Stepping in Mud Puddles
Yesterday I inadvertently stepped in a mud puddle reaching for a hose so a friend could have a drink. I sunk into the puddle and my shoe filled with mud. I guess in the back of my mind I knew it could happen and that's why I volunteered to get the hose in the first place. Friends don't let friends traipse through the mud. Especially when you're me and that friend is straight and female or lesbian and femme. It's not that I think I'm going to score 'points' and eventually get laid or anything (Women don't hand out tickets that you can cash in for prizes like at Dave and Busters). You see, my parents not only raised me to be polite and have good manners, they also taught me to take up for those who can't take up for themselves. I extrapolated this to include those who will whine and cry and complain if they have to take up for themselves. As a result, I'm chivalrous and end up stepping in a lot of mud puddles.
I publicly stated last night via Facebook that I need to change this habit. Several people told me that I shouldn't and, moreover, that I couldn't. They all agreed that I'm a good person and my inherent chivalrousness is an important part of what makes me me. I assured them that I wasn't suddenly going to turn into an asshole. I couldn't do that. Hell, I don't even think I'd know how. What I am going to change is who I step in the mud for. Sadly, not everyone appreciates my generosity. Some come to expect it and others suspect ulterior motives. These people (99.9% straight women and femme lesbians) will have to learn to fend for themselves.
I know it goes against good manners and I shouldn't keep score, but I get damn tired of feeling used and not hearing a simple 'thank you'. It always starts off well enough. They're appreciative and amazed that I'm so nice. They tell me I'd make the best guy. Guys don't do such and such. Blah, blah, blah. Because I'm me, I keep on keepin' on. I lift heavy things, kill bugs, check out scary noises, change light bulbs, run to the convenience store for cigarettes, and step in mud puddles so they can drink from the hose. As time goes on, the 'thank yous' and the appreciative smiles wane. Instead of having to stop them from doing something themselves or being asked sweetly to help, they stand there with the plunger and point to the spare bathroom. This is when I know I'm being taken for granted.
What's more, traditionally none of these women will do even the smallest favor for me. Check my dogs because I have to work late? Run to the convenience store to get me a Diet Coke? Pour me another cup of coffee? Buy me dinner? Loan me ten bucks until pay day? I guess it all goes back to how we were raised. It's not that they were raised wrong. Generally speaking, they are polite enough and good citizens. It's just that they were raised to be women - situationally needy and helpless. If there's a man or a butch-looking lesbian around, it's his/her job to take charge. And favors don't necessarily have to be returned. A flirtatious smile is payment enough.
Here's the kicker. These same women are generous to a fault to their female (read: non-butch looking lesbian) friends. They'll pick up kids from school, run to the pharmacy, hold hair back after a long night of drinking, loan their last dollar, and posse-up against an asshole guy who's done some girl (read: non-butch looking lesbian) wrong. I guess what I'm saying is that these women aren't bad people. Their a product of what their a product of - the traditional mores and values of Western Society.
What I'm also saying is that I'm not going to play my role any longer. Take me for granted and I'm out. Skip a thank you and these women will find themselves walking through the mud to get their own damn water hose.
I do need to make one additional point. There are also a small subset of women who think there's some kind of ulterior motive behind my generosity. In other words, I'm only being nice to them because I want to date them or fuck them. Ok, I can't say I've never wanted to date (or fuck) one of the women I've stepped in the mud for, but it's never been the overarching reason. I'm nice to a fault to everyone. I help, I step in the mud, I loan money, I do favors. It's who I am, just ask the friends who responded last night when I made the statement that I was going to change.
Oh, and don't for a moment think that these women let my supposed ulterior motives stop them from using me. As a common practice, they get what they need out of me and then split without word or fanfare. I usually hear through the grapevine that I was only helping them because I wanted to fuck them. Strange because had they stuck around, I would have continued helping them indefinitely. Well, at least until last night when I decided that I needed a change.
For the record, I've never been re-paid with sex for my good deeds. I don't expect it and, in most cases, I don't want it. I guess I'm an aberration. Maybe all these women are used to dealing with a-hole guys and/or butch looking lesbians who actually do have an ulterior motive. Welcome to a brave new world, Ladies. I'm nice simply because I'm a nice person. I never expect anything in return except a thank you and maybe the occasional willingness to step in the mud so I don't have to.
