Welcome Back to Junior High
Text from a friend: 'Maybe she has a crush on you'.
My reply: 'Uh... No, she doesn't'.
~
Historically, it starts and ends with a girl. I know this with a certainty equal to my certainty that the sun will rise tomorrow. I also know with a nearly equal certainty that no one crushes on me. Ever. Or if they do, it's some kind of monstrously well kept secret. Even though all evidence points to the contrary, my friends are nonetheless hopeful; I am not. I refute their hopefulness with facts, assertions, and the occasional assumption. Seriously, if they crushed on me, I'd hear about it. Someone somewhere would leak the info. They don't. Here's how it works in real life, using me as the prime example - I crush on people. Interestingly enough, it's generally a well kept secret. Until I goof and let go of a little of that secrecy. Then it comes back to bite me on the ass. Sounds similar to junior high, doesn't it? Welcome back, kids. Hopefully this go-round I won't have acne (Do they still make Oxy 10?) and fail algebra.
Junior high wasn't exactly the best time of my life the first time so, needless to say, I'm not thrilled to be back. I was good at estimating the maturity of my classmates back in the day. They were twelve and I expected them to act like they were twelve. I was rarely disappointed. Twelve is as twelve does. There was a nice symmetry to it and life was easy. Friendships were easy. I trusted no one and as such my trust was never broken.
Now that we're all supposed to be adults, the waters have become a wee bit murky. Forty isn't always as forty does. Neither is thirty-five or twenty-seven or any other 'adult-like' age you can toss out. The problem lies in the assumption - We're all adults here. Ooh... Not so much. In many cases, not at all. Not at fucking all. Ah, well... The fault is mine and mine alone. I am responsible for my assumption and my decisions based upon that assumption. Trust is about as implied as it was when we were children. Meaning if you trust no one, your trust will not be broken. Trust and you might get fucked. Or you might not. There's just no telling, so it's probably just easier to trust no one.
What a fun life! Now I sound like my mom or a character from 'The X Files'. Trust no one. Eek. That precludes closeness and I'm all about closeness. I will say I'm learning to enjoy that closeness in measured doses and with a certain amount of consternation. Shit rolls out slow, so I trust a little here and there and see what happens. To let someone get close to me, I have to trust them. If they blow that they're done. Fuck me and they get to fuck off. It's that easy.
Thankfully, I believe in Grace and understand the bigger picture. Perhaps a lapse in trust is what is intended. Maybe it's what is needed (trust me, sometimes it is). Sounds good, eh? My insane and potentially irrational thinking sure help me sleep at night without the aid of a sleep aid, of course. Don't go blowing it for me by telling me it's all a bunch of bunk. Such beliefs keep me from hating people and holding grudges. In the end, it is what it is and ultimately the mistake is/was mine. I trusted and I shouldn't have. That is decisively on me. Trust me, it won't happen again.
Ok, so maybe a few people crush on me and are much better at keeping the secret than I am. Now there's some additional Grace. Secrets can be kept. Dammit. Secrets can be kept. If that doesn't suck. I'm the only one back in junior high. Groovy.
~
My reply: 'Uh... No, she doesn't'.
~
Historically, it starts and ends with a girl. I know this with a certainty equal to my certainty that the sun will rise tomorrow. I also know with a nearly equal certainty that no one crushes on me. Ever. Or if they do, it's some kind of monstrously well kept secret. Even though all evidence points to the contrary, my friends are nonetheless hopeful; I am not. I refute their hopefulness with facts, assertions, and the occasional assumption. Seriously, if they crushed on me, I'd hear about it. Someone somewhere would leak the info. They don't. Here's how it works in real life, using me as the prime example - I crush on people. Interestingly enough, it's generally a well kept secret. Until I goof and let go of a little of that secrecy. Then it comes back to bite me on the ass. Sounds similar to junior high, doesn't it? Welcome back, kids. Hopefully this go-round I won't have acne (Do they still make Oxy 10?) and fail algebra.
Junior high wasn't exactly the best time of my life the first time so, needless to say, I'm not thrilled to be back. I was good at estimating the maturity of my classmates back in the day. They were twelve and I expected them to act like they were twelve. I was rarely disappointed. Twelve is as twelve does. There was a nice symmetry to it and life was easy. Friendships were easy. I trusted no one and as such my trust was never broken.
Now that we're all supposed to be adults, the waters have become a wee bit murky. Forty isn't always as forty does. Neither is thirty-five or twenty-seven or any other 'adult-like' age you can toss out. The problem lies in the assumption - We're all adults here. Ooh... Not so much. In many cases, not at all. Not at fucking all. Ah, well... The fault is mine and mine alone. I am responsible for my assumption and my decisions based upon that assumption. Trust is about as implied as it was when we were children. Meaning if you trust no one, your trust will not be broken. Trust and you might get fucked. Or you might not. There's just no telling, so it's probably just easier to trust no one.
What a fun life! Now I sound like my mom or a character from 'The X Files'. Trust no one. Eek. That precludes closeness and I'm all about closeness. I will say I'm learning to enjoy that closeness in measured doses and with a certain amount of consternation. Shit rolls out slow, so I trust a little here and there and see what happens. To let someone get close to me, I have to trust them. If they blow that they're done. Fuck me and they get to fuck off. It's that easy.
Thankfully, I believe in Grace and understand the bigger picture. Perhaps a lapse in trust is what is intended. Maybe it's what is needed (trust me, sometimes it is). Sounds good, eh? My insane and potentially irrational thinking sure help me sleep at night without the aid of a sleep aid, of course. Don't go blowing it for me by telling me it's all a bunch of bunk. Such beliefs keep me from hating people and holding grudges. In the end, it is what it is and ultimately the mistake is/was mine. I trusted and I shouldn't have. That is decisively on me. Trust me, it won't happen again.
Ok, so maybe a few people crush on me and are much better at keeping the secret than I am. Now there's some additional Grace. Secrets can be kept. Dammit. Secrets can be kept. If that doesn't suck. I'm the only one back in junior high. Groovy.
~
Comments
Post a Comment