Love, Like, and a Wee Bit of Hate
I've been a little lost lately. I'm not ashamed to admit it. This move, away from everything I have known for more than six years, hasn't been easy. It's had it's good moments, assuredly, but most of it has sucked royally. I find that I like everything fine. I like my job. I like my new store. I like where I live. I like the people I have met. I like the energy around me. Like. Like. Like. It sounds pretty good, doesn't it? Like is good, right? Wrong. It's fine unless you understand what I left behind. I loved my job. I loved my store. I loved where I lived. I loved the people in my life. I loved the energy around me. Love. Love. Love. In the Rock-Paper-Scissors of life, Love beats Like every time. Now, here in this amazing and diverse city, I am surrounded by Like and I hate it. Because I really miss Love.
I took a short trip "home" last week (funny how as soon as I left the place that I never called home, it became home). There were some things I needed to do - play tennis, eat fried okra (I'm sure I can get it here, just haven't discovered where yet), and see my best friend. To me, a five and half hour drive was nothing in comparison to what I stood to gain. More than anything, I needed to soak up some energy, some good, positive, happy energy that only the people, places, and things in Texarkana are able to provide. I'm sure this will change as time passes and I will draw energy from Austin, but for now I have to rely on what I find in Texarkana. As sad as that may be.
For two short days last week, I was loved again. Everywhere I went, I felt love all around me - visiting my old store, taking a shower at the gym, watching a Texas High tennis match, playing tennis, hanging out with my best friend, eating fried okra at Chicken Express, meeting up unexpectedly with a friend, seeing my puppies. For the first time in almost a month, I was surrounded by love. I needed it desperately.
In truth, I almost decided not to go last week. I was homesick, horribly homesick, and I wondered if being back there would make it worse. It did. I'm not going to lie. Coming back was necessary but not easy by any means. Being home made me miss my old life even more. I began to wonder why I ever left and what was keeping me in Austin. I had no idea what I'd left beind until went back home and found it. And sadly, it's not something I could throw in the Xterra and bring with me. Put very simply, I traded Love for Like. Last week put that in very fine relief for me. I'm not upset I went, even though it's been excruciatingly hard being back. It just makes me want to visit again soon. Like right now today.
Now, I'm sure in time I will grow to love Austin and Austin will grow to love me. I just don't know if I have the patience for all that. I'm very certain of who I am, but as crazy as it may sound, Texarkana made me better - more confident, stronger, happier. I guess that's what being surrounded by Love can do for a person. After all that, Like simply doesn't cut it. So now I'm here, surrounded by Like, and hating it.
I'm trying to make it work, really I am. Honest. I swear. Part of me hopes that I fail; I have no problem running back to Texarkana with my tail between my legs. The other part of me knows that I must challenge myself out of my comfort zone and see where I can go. I imagine I'll eventually make it here, but Christ on a trampoline, it sure does suck right now.
I took a short trip "home" last week (funny how as soon as I left the place that I never called home, it became home). There were some things I needed to do - play tennis, eat fried okra (I'm sure I can get it here, just haven't discovered where yet), and see my best friend. To me, a five and half hour drive was nothing in comparison to what I stood to gain. More than anything, I needed to soak up some energy, some good, positive, happy energy that only the people, places, and things in Texarkana are able to provide. I'm sure this will change as time passes and I will draw energy from Austin, but for now I have to rely on what I find in Texarkana. As sad as that may be.
For two short days last week, I was loved again. Everywhere I went, I felt love all around me - visiting my old store, taking a shower at the gym, watching a Texas High tennis match, playing tennis, hanging out with my best friend, eating fried okra at Chicken Express, meeting up unexpectedly with a friend, seeing my puppies. For the first time in almost a month, I was surrounded by love. I needed it desperately.
In truth, I almost decided not to go last week. I was homesick, horribly homesick, and I wondered if being back there would make it worse. It did. I'm not going to lie. Coming back was necessary but not easy by any means. Being home made me miss my old life even more. I began to wonder why I ever left and what was keeping me in Austin. I had no idea what I'd left beind until went back home and found it. And sadly, it's not something I could throw in the Xterra and bring with me. Put very simply, I traded Love for Like. Last week put that in very fine relief for me. I'm not upset I went, even though it's been excruciatingly hard being back. It just makes me want to visit again soon. Like right now today.
Now, I'm sure in time I will grow to love Austin and Austin will grow to love me. I just don't know if I have the patience for all that. I'm very certain of who I am, but as crazy as it may sound, Texarkana made me better - more confident, stronger, happier. I guess that's what being surrounded by Love can do for a person. After all that, Like simply doesn't cut it. So now I'm here, surrounded by Like, and hating it.
I'm trying to make it work, really I am. Honest. I swear. Part of me hopes that I fail; I have no problem running back to Texarkana with my tail between my legs. The other part of me knows that I must challenge myself out of my comfort zone and see where I can go. I imagine I'll eventually make it here, but Christ on a trampoline, it sure does suck right now.
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