Notes from the Red Bird House

"Today, I thought about the moment I could have said I loved her And promised her forever together Today, today it really hit me That she don't really miss me She's found a new beginning And I'm wishing I had one more chance God knows it's too late for that." ~from "Today" by Gary Allan For better or worse, this will never be me. Oh, it'll be me to an extent. It already has a couple times. I've had them leave me and marry someone else. I've had to heal and move on. I've seen the ring, heard them say "I love you", even listened to them have sex. I've been on the Break Up Diet. I've watched them and their new beginning. I've missed them knowing they didn't miss me. I've wished I had one more chance - on stars, shooting stars, 11:11, and before blowing out birthday candles. I've prayed to God and shouted at the wind. I've asked my Obi Wan 8 Ball. I've consulted psychics and read tarot cards. I...

I spend a lot of time doing nothing. I think a lot, but that doesn't get me very far. What do I think about? Women, life, happiness, getting laid, falling in love, flirting, though not necessarily in that order. Mostly my thoughts involve fictional characters that are only marginally based on me. They're me, but cooler, prettier, stronger, better educated, and more articulate. They are also apparently a lot luckier than me because they routinely get hit on, asked out, flirted with, and laid. They also usually have at least one other character who professes her undying love and devotion. Ok, so there isn't much that we (me and the characters based on me) have in common. However, we do all live in Austin (at least currently), drive a beat up 2005 Nissan Xterra, listen to country music, and write (though the others are much more successful than me). Maybe one day I will get to live one of my stories. Of course, I have this not-so-irrational fear that if I think it, it'll n...

To be honest, I thought up the title to this blog first. "Only Everything". It sounded good and it was what was running through my head at the moment. I'm not sure where this thing will go, if anywhere, but here we are so let's get going. I get accused of it often. The longer I'm single, the more I hear it. Everyone seems to think that I am too picky. Apparently there are plenty of available women I could date, but I set my standards too high. I'm looking for perfection. I'm looking for everything. I'd like to correct this. I want everything that is a fact. Why should I settle for less? I'd argue that almost everyone settles for less. They do, I promise you. And where does that leave them? Somewhere between not quite okay and horrifically miserable. I hear a lot about these relationships (call it venting or bitching) and I'm pretty sure I don't want one. Why would I when I'm so happy being single? Yeah, I don't get it. Settling... ...

I guarantee you most people would say I should feel guilty. It's a damn shame I don't. I honestly wish I'd done more so maybe I could feel guilty. Sadly, I spent too much of the very limited time I had talking. Talking. Fuck me. Shut up, Stacee. I assure you when the opportunity arises again (and I will make damn sure that it does), I'm going to put myself in the position to feel extremely guilty. Kissing someone's wife is one thing (that apparently doesn't produce much guilt in me), but going farther? Yeah, that miiiight do the trick. After all, there's a first for everything. God knows, I've made a career out of "being with" (let's call it that) married and otherwise involved women (I'll do the math for you in a minute), but I have never once felt an ounce of guilt. Oh, I've been judged. As recently as last night. Everyone blames me for crossing lines. I want it on the record ONE MORE TIME that I have never crossed a line. THEY cr...

I've got this idea in my head. What if I installed a ball-hitch on the Xterra and pared my life down so that it would fit in a U-Haul trailer (one of those enclosed ones)? If I kept myself fluid and debt free, I could feasibly pick up my life and move in an instant. One day I could be here and the next I could be moving onto someplace else. I'm not sure why that seems comforting to me. Most people want to establish roots, BE somewhere. Not me. I guess I'm just different. I've spent most of my adult life searching for 'home'. After nearly twenty years of searching, I've come up with nothing. Flashes maybe, but that's it. I don't hold out much hope that I'll ever find it. So, I might as well give over to it and enjoy my home-less existence. What if I stayed here a year then move on? I work for the perfect company and have the perfect lifestyle. I really could do it. Let's see. What would I need? Definitely my bed, the 'big chair', the a...

