing out. She's dumb and I'm free. That's good enough for me.
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