Jesse's (Straight-ish) Girl And Me
'Jesse's got himself a girl and I wanna make her mine.'
~ from 'Jesse's Girl' by Rick Springfield
It's not that I have anything against Jesse. Or any other guy for that matter. I like guys. I just don't like them. Ok, I'm not a fan of egotistical, know-it-all, douche bags. Or cheating, heart breaking scumbags. I have many, many guy friends and I often prefer them to my female friends. They are more direct and talk about things that actually interest me, like sports and women. Because I have an ethic, I may not want Jesse's girl, but I sure do want the girl who wants Jesse.
I like straight-ish and bisexual women. So. Sue. Me. Go ahead. What's more? I like them emotionally messy. Which I think is requisite for these types of women so it works out super well for me. I get finite attention and fun (need we call it a 'Rodeo'?). She gets the same. With a woman. The beauty of this set-up is that I know with every absolute fiber of my being that this thing is going to go South (and not in a good way) at some point. It's a 'relationship' minus the assumptive forever. I call it 'perfect'. She calls it her 'lesbian phase'. In the end, we leave each other amicably enough. I get a short stint on The Break Up Diet and maybe a new tattoo. She goes back to the guy she always knew she'd go back to. Or to his egotistical douche-bag twin. Either way it's a win-win of sorts.
How do I compete with men? Fuck... Really? Ha! I don't. Not anymore. I learned long ago not to compete with them. For women I mean. At sports it's ok. Especially if you're me and the event is running. Then it's perfectly ok. However, there is absolutely no sense in going head-to-head with a guy when pursuing a (straight-ish) woman. Pardon the sports analogy, but it would be like coming to a baseball game with a hockey stick. Think apples and oranges. I am not, nor will I ever be, a man. Because of that I bring a completely different skill set to the equation.
For one, I can't hold my liquor like a guy. I learned this lesson in technicolor the morning after an ill-fated Super Bowl party. I tried to go shot for EVERCLEAR shot with my most recent ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend (now husband). I don't remember which team I picked to win, but suffice it to say that they didn't. I'm not sure what led me to believe I could keep up, but 'wishful thinking' will have you puking in the bathroom at work the next day after taking the smallest sip of water.
For another, I'm not a guy. In my day, I attempted to compete with two doctors, an asshole factory worker, a drug dealer, a soldier, an unemployed, abusive, overbearing ass, and countless others I've never even met. What did they have that I didn't have? A penis, a white picket fence, physical presence, and a Y chromosome. It may not be much, but to a straight-ish woman who vociferously does not want to be a lesbian (like it's a bad thing), it's very nearly everything.
And this is why I don't compete. They want what they want. If it's me and my special brand of sweetness, so be it. If it's not, well... That is decisively on them. With me they get deference, compassion, understanding, the aforementioned sweetness, and communication. Unfortunately, that is barely the tip of the iceberg. They want more. They want normal. They want to not be a 'lesbian'. Hell, I don't even call myself a Lesbian half the time. Of course to them, what the world sees is all that matters. Oh, and kids. Thus far I haven't been able to get a woman pregnant. I see this as a good thing. They, however, do not.
I understand it's not a life most would choose. Sure, sometimes I feel like I spend a lot of time rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, but it's not like I'm hung up on forever anyway. I can't tell you how many times I've been promise 'forever' by women who thought they meant it. Crazy scary that it lasted about ten days on average. It's not that I'm a nihilist or a pessimist. On the contrary, I'm a realist. All of you out there who are divorced? How'd 'forever' go for you? I thought so. And I'm the one who's wrong about forever?
So yes, give me a good solid straight-ish/bisexual woman any day of the week, the messier the better apparently. Sorry, Jesse, but I probably want your girl. I assure you, I'm not going to cross any lines she doesn't want me to cross and that's mighty unfortunate for you. Truth be told, she has a couple she's more than willing to forget ever existed. No worries, though, Man. She'll be back soon enough. After all, you're a guy and all I've got is a hockey stick and a couple X chromosomes. Normal is in your favor. Chill and have a beer. It'll all be good soon enough.
~ from 'Jesse's Girl' by Rick Springfield
It's not that I have anything against Jesse. Or any other guy for that matter. I like guys. I just don't like them. Ok, I'm not a fan of egotistical, know-it-all, douche bags. Or cheating, heart breaking scumbags. I have many, many guy friends and I often prefer them to my female friends. They are more direct and talk about things that actually interest me, like sports and women. Because I have an ethic, I may not want Jesse's girl, but I sure do want the girl who wants Jesse.
I like straight-ish and bisexual women. So. Sue. Me. Go ahead. What's more? I like them emotionally messy. Which I think is requisite for these types of women so it works out super well for me. I get finite attention and fun (need we call it a 'Rodeo'?). She gets the same. With a woman. The beauty of this set-up is that I know with every absolute fiber of my being that this thing is going to go South (and not in a good way) at some point. It's a 'relationship' minus the assumptive forever. I call it 'perfect'. She calls it her 'lesbian phase'. In the end, we leave each other amicably enough. I get a short stint on The Break Up Diet and maybe a new tattoo. She goes back to the guy she always knew she'd go back to. Or to his egotistical douche-bag twin. Either way it's a win-win of sorts.
How do I compete with men? Fuck... Really? Ha! I don't. Not anymore. I learned long ago not to compete with them. For women I mean. At sports it's ok. Especially if you're me and the event is running. Then it's perfectly ok. However, there is absolutely no sense in going head-to-head with a guy when pursuing a (straight-ish) woman. Pardon the sports analogy, but it would be like coming to a baseball game with a hockey stick. Think apples and oranges. I am not, nor will I ever be, a man. Because of that I bring a completely different skill set to the equation.
For one, I can't hold my liquor like a guy. I learned this lesson in technicolor the morning after an ill-fated Super Bowl party. I tried to go shot for EVERCLEAR shot with my most recent ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend (now husband). I don't remember which team I picked to win, but suffice it to say that they didn't. I'm not sure what led me to believe I could keep up, but 'wishful thinking' will have you puking in the bathroom at work the next day after taking the smallest sip of water.
For another, I'm not a guy. In my day, I attempted to compete with two doctors, an asshole factory worker, a drug dealer, a soldier, an unemployed, abusive, overbearing ass, and countless others I've never even met. What did they have that I didn't have? A penis, a white picket fence, physical presence, and a Y chromosome. It may not be much, but to a straight-ish woman who vociferously does not want to be a lesbian (like it's a bad thing), it's very nearly everything.
And this is why I don't compete. They want what they want. If it's me and my special brand of sweetness, so be it. If it's not, well... That is decisively on them. With me they get deference, compassion, understanding, the aforementioned sweetness, and communication. Unfortunately, that is barely the tip of the iceberg. They want more. They want normal. They want to not be a 'lesbian'. Hell, I don't even call myself a Lesbian half the time. Of course to them, what the world sees is all that matters. Oh, and kids. Thus far I haven't been able to get a woman pregnant. I see this as a good thing. They, however, do not.
I understand it's not a life most would choose. Sure, sometimes I feel like I spend a lot of time rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, but it's not like I'm hung up on forever anyway. I can't tell you how many times I've been promise 'forever' by women who thought they meant it. Crazy scary that it lasted about ten days on average. It's not that I'm a nihilist or a pessimist. On the contrary, I'm a realist. All of you out there who are divorced? How'd 'forever' go for you? I thought so. And I'm the one who's wrong about forever?
So yes, give me a good solid straight-ish/bisexual woman any day of the week, the messier the better apparently. Sorry, Jesse, but I probably want your girl. I assure you, I'm not going to cross any lines she doesn't want me to cross and that's mighty unfortunate for you. Truth be told, she has a couple she's more than willing to forget ever existed. No worries, though, Man. She'll be back soon enough. After all, you're a guy and all I've got is a hockey stick and a couple X chromosomes. Normal is in your favor. Chill and have a beer. It'll all be good soon enough.
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