Grace Forthcoming

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Life could have gone a lot of different ways. I've made choices and choices have been made for me. I'm here now. Because of choices I made and because of choices that were made for me. I can't say I'm happy about it. Any of it. Once my path seemed so clear and now...? Yeah, it's not. I have no clue where I'm going and why all these choices were made to bring me here. To this place, where I'm not very happy. And I'm always happy. At least most of the time. So, this is all new for me. New people. New places. New unhappiness. And I don't like it. I know one day I will find the Grace in all this. I've found the Grace in worse. In comparison, this should be a piece of cake. However, I'm not so interested in cake right now as I am happiness. It used to be simple. I woke up, I lived, I was happy. Every day.

Sometimes I wonder about choices. Not so much the choices I made, but the choices that were made for me. A year ago a monumental choice was made. I offered. I was refused. Her life went a direction, so did mine. What if she had chosen differently? Goodness knows where I would be. Probably not here. Definitely not here. The big question is this - If she had chosen differently, would I be happy or at least happier than I am right now? Nothing is guaranteed. I can think or assume all I want. She would make me happy. Well, she did. For that short period of time. How long would that have lasted? There's no telling.

So, choices... No sense what if-ing. None. Fifteen years ago I decided not to finish my Masters degree. Eight years ago I decided not to join the Navy. Six years ago I decided to move to Texas. Three years ago I decided not to go to grad school (University of Oklahoma School of Social Work). Two months ago I decided to move to Austin. And those are just the big ones. I make a hundred or more choices everyday - do I hit snooze one more time? Do I have water or Diet Coke? Do I go to the gym before or after work? Do I shave my legs? Do I wear a red shirt or a brown shirt? Do I make lunch at home or eat out?

The list goes on and on. I can't second guess any of it. I have to know that I made the decisions I made for a reason. That reason may remain murky for a minute or less or continue to puzzle me for a decade. I have to rely on God and Grace. And have faith that my path has led me here for reason. That's not always easy, especially now in the face of this new unhappiness. One day... Yes, I know. One day it will all become clear. Sorry for my frustration, impatience, and seeming lack of faith. I'm just not in a good place right now. I'm kinda pissed at Grace for not being a little more forthcoming. I’m sure I’ll get over it.

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