I can't recall the last time I did a Top Ten list blog. I know it's been awhile. I started one maybe a month ago but stopped at 3 or 4. The old adage my mom used to say all the time when I was a kid, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all", kept coming to mind. I probably should have stopped this one and deleted it. I'm not sure where I've gone. I used to be so happy. Not so much these days. Sorry about that. 1. If you wish your boyfriend or girlfriend was different, it might be a sign that you need a different boyfriend or girlfriend. 2. The cure for anxiety is NOT quote-unquote 'nerve pills'. It's avoiding whatever brings you anxiety. It's pretty damn simple and a hell of a lot cheaper. 3. If you're going to be broke, don't move to a fun city. Stay in the boring town you've lived in for six and a half years. 4. If you keep breaking up and getting back together with your boyfriend or girlfriend, it might...

I try so hard, but it seems like I'm the only one. Maybe I am crying for nothing. Maybe it's my problem. I am a rock. I am an island. My choice? No, more like my rationalization. I respond by saying I don't need anyone. That I want to be alone. That I prefer to be alone. I suppose it's true to a certain extent. I'm picky. I don't want just anyone. There are those I want, those I miss, those I need. And funny... They are the ones who don't want, miss, or need me. Even though it's funny, I'm not laughing. Not even a wry, cynical, smirking laugh. I use the term 'funny' as turn of phrase more than anything. I'm not afraid to cry. I do it a lot. Inside mostly. Like right now. Tears are falling. No one can see them because no one is here. No one is ever here. Except me. I can want, miss, and need until I am totally exhausted. I can try and try and try again. And it never changes a thing. I am alone.

"And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. For me it happens all the time." ~from Lady Antebellum, "Need You Now" It's improbable. It is, I promise. I'm forgettable. Well, to the ones I want to remember me. Nice bit of irony, isn't it? I do wonder if I ever cross her mind, like at random times not like when I break down and send her a text message. At that point, I assume I'm crossing her mind. Until she finishes typing a polite one or two word reply and hits "SEND". At that point, I assume I'm no longer crossing her mind. With me, she's no better than a gnat with ADD and short-term memory loss. I'm there then gone again until I'm there again. This I know so please spare me all the placating words of wisdom. They may make you feel better, but me? Not so much. For me it does happen all the time. She crosses my mind a lot. And I do need her now, like I did five minutes ago and like I will five minutes from now. She won't be...

I'm a competitive person. By that I mean I like to compete. I don't care much about winning, though it can be pretty cool. I also don't care much about losing, though sometimes it can suck. I like to play - play hard, play well. I like to try my best. I like to compete well. In truth, I would rather play well and lose than play bad and win (you won't see me giving the win back, though). This may sound like blasphemy to the traditionally competitive person. To many, "competing" means fighting to be the best. Winning means that they are better. Falling short means that they are lesser. Lesser is no good. They must be the best and they will do anything, including beg, borrow, steal, and cheat, to get there. I'm the opposite. To me, competition is not about winning and losing. It's about playing as well as I can and enjoying the game, win or lose. Every game has a winner and a loser. I really don't care which one I end up being as long as I've comp...

I know it's an illusion. I know I'm kidding myself, yet I can't help myself. I live in a really nice neighborhood. It's easily the nicest place I have ever lived. There's a walking trail around the neighborhood and a community basketball court and playground. You can walk at all times of the day or night and not worry about safety. This is how the upper middle middle class live. At least in my opinion. All of the houses are two story and have two car garages. And, incidentally, all are decidedly out of my price range. About $160,00 out of my price range. I can't imagine ever being able to afford to live here for real. Unless I marry really, really well, but I just don't have that kind of luck. Ok, back to my illusion... As I walk the neighborhood, which I do most days, I think that if I could afford one of these houses I would never be unhappy. I look at the nice cars parked in drive ways, see lights burning pleasantly in windows, and smell dinner cooking. A...

Life could have gone a lot of different ways. I've made choices and choices have been made for me. I'm here now. Because of choices I made and because of choices that were made for me. I can't say I'm happy about it. Any of it. Once my path seemed so clear and now...? Yeah, it's not. I have no clue where I'm going and why all these choices were made to bring me here. To this place, where I'm not very happy. And I'm always happy. At least most of the time. So, this is all new for me. New people. New places. New unhappiness. And I don't like it. I know one day I will find the Grace in all this. I've found the Grace in worse. In comparison, this should be a piece of cake. However, I'm not so interested in cake right now as I am happiness. It used to be simple. I woke up, I lived, I was happy. Every day. Sometimes I wonder about choices. Not so much the choices I made, but the choices that were made for me. A year ago a monumental choice was made...

