Just Once
All my friends are fond of telling me 'it's them, not you'. They have the problem, not me. Really? The first time or two I believed it, but now? Sheer numbers alone should encourage doubt, yet my friends steadfastly 'believe' that it's not me; that I'm not the one with the problem.
It's not that I've suddenly changed my mind and want a girlfriend. I'm the same as I've been for quite awhile now. I'll make the statement again for effect - I don't want a girlfriend. Not really anyway. It usually ends up more trouble than good and I don't need any more trouble. However, that's not the point. It would be nice if just once someone tried to convince me to change my mind. Just once I'd like someone to stand up to me, say that they like me, and do everything they can to make me like them back.
Does that sound odd? It shouldn't. Simply because I don't want a girlfriend doesn't mean I don't want someone to want me to be their girlfriend. That may sound selfish, but I don't see it that way. I'm all about 'never say never' and 'what if'. Maybe I'd like to be swept off my feet just once. Maybe I'd like someone to like me enough to pursue me just once. Maybe I'd like someone to try to break through my bullshit just once.
I have yet to find that person and I'm honestly doubtful if she even exists. I have spent my entire dating life pursuing and I've gotten nowhere fast. I'm tired. I'm tired of getting blown off or just simply blown. I'm tired of being too much yet never enough all at the same time. I tired of getting picked over and picked on. I'm tired of never getting out of it what I put into it. I'm tired of needing an egg timer to determine the length of my relationships I'm tired of always being the one who cares the most. All that said, I don't spend a whole lot of time being mad at it because I am who I am because of it - steadfastly single and more or less ok with it.
Still for me, it begs all kinds of questions. Why am I not likable enough? Why doesn't anyone ever stick around long? Why doesn't anyone ever find me interesting enough to pursue? Several people have spoken about my energy and have said numerous times that I must have a proverbial 'closed sign' on my forehead. I don't think it says 'Closed'. It's more like 'Gone Fishin', meaning I'll be back soon if anyone would care to wait around. Then there's my short hair. What's the big deal? I'll tell you the big deal - Short hair equals 'Butch' (amazingly enough, not just in the straight community). Generally speaking, Butch women want to do the pursuing and don't want to be pursued. Get it? I'm not Butch; I have short hair. Just once I'd like someone to look past my hair (and often shaved head), see me for who I really am (ie. not Butch), and pursue ME.
Most of my friends, many of whom know how tenuous my sanity can be, tell me vociferously that it's not me. My only problem, if I even have one, they say, is pursuing the wrong women. Well, pardon me for going after the low hanging fruit that for the slightest nano-second acts like she wants me to pursue her. The rest, the ones I don't pursue? Oh, they don't give me the time of day so why bother. I'm not into wasting my time on lost causes who couldn't care less if I took another breath in this world. This is when my friends talk about how wonderful I am and how shittily problematic most women are. I'm all this and all that and because of that I intimidate most of the women I meet. Really? I mean, really really? Me? Whatever. It's either that or they say that these women don't know what they are missing, it's their loss. Blah. Blah. Freakin' blah.
And there we have the classic contradiction. It's me but it's not me. I'm here today to reassure everyone that it is in fact me. The one and only reason that no one wants to date me or be my girlfriend is me. Me. Me. Me. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm too unlucky to have it be just dumb luck. Given the law of averages, I should find someone interested in me eventually, shouldn't I? Unless the root cause is me (See where I'm going with this?) I am truly the one constant, the one common denominator. I seldom change. Or if I do, the changes are so subtle that no one really notices. Because God knows, no one gets close enough to me to tell. To 99% of women out there, I'm Stacee - a Butch lesbian who doesn't want a girlfriend.
But Hell on fire... Everyone wants to be wanted, don't they?
There honestly isn't much I need outside myself and God. I have a depth of spirit and know where I stand with God and His plan, but I live in this world and I am human. It is this humanity that leads me to want someone to want me. And really, if she was worth half her salt, I'd probably give it all up for her. All I need is someone willing to try. Just once. Yeah, I might as well go mining for diamonds in my own backyard.
Forgive me my lack of hopefulness but I've been dealing with this issue for going on three decades. I'm tired, just plain-old-fashioned-God-can't-help-me-with-this-one tired. It's me...and it's not. Or so they say. Just once I'd like things to be different. Or maybe just once I'd like me to be different.
