Notes from the Red Bird House

Should I get it over with? I mean I want to know. I'm not sure I'm at 'need to know' yet, but we seem to be on a collision course. We'll get there. I'll get there. And once I need to know, I'll need to know. Need is never good in my world. Ever. Something in me says suggest it now, and as crass and unromantic as it may seem, 'get it over with'. Just do it. By 'it', I mean 'it' in all lower case. As opposed to 'It' which means something a little farther up the food chain than I'm inclined to go. At this point. So, yeah... Let's not make this thing any bigger than it is. For now. Still, I'd like to know what it's like, just to see, just to know, just to... you know... have done it. I mean, we could and have nothing come of it ever. The classic 'One and Out'. On a certain level, I'm good with that. I'd have accomplished (wow, crappy word choice, Stace) exactly what I said I wanted to accomplish (...

'Sometimes the only way to win is not to play.' I was up early this morning watching 'Tron: Legacy'. Until that line (which I adapted slightly for my purposes. I like to hedge my bets a little), I wasn't sure why in the Hell I was up at 4am eating Raisin Bran and watching the sequel to a movie I may or may not have seen and/or liked as a child. Here I thought I was so excited about 'my' Saturday that I couldn't sleep. I never expected a miracle before sunrise. And yet there it was coming out of Jeff Bridges' character's mouth - 'The only way to win is not to play'. Words to live by. Hell, words I already live by. I guess I'm just happy I'm not the only one who feels this way, even if the only other person is a character in a Disney movie. I'm dead-set on not playing. I am. I simply struggle with the 'winning' part. I haven't 'played' in years (if ever) and it's been years since I've 'won'....

A couple years back she was the girl I drove seven hours to sleep with. I don't want it to sound bad, but I'd driven farther. I haven't since. Six hours is the most since. And really, in comparison, that extra hour was well worth it. I'm not commenting on quality or quantity here, just attention to detail. Seven hours read me poetry. Six hours... hmm... how should I say this.. got drunk a lot. Regardless, I'm done with the long distance thing. A friend commented the other day about his good luck with long distance Internet dating and suggested that I may want to 'think globally' like he did. Uh, no thanks. Really. I'm good as is. I like being single plenty enough to forego too much effort. Six or seven hours? Not any more. Still, though, I have a few good road trip memories. I simply choose not to add to them. If I'm going to date anyone, it's going to be local. Even that's a huge stretch. The idea of seriously dating anyone (Ashley Judd in...

Text from a friend: 'Maybe she has a crush on you'. My reply: 'Uh... No, she doesn't'. ~ Historically, it starts and ends with a girl. I know this with a certainty equal to my certainty that the sun will rise tomorrow. I also know with a nearly equal certainty that no one crushes on me. Ever. Or if they do, it's some kind of monstrously well kept secret. Even though all evidence points to the contrary, my friends are nonetheless hopeful; I am not. I refute their hopefulness with facts, assertions, and the occasional assumption. Seriously, if they crushed on me, I'd hear about it. Someone somewhere would leak the info. They don't. Here's how it works in real life, using me as the prime example - I crush on people. Interestingly enough, it's generally a well kept secret. Until I goof and let go of a little of that secrecy. Then it comes back to bite me on the ass. Sounds similar to junior high, doesn't it? Welcome back, kids. Hopefully th...

'But those who trust in the LORD will find their strength renewed. They will soar on wings as eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.' ~ Isaiah 40:31 I ran with Jesus for the first time yesterday. When I was a runner before, I didn't give Jesus much thought. I wasn't spiritual much less anywhere close to Christian. Basically, I was in my early twenties, anorexic, and I couldn't have given a damn about God or Jesus or anything even remotely religious. I was too busy counting calories, logging miles, and procrastinating my Masters thesis. I didn't have a whole lot of brain power to spare and frankly God, etc wasn't something I recall ever thinking about. Twenty years later, I find my life changed. I let my soul lead and I spend a lot of time thinking about spiritual matters. The lone commonality that I can see between my old life and this one is that I'm running again. Running is a recent phenomenon. I was veheme...

A month ago I stopped wearing one of my rings. Specifically the ring I wore on my left ring finger. The 'word on the street' was that the ring made me appear taken and thus unavailable. Now I've always heard that married people seem more attractive because of their unavailability. Unfortunately, I didn't experience this first hand. Of course, I'm not really married so maybe that 'attactiveness' has more to do with energy than a ring. In either case, it didn't work for me. Then again neither did not wearing the ring. It's not like I expected women to come out of the woodwork when they suddenly realized I wasn't wearing a 'left hand ring' and might thus be available. I did, however, hope for the woodwork thing. Perhaps I should have hoped harder because I got a whole lot of nothing for my efforts. At this point, I've assumed it's more about me than a ring. As discouraging as that may sound, I'm not discouraged. I've decid...

