Notes from the Red Bird House

I just ate a bowl of Multi-Grain Cheerios. I know that may seem like an odd opening statement. I'm sure many readers are thinking and/or saying out loud, 'Wow, really? Who the fuck cares, Stacee?' I can't say there's any purpose to sharing my late night snacking habits, which are usually a lot more non-existent. You see, I'm not a big believer in snacking. I know I'm supposed to eat multiple, multiple times a day, which would include 'meals' that I would call 'snacks, but I'm not any good at it because I just don't like to snack. I like to meal. In fact, I eat three of them a day every day. I give myself bonus points for ALWAYS eating breakfast (even when I have a pumpkin spice donut which if I ate as a snack would count against me, but as long as it's a meal, I can rationalize it's ok, as long as I don't do it very often). So many people skip breakfast entirely or add extra sugar to their coffee and call it breakfast. I think...

'Are you gonna kiss me or not?' ~ from "Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not" by Thompson Square Let's talk a moment about patience. Historically, I've sucked at it. I can delay certain kinds of gratification, like pizza, donuts, fried okra, and ice cream. Interpersonal patience is a totally different story. You see, I'm on my agenda, the rest of the world is on theirs, and we are nowhere near in sync. I want what I want, they want what they want, and we seldom want the same thing at the same time. I think it has to do with gravity and centrifugal force. Or maybe it's pheromones. Or God. It has to be something like that, but I'm really not sure. All I know is that I've spent my life needing patience so, in theory, I should be great at it. Practice makes perfect, right? Yeah, not so much. I'm still woefully inadequate, but I do have to say I'm improving. Finally. I know, I know. But I am getting it. I'm sure God is as tired of me faili...

 'If that's what Heaven's made of, I ain't afraid to die...' ~ from 'If Heaven' by Andy Griggs I believe what I believe. I don't know where it came from or why. All I know is that I know. No one told me and I didn't read it in a book. At least I don't think I did. I'm sure I may have heard bits and pieces here and there, but my conclusions are mine and mine alone. I admit my beliefs are a little different than most and I'm ok with that, even if no one else is. I've been told that there are 'empirical' 'truths' that tell a very different story. I need to read The Word and repent, accept my Savior and await the Rapture. I wish I could do that, but I can't. It's not what or how I believe. Now, I'm not here to self-righteously force my will and insist that I'm right and everyone else is wrong. I believe that what I believe is right for me, right for me . I'm well aware that I may be the only person...

I'm seldom in the right place at the right time. For being a punctual person, I'm usually too late or too early or somehow just not on time. I hesitate when I should jump, jump when I should hesitate. I wait when I should go, go when I should wait. I've been known to think too much and, on several fairly ugly occasions, too little. I speak when I should remain silent, remain silent when I should speak. What should I have said? Apparently anything would have worked better than nothing. Maybe. Of course, maybe not. Maybe what I said, the little I said, was too much. There's just no telling. All I know, it that it's not me and it is me. I am everything and nothing - everything they want but nothing they can have, nothing they want but everything they can have. I'm in between, sideways, and upside down. Maybe. Of course, maybe not. Maybe my time passed and I missed it. Maybe I hesitated and I lost. Maybe I was patient when should have been impatient, cowardly when...

I've given it a lot of thought. And if any of you know me, I mean really KNOW me, you know what I mean by a lot. I've analyzed, pondered, contemplated, evaluated, run the numbers, meditated, studied, and deliberated until my eyes crossed and my head hurt. Along the way, I've drank my share and discussed the issues with God and certain very select friends. I've written it, erased it, and written it again. Only to erase it again. I've concluded and recanted, hoped and prayed. Once I decided and then decided I was full of shit. I'm not sure I'm ready for a conclusion, but I'm going to make one. For today. If you ask me tomorrow, I might say something completely different. We'll see. I was once accused of being wishy-washy. Yeah so? I never said I was perfect (ok, maybe that one time). No matter what, though, I know who I am. Right now today. Tomorrow? There's no telling. At best I'm a work in progress. Try to remember that as you read on. I li...

I enjoy silence. I do. It's quiet, calm, and always allows for clear thought. I'm not going to say I prefer silence because that would be a lie. I love music and laughter and good conversation. I love the sound of the waves and the sound of the rain on a tin roof. I love the sound a ball makes when it hits a wooden bat and the swishing sound a basketball makes as it falls through the net. I love the sound of wind chimes in the cool night air and the buzz my cell phone makes when I get a text message. In the past, I've loved the sound of my girlfriend's breathing as she's slept peacefully next to me. Silence, though, has its place and, when well defined, can be equally comforting. I'm used to silence. I've lived alone and been alone for most of my adult life. I've spent more time talking to dogs and turtles and cashiers at Walmart than 'real' people. I've been alone with my silent thoughts and carved dreams out of the nothingness of nothing....

Friend: I wonder if you get coffee in Heaven. Me: Um... You're asking because...? Friend: I dunno. It just crossed my mind. Me: I'm sure you can have whatever you want. Friend: Or will we even want it since we will be 'whole', so to speak. Me: Eh... I'll still want sweet tea vodka. Friend: Hmm... I've got to find out the answer to this. Me: Who you gonna ask? Friend: I dunno. God? Me: Are you sure that's what you want to ask Him once you get His attention? About the availability of coffee in Heaven? Friend: You're right. Me: I'm not saying it's not important. ~ I guess it does kind of beg the question. Not about coffee in Heaven. I mean a bigger question. What would you ask God if given the chance? You have one question. What are you going to ask Him? Remember that at the point in time when you actually have His attention many formerly pressing questions are moot. Like... * Is there 'life' after death? * Is there really ...