Impatient Apathy

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I'm thinking about going back on the Anti-Everything Pill. Life seems to be spinning and I seem to be resisting, which always results in unwanted anxiety and the tiniest tidbit of depression. So, before I get completely out of control and start Googling 'knot tying' and/or 'suicide cocktail', I thought I should be proactive. I hate that 'proactive' means drugs, but outside influences make non-pharmaceutical controls nearly impossible. What is possible? The almost brand-new bottle Anti-Everything pills sitting on my dresser. I knew there was a reason I quit mid-script back in May.

As much as I hate drugs, I hate insanity more. I know my limits and I know what I can control. I know how to control my personal life and I do it very well. Unfortunately, I can't control the bullshit that goes on at work and, given that I can't just quit and move home surreptitiously (where my anxiety levels are usually non-existent), I have to go back to Anti-Everything.

If I've learned one thing in this woefully abysmal last year it's to read my serotonin levels. Right now I can feel a dip or a dip coming. I'm not sure which. Neither is any good. Impatient apathy. That's how I know. I'm keyed up and anxious, but I struggle to care. I don't care what I eat, what I do after work, if I go for a walk, if I brush my hair, if I pay my bills, yet I buzz constantly. About everything. Luckily, I buzz quickly from one topic to the next so I don't get bogged down in any one thing. In addition, I'm far too emotional and have a hard time dealing with stress. Very simply, I just don't feel like myself and I know what's coming. Therefore before it comes, I'm taking action.

Some may ask why I don't just take the Anti-Everythings all the time instead of quitting and starting up again periodically. Let me list the reasons for you -
  1. weight gain
  2. insomnia
  3. affectless apathy
I think that's plenty. Anti-Everything is great when you don't want to feel anything because all you feel is anxious, but once you feel a modicum of control return, you want to feel something. And you want to sleep without a sleep aid. And you want your metabolism to speed the fuck up.

All that said, I fear the time has come again. I was hoping to go longer, but things are what they are and I can only control what I can control. I need the buzzing to stop. I need to be able to be still in my stillness rather than impatient in my apathy. I don't think it will take long. I'll suffer through a month or six weeks of transitional side-effects (including but not limited to - migraine headaches, nausea, diarhhrea, exhaustion, and weight loss), which will be followed by a month of drug-induced calm. Control will return once again, I'll be sick of the permanent side-effects, and I'll stop taking them about a month later. Sanity will reign and birds will sing. At least that's the plan.

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