Sadly, I'm choosing to change. Altruism is now officially dead. Going forward, I'll continue to help anyone in need, but I'm going to stop the moment I feel like my efforts are expected and/or unappreciated. I don't like the feel of wet, muddy socks any more than anyone else. If someone is not prepared to step in the mud for me, I'm not prepared to step in it for them. I'm nice, not stupid. It's just that easy.
I publicly stated last night via Facebook that I need to change this habit. Several people told me that I shouldn't and, moreover, that I couldn't. They all agreed that I'm a good person and my inherent chivalrousness is an important part of what makes me me. I assured them that I wasn't suddenly going to turn into an asshole. I couldn't do that. Hell, I don't even think I'd know how. What I am going to change is who I step in the mud for. Sadly, not everyone appreciates my generosity. Some come to expect it and others suspect ulterior motives. These people (99.9% straight women and femme lesbians) will have to learn to fend for themselves.
I know it goes against good manners and I shouldn't keep score, but I get damn tired of feeling used and not hearing a simple 'thank you'. It always starts off well enough. They're appreciative and amazed that I'm so nice. They tell me I'd make the best guy. Guys don't do such and such. Blah, blah, blah. Because I'm me, I keep on keepin' on. I lift heavy things, kill bugs, check out scary noises, change light bulbs, run to the convenience store for cigarettes, and step in mud puddles so they can drink from the hose. As time goes on, the 'thank yous' and the appreciative smiles wane. Instead of having to stop them from doing something themselves or being asked sweetly to help, they stand there with the plunger and point to the spare bathroom. This is when I know I'm being taken for granted.
What's more, traditionally none of these women will do even the smallest favor for me. Check my dogs because I have to work late? Run to the convenience store to get me a Diet Coke? Pour me another cup of coffee? Buy me dinner? Loan me ten bucks until pay day? I guess it all goes back to how we were raised. It's not that they were raised wrong. Generally speaking, they are polite enough and good citizens. It's just that they were raised to be women - situationally needy and helpless. If there's a man or a butch-looking lesbian around, it's his/her job to take charge. And favors don't necessarily have to be returned. A flirtatious smile is payment enough.
Here's the kicker. These same women are generous to a fault to their female (read: non-butch looking lesbian) friends. They'll pick up kids from school, run to the pharmacy, hold hair back after a long night of drinking, loan their last dollar, and posse-up against an asshole guy who's done some girl (read: non-butch looking lesbian) wrong. I guess what I'm saying is that these women aren't bad people. Their a product of what their a product of - the traditional mores and values of Western Society.
What I'm also saying is that I'm not going to play my role any longer. Take me for granted and I'm out. Skip a thank you and these women will find themselves walking through the mud to get their own damn water hose.
I do need to make one additional point. There are also a small subset of women who think there's some kind of ulterior motive behind my generosity. In other words, I'm only being nice to them because I want to date them or fuck them. Ok, I can't say I've never wanted to date (or fuck) one of the women I've stepped in the mud for, but it's never been the overarching reason. I'm nice to a fault to everyone. I help, I step in the mud, I loan money, I do favors. It's who I am, just ask the friends who responded last night when I made the statement that I was going to change.
Oh, and don't for a moment think that these women let my supposed ulterior motives stop them from using me. As a common practice, they get what they need out of me and then split without word or fanfare. I usually hear through the grapevine that I was only helping them because I wanted to fuck them. Strange because had they stuck around, I would have continued helping them indefinitely. Well, at least until last night when I decided that I needed a change.
For the record, I've never been re-paid with sex for my good deeds. I don't expect it and, in most cases, I don't want it. I guess I'm an aberration. Maybe all these women are used to dealing with a-hole guys and/or butch looking lesbians who actually do have an ulterior motive. Welcome to a brave new world, Ladies. I'm nice simply because I'm a nice person. I never expect anything in return except a thank you and maybe the occasional willingness to step in the mud so I don't have to.
Sadly, I'm choosing to change. Altruism is now officially dead. Going forward, I'll continue to help anyone in need, but I'm going to stop the moment I feel like my efforts are expected and/or unappreciated. I don't like the feel of wet, muddy socks any more than anyone else. If someone is not prepared to step in the mud for me, I'm not prepared to step in it for them. I'm nice, not stupid. It's just that easy.
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