I believe in energy. Specifically, the energy between people. I can't prove where it comes from. I simply fall back on one fact and one fact alone - It's there. My proof? I feel it. I do. Not with everyone (thank God), but with many people. I'm up to maybe two or three hands over the course of forty-years. Some have passed through my life quickly while others have a more enduring presence. When we met, I "just knew" them or had the feeling that we'd met before, maybe in a previous life. There's something there between us, something completely unexplainable. Unless you believe in energy. And I do. I believe that this energy exists because we are all One. We were created from the same matter by the same being, the same God. We are equal and joined together through this energy. With some the energy is stronger, with others weaker, but it's always there between each and every one of us. i'm fairly certain our evolution or actualization determine how w...

A blank text message. And me being a smart-ass had to reply. "Thanks for the blank text ;)". I knew she didn't mean to send me a blank text. Or did she? Well, probably not. A waste of a text and the time it takes to hit reply and send. "Whoops. Lmao" was her answer to my smart ass. I can always make her laugh, sometimes even her ass off. Apparently. I wasn't done. "You want me to fill in the blank?" "Uh huh". Truthfully, she should have known better. Carte blanche to say anything? Yeah, nothing but trouble down that road. "Yes, I'll marry you :)" Deafening silence. Two minutes passed, then three. Uh, oops. Too much? Yes. Here I come to save the day. "Wow. I thought you'd at least laugh. I thought it was pretty funny". "I am". Ok, I guess she was too busy laughing to text back at first. "Whew...", I replied. Still not satisfied and always requiring the smart ass last word (and maybe covering ...

Last night, from my perch in the loft over the living room, I could hear the national news playing on the TV. The little I heard, before tuning it out, was enough to piss me off and remind me why I choose not to watch, read, or listen to the news. I love America, but I have a boat-load of disdain for the American people. Not everyone, just many, many, many of them. The topic last night? President Obama's speech to American children. His goal? To inspire and encourage. Wow. Yeah, that's blasphemy at its best. What did 'they' (by that I mean the close-minded, conservative, Christian, elitest parents and school districts around the country that refused to show the speech) think he was going to say? Worship the devil and engage in civil disobediance? Right. Sure. Like that would have flown. Are you kidding? Seriously. The President of the United States takes time out of his excruciatingly busy schedule running the Free World to speak to school children and we don't even...

I've been a little lost lately. I'm not ashamed to admit it. This move, away from everything I have known for more than six years, hasn't been easy. It's had it's good moments, assuredly, but most of it has sucked royally. I find that I like everything fine. I like my job. I like my new store. I like where I live. I like the people I have met. I like the energy around me. Like. Like. Like. It sounds pretty good, doesn't it? Like is good, right? Wrong. It's fine unless you understand what I left behind. I loved my job. I loved my store. I loved where I lived. I loved the people in my life. I loved the energy around me. Love. Love. Love. In the Rock-Paper-Scissors of life, Love beats Like every time. Now, here in this amazing and diverse city, I am surrounded by Like and I hate it. Because I really miss Love. I took a short trip "home" last week (funny how as soon as I left the place that I never called home, it became home). There were some things I...

"Only monks feel comfortable in the presence of God. And even they have the sense to bow." That was a text a friend sent me in the middle of a "conversation" regarding why women like me then suddenly run away. It's true they do. Don't placate me like most of my friends do. Here's the situation. I kinda like someone. They kinda like me. We talk, text, and finally get together. We have a great time together. We talk, text, and maybe get together again. We have a great time. I let them tell me where they want our 'relationship' to go. I think it over for a quick second and agree to follow their lead. We talk, text, and never get back together again. At this point, they stop and go back to whatever it is they were doing before me. I'm left holding an illusion. Ok, if this happened once, I'd be cool. But twice, three times, four times? Yeah, the common denominator is me, Kids. Not the women I choose. So, before it happens again, I decided to t...