Moments, Regrets, and One Egg Timer
"Today, I thought about the moment I could have said I loved her
And promised her forever together
Today, today it really hit me
That she don't really miss me
She's found a new beginning
And I'm wishing I had one more chance
God knows it's too late for that."
~from "Today" by Gary Allan
For better or worse, this will never be me. Oh, it'll be me to an extent. It already has a couple times. I've had them leave me and marry someone else. I've had to heal and move on. I've seen the ring, heard them say "I love you", even listened to them have sex. I've been on the Break Up Diet. I've watched them and their new beginning. I've missed them knowing they didn't miss me. I've wished I had one more chance - on stars, shooting stars, 11:11, and before blowing out birthday candles. I've prayed to God and shouted at the wind. I've asked my Obi Wan 8 Ball. I've consulted psychics and read tarot cards. I've seen shrinks and nearly sold my soul to the devil. Through all this, though, I was certain of one thing - I'd taken my chance. I'd seized my moment. No one can ever say they didn't know. They knew. They all knew. Because I told them. All of them. Everything.
They may not have wanted me, but they knew I wanted them. They had a choice and they didn't choose me. It may be a sad fact, but at least I can say that I've lived my life without regrets. I say what I feel when I feel it, as I'm feeling it. Always. Without fault. Maybe it's too much information. Maybe people don't want to know that they are loved, adored, and cared about. I guess I just do to others what I want done to me. I'd want to know. I would. So I tell them. For right or wrong, better or worse. And more often than not (OK, all the time), I get jacked.
I walk away bloodied, but unbowed. It's who I am. I communicate. I don't believe in "could haves". I could have said I loved her? I could have promised her forever? Could have?? Hell no. I said I loved her. I promised her forever. She may not have said it back (actually she may have said it back, but she just meant it for right then that minute. Remember, forever = egg timer). However, I had the satisfaction of knowing that I said what I had to say, that I took my chance. I had my moment. I'm cool with that.
At some point, it is too late. They move on and nothing I ever say will change anything at all. Of course soon after that I move on and part of me is happy they chose someone else. I find someone new and repeat the whole cycle. Wash, rinse, repeat. Or if you'd rather a sports analogy - swing, batter batter, sa-wing batter. In the end it's always the same. I'm alone. I suppose there is reason. I accept that God has a plan and one day I will find Grace and truly understand. Until then, though, I have to keep on being true to myself, live without regrets, and keep taking my chances. One of these days, it might work. I may say I love you, stay with me, be with me forever. She may say I love you, yes, okay, and really understand forever. For better or worse, all it takes is faith, honesty, and truth. And apparently a lot of practice.
And promised her forever together
Today, today it really hit me
That she don't really miss me
She's found a new beginning
And I'm wishing I had one more chance
God knows it's too late for that."
~from "Today" by Gary Allan
For better or worse, this will never be me. Oh, it'll be me to an extent. It already has a couple times. I've had them leave me and marry someone else. I've had to heal and move on. I've seen the ring, heard them say "I love you", even listened to them have sex. I've been on the Break Up Diet. I've watched them and their new beginning. I've missed them knowing they didn't miss me. I've wished I had one more chance - on stars, shooting stars, 11:11, and before blowing out birthday candles. I've prayed to God and shouted at the wind. I've asked my Obi Wan 8 Ball. I've consulted psychics and read tarot cards. I've seen shrinks and nearly sold my soul to the devil. Through all this, though, I was certain of one thing - I'd taken my chance. I'd seized my moment. No one can ever say they didn't know. They knew. They all knew. Because I told them. All of them. Everything.
They may not have wanted me, but they knew I wanted them. They had a choice and they didn't choose me. It may be a sad fact, but at least I can say that I've lived my life without regrets. I say what I feel when I feel it, as I'm feeling it. Always. Without fault. Maybe it's too much information. Maybe people don't want to know that they are loved, adored, and cared about. I guess I just do to others what I want done to me. I'd want to know. I would. So I tell them. For right or wrong, better or worse. And more often than not (OK, all the time), I get jacked.
I walk away bloodied, but unbowed. It's who I am. I communicate. I don't believe in "could haves". I could have said I loved her? I could have promised her forever? Could have?? Hell no. I said I loved her. I promised her forever. She may not have said it back (actually she may have said it back, but she just meant it for right then that minute. Remember, forever = egg timer). However, I had the satisfaction of knowing that I said what I had to say, that I took my chance. I had my moment. I'm cool with that.
At some point, it is too late. They move on and nothing I ever say will change anything at all. Of course soon after that I move on and part of me is happy they chose someone else. I find someone new and repeat the whole cycle. Wash, rinse, repeat. Or if you'd rather a sports analogy - swing, batter batter, sa-wing batter. In the end it's always the same. I'm alone. I suppose there is reason. I accept that God has a plan and one day I will find Grace and truly understand. Until then, though, I have to keep on being true to myself, live without regrets, and keep taking my chances. One of these days, it might work. I may say I love you, stay with me, be with me forever. She may say I love you, yes, okay, and really understand forever. For better or worse, all it takes is faith, honesty, and truth. And apparently a lot of practice.
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