Ok, so this is going to sound a little junior high. Well, junior high when I went to junior high. I'm sure kids are far more advanced these days. In any case, I'm aware of the 'immaturity' of my thoughts and I have a zillion rationalizations specifically designed to make me feel better. I just want everyone to be aware that I'm aware and thus maybe keep any sort of interventions at bay. In a nutshell, I've created a whole new Bucket List. I guess I should say that I've created an 'additional' Bucket List because I haven't trashed the old one. Yes, I still plan to publish a book, live on the beach, hike The Camino, get an advanced degree in Divinity, and marry Ashley Judd. My new Bucket List involves one behavior and one behavior only (this is also where it goes decidedly 'junior high'). Now, you'd think at my age that one behavior would be sex. It's not. Around the first of the year, I gave up sex for the sake of sex, meaning th...

I started this one a few weeks back. Therefore the timeline is a bit skewed. 'Day 2' was awhile ago. We'll see if I feel like adding a post script about 'Week 2' Well, it's Day 2. I've been crush-free for forty-eight hours. It's freeing to know that all you want is friendship. You can do what you want, say what you want, think about what you want. How fun is that? Not very. Trust me. It's boring without a crush to occupy the mind. More boring than a crush going nowhere? That remains to be seen. I would like it on the record that 'crush' for me does not mean stalking or obsessing or any kind of craziness what so ever. I just like liking them and I like the idea that they might some day like me back. It makes me warm and fuzzy and gives me something to think about. On and off throughout the day. Not all the time. That would be obsessive. Needless to say, minus my most recent crush I have a bit of free time on my mind and I'm not sure I l...

Sometimes the reasons why take a minute. Sometimes the wheels to Grace are set in motion long before we ever realize. And sometimes Grace arrives before we even know we need it. I know all this to be true because of the Debit Card Miracle of 2008 and because of the unique storm drain placement in front of my house. Near the end of 2008, I had pretty much destroyed my debit card. I grew tired of carrying my purse when I went out so I started putting my ID and my debit card in my back pocket. Back near the end of '08, I went out a lot so they took a beating. The debit card more so than my ID. It had a nifty hairline fracture that got worse by the day and it worked sporadically.  I planned to stop by the bank to order a new one before it completely ripped in half, but I never made it there. Then one day, a debit card arrived in the mail. It was fresh, new, and nothing short of a miracle. Fast forward a few months, another debit card arrived in the mail. I didn't ...

There shouldn't have to be an essay answer, a tap dance, or a track meet. All the question needs is a simple 'yes' or 'no'. After all, it is a 'closed' question and only allows for a binary, this or that, response. It's very easy actually. I designed the question to be so. Either she does or she doesn't. Let me do the math to make it even easier. An affirmative response, 'Yes', means that she does. A negative response, 'No', means that she doesn't. To me, it's perfect in it's simplicity. The only thing I had to do was work up the courage to ask. All she had to do is work up the courage (or put her ego aside) to answer. Sadly, in practice, it's never that easy. Women tend to respond one of three ways and none of them equates to a direct answer. These three methods were alluded to above - the essay answer, the tap dance, and the track meet. Let's delve into each one in turn. What causes the non-response and why? ...

I need something to look forward to. I'm sure several people out there are simply thinking that I'm not thinking hard enough, that there's plenty to look forward to. I'm here to tell you that there's not. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy life. It's just that right now, it's boring, 'hum-drum', rote, blah, repetitive. Well, do something to change it? I know I need something new under the sun, but that's a lot harder than it looks. The thought of everything bores me. I'm well aware that all this could very well be a figment of my newly re-medicated mind. After all, I don't call them the 'Anti-Everything Pills' for nothing. Still, I'm hoping for a change. I guess in that way, I am looking forward to something. Good Lord! I'm looking forward to CHANGE!!! Can't say I've said that too many times in life. Ok, sure I've wished girlfriends would come back, weight would melt away, bosses would be nicer, and certain girl...

A month ago, I stopped taking my Anti-Everything Pills (AEPs). Two weeks ago, I started taking them again. Some may say I didn't give life without them a chance. In my defense, I was determined to make it work. I weened myself off of them over several weeks so I wouldn't get blasted by withdrawal symptoms when I finally quit them all together. I must have done something right because other than a few odd night sweats, I didn't experience any adverse reactions to not taking them. Until the ruminating thoughts and agoraphobia returned. At first I thought I was just finally going through withdrawal. I didn't feel like me. I wasn't anxious per se, but I wasn't not anxious either. I was somewhere in the middle between normal and fucked up. My head was foggy and I didn't seem to be thinking right. My thoughts repeated and I stressed about stuff I hadn't stressed about in months. Then I started retreating into myself. I didn't want to be around anyone or ...