Missing Out

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I'd like to say she missed out tonight. So much that I'm actually going to say it. She missed out tonight. Even my roommate commented about the quality of my 'rack'. I know. I damn well know. It's not about how I look. Which makes it even worse. My looks are the worst thing about me. So what is it? I'm sound. Sound. Not perfect, but damn well good enough. I'd argue that drunk or sober. Which is probably a good thing, given that I'm currently somewhere in between.

Yes, that's it. I'm somewhere in between. I'm used to it. So used to it that when I say 'it's whatever', I honestly mean 'it's whatever'. If I say it's the story of my life, I mean that fairly positively. Whatever it was (or wasn't) for all those years on end, is so much a part of who I am that I can't imagine who I'd be without it. For that reason, and that reason alone, I'm good with where it began and where it ended. I'm good with where it didn't start and where it stopped. Above all, I'm good with me.

It's nothing short of amazing, this Grace.

As for tonight, I feel the choice weighing on me, even though the choice wasn't mine. She says that there wasn't a choice; she didn't make one. Yet. I see what she can't. Know what she doesn't. There is a choice to be made. It will go 'against' me. It is going against me. For now. At this moment, I feel the weight of it all. Give me a day or two and I will feel weight-less again. It's nothing if it never was. And it wasn't. I never intended it to be anything. My loss? Maybe. I prefer to believe that it's hers. Tonight. Yes, tonight. I know she missed out. Tomorrow? Yes, tomorrow too. She will miss out again. She won't know, but I will. And in the end, that's all that matters. To me. She is Grace, like all the others who came before, and Grace by any other name is still Grace.

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