It's not that I've suddenly changed my mind and want a girlfriend. I'm the same as I've been for quite awhile now. I'll make the statement again for effect - I don't want a girlfriend. Not really anyway. It usually ends up more trouble than good and I don't need any more trouble. However, that's not the point. It would be nice if just once someone tried to convince me to change my mind. Just once I'd like someone to stand up to me, say that they like me, and do everything they can to make me like them back.
Does that sound odd? It shouldn't. Simply because I don't want a girlfriend doesn't mean I don't want someone to want me to be their girlfriend. That may sound selfish, but I don't see it that way. I'm all about 'never say never' and 'what if'. Maybe I'd like to be swept off my feet just once. Maybe I'd like someone to like me enough to pursue me just once. Maybe I'd like someone to try to break through my bullshit just once.
I have yet to find that person and I'm honestly doubtful if she even exists. I have spent my entire dating life pursuing and I've gotten nowhere fast. I'm tired. I'm tired of getting blown off or just simply blown. I'm tired of being too much yet never enough all at the same time. I tired of getting picked over and picked on. I'm tired of never getting out of it what I put into it. I'm tired of needing an egg timer to determine the length of my relationships I'm tired of always being the one who cares the most. All that said, I don't spend a whole lot of time being mad at it because I am who I am because of it - steadfastly single and more or less ok with it.
Still for me, it begs all kinds of questions. Why am I not likable enough? Why doesn't anyone ever stick around long? Why doesn't anyone ever find me interesting enough to pursue? Several people have spoken about my energy and have said numerous times that I must have a proverbial 'closed sign' on my forehead. I don't think it says 'Closed'. It's more like 'Gone Fishin', meaning I'll be back soon if anyone would care to wait around. Then there's my short hair. What's the big deal? I'll tell you the big deal - Short hair equals 'Butch' (amazingly enough, not just in the straight community). Generally speaking, Butch women want to do the pursuing and don't want to be pursued. Get it? I'm not Butch; I have short hair. Just once I'd like someone to look past my hair (and often shaved head), see me for who I really am (ie. not Butch), and pursue ME.
Most of my friends, many of whom know how tenuous my sanity can be, tell me vociferously that it's not me. My only problem, if I even have one, they say, is pursuing the wrong women. Well, pardon me for going after the low hanging fruit that for the slightest nano-second acts like she wants me to pursue her. The rest, the ones I don't pursue? Oh, they don't give me the time of day so why bother. I'm not into wasting my time on lost causes who couldn't care less if I took another breath in this world. This is when my friends talk about how wonderful I am and how shittily problematic most women are. I'm all this and all that and because of that I intimidate most of the women I meet. Really? I mean, really really? Me? Whatever. It's either that or they say that these women don't know what they are missing, it's their loss. Blah. Blah. Freakin' blah.
And there we have the classic contradiction. It's me but it's not me. I'm here today to reassure everyone that it is in fact me. The one and only reason that no one wants to date me or be my girlfriend is me. Me. Me. Me. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm too unlucky to have it be just dumb luck. Given the law of averages, I should find someone interested in me eventually, shouldn't I? Unless the root cause is me (See where I'm going with this?) I am truly the one constant, the one common denominator. I seldom change. Or if I do, the changes are so subtle that no one really notices. Because God knows, no one gets close enough to me to tell. To 99% of women out there, I'm Stacee - a Butch lesbian who doesn't want a girlfriend.
But Hell on fire... Everyone wants to be wanted, don't they?
There honestly isn't much I need outside myself and God. I have a depth of spirit and know where I stand with God and His plan, but I live in this world and I am human. It is this humanity that leads me to want someone to want me. And really, if she was worth half her salt, I'd probably give it all up for her. All I need is someone willing to try. Just once. Yeah, I might as well go mining for diamonds in my own backyard.
Forgive me my lack of hopefulness but I've been dealing with this issue for going on three decades. I'm tired, just plain-old-fashioned-God-can't-help-me-with-this-one tired. It's me...and it's not. Or so they say. Just once I'd like things to be different. Or maybe just once I'd like me to be different.
Comments
Post a Comment