Day 2
I started this one a few weeks back. Therefore the timeline is a bit skewed. 'Day 2' was awhile ago. We'll see if I feel like adding a post script about 'Week 2'
Well, it's Day 2. I've been crush-free for forty-eight hours. It's freeing to know that all you want is friendship. You can do what you want, say what you want, think about what you want. How fun is that? Not very. Trust me. It's boring without a crush to occupy the mind. More boring than a crush going nowhere? That remains to be seen. I would like it on the record that 'crush' for me does not mean stalking or obsessing or any kind of craziness what so ever. I just like liking them and I like the idea that they might some day like me back. It makes me warm and fuzzy and gives me something to think about. On and off throughout the day. Not all the time. That would be obsessive. Needless to say, minus my most recent crush I have a bit of free time on my mind and I'm not sure I like it.
To keep my mind off other things, I texted an old, old crush today. She uncharacteristically didn't text me back. See, these days we are friends, very good friends. I think she's sick. That might explain it. I texted another former crush this morning. I got a response but immediately decided not to text back. Nothing but trouble down that road. For me, not for her. Then in a whirlwind of uncharacteristic courage, I texted my most recent non-crush-new-found-just-friend. I felt light, airy even. Life without agenda is freeing. I didn't care if she responded and for a rash change of pace I didn't stress about the content of the text. You stress with crushes, not friends. When she answered, I didn't respond. I let it go. And again I didn't stress about it. Back when I was crushing I would have contemplated and wondered and analyzed - should I or shouldn't I? She would have inadvertently given me something to think about. Truthfully, the non-response is probably what I should have done all along, but when you're in the thick of things it's hard to see the forest for the trees.
I feel stronger today than I did a few days ago. I'm crush-free, worry-free, analysis-free. And what do I get for all this strength? Boredom. It's only Day 2 and I'm bored. I was bored with the crush. After awhile, when you realize that it's going nowhere, all the contemplation, wondering, and analysis get humdrum, boring even. It's there to think about, but thinking about it gets old. Action is where it's at, if you want to avoid boredom when it comes to a crush. In any case, I'm going to need something to fill the void and fast.
Let's see... I could skate, go for a run, Spin, go to the gym, make dinner, fix a drink, drink a drink, meet a friend for margaritas, do a few sit ups, clean my room, do a load of laundry, get a library card, go shopping, change the filter in the fish tank... I could do a zillion things. The only problem is that no matter how active my body is my brain is still free to think and/or be bored. I'm going to need to use a little brain power. Ok, so...
So, two weeks later... Do I prefer the boredom of life with crush or the boredom of life without crush? I do have to say I feel freer and my life is involves less analysis without. My soul is still intact, if a bit sleepy, and I've started to like running again. I call that a win all the way around. I guess part of me misses the hopefulness of the crush, but as my roommate said just this morning, 'There's always the chance of a new beginning'. Yes, the blind curve I used to speak of. Something is always out there waiting to take away my boredom. Sure, it may not last long before my ADD has me drifting away, but it'll feel good while it lasts. In the meantime, I'll be lowering my 5K PR and writing frivolous crap. What's new? Yeah, not a whole lot.
Well, it's Day 2. I've been crush-free for forty-eight hours. It's freeing to know that all you want is friendship. You can do what you want, say what you want, think about what you want. How fun is that? Not very. Trust me. It's boring without a crush to occupy the mind. More boring than a crush going nowhere? That remains to be seen. I would like it on the record that 'crush' for me does not mean stalking or obsessing or any kind of craziness what so ever. I just like liking them and I like the idea that they might some day like me back. It makes me warm and fuzzy and gives me something to think about. On and off throughout the day. Not all the time. That would be obsessive. Needless to say, minus my most recent crush I have a bit of free time on my mind and I'm not sure I like it.
To keep my mind off other things, I texted an old, old crush today. She uncharacteristically didn't text me back. See, these days we are friends, very good friends. I think she's sick. That might explain it. I texted another former crush this morning. I got a response but immediately decided not to text back. Nothing but trouble down that road. For me, not for her. Then in a whirlwind of uncharacteristic courage, I texted my most recent non-crush-new-found-just-friend. I felt light, airy even. Life without agenda is freeing. I didn't care if she responded and for a rash change of pace I didn't stress about the content of the text. You stress with crushes, not friends. When she answered, I didn't respond. I let it go. And again I didn't stress about it. Back when I was crushing I would have contemplated and wondered and analyzed - should I or shouldn't I? She would have inadvertently given me something to think about. Truthfully, the non-response is probably what I should have done all along, but when you're in the thick of things it's hard to see the forest for the trees.
I feel stronger today than I did a few days ago. I'm crush-free, worry-free, analysis-free. And what do I get for all this strength? Boredom. It's only Day 2 and I'm bored. I was bored with the crush. After awhile, when you realize that it's going nowhere, all the contemplation, wondering, and analysis get humdrum, boring even. It's there to think about, but thinking about it gets old. Action is where it's at, if you want to avoid boredom when it comes to a crush. In any case, I'm going to need something to fill the void and fast.
Let's see... I could skate, go for a run, Spin, go to the gym, make dinner, fix a drink, drink a drink, meet a friend for margaritas, do a few sit ups, clean my room, do a load of laundry, get a library card, go shopping, change the filter in the fish tank... I could do a zillion things. The only problem is that no matter how active my body is my brain is still free to think and/or be bored. I'm going to need to use a little brain power. Ok, so...
- I could start a new book or edit the one I need to finish.
- Read The Bible.
- Research grad schools.
- Watch baseball.
- Write (oh wait...)
- Plan my Outer Banks vacation.
- Listen to music.
So, two weeks later... Do I prefer the boredom of life with crush or the boredom of life without crush? I do have to say I feel freer and my life is involves less analysis without. My soul is still intact, if a bit sleepy, and I've started to like running again. I call that a win all the way around. I guess part of me misses the hopefulness of the crush, but as my roommate said just this morning, 'There's always the chance of a new beginning'. Yes, the blind curve I used to speak of. Something is always out there waiting to take away my boredom. Sure, it may not last long before my ADD has me drifting away, but it'll feel good while it lasts. In the meantime, I'll be lowering my 5K PR and writing frivolous crap. What's new? Yeah, not a whole